A thin veil separates me
From the pitiful leech mere feet away.
She looks at my spirited, neat hair.
I look at hers, greased and everywhere.
She stares at my entrancing hazel beach eyes,
I stare at hers, puffy, raw from her cries.
She glances down to my black laced gown, revealing my legs.
I glance at her white gown, torn to rags.
She longs for my smooth, polished hands
Where hers are scratched with blood-red nails.
Has the picture been painted? Can you see the scene?
The pitiful leech is no other than me.
Behind the mirror rests the girl in a dress
Celebrating our life, yet wishing for death.
The neat, clean-cut girl
Dressed up to mourn.
Across the glass, she could scorn
As happy and strong get interchanged,
This pale face knows the difference it makes.
Yet, in the confusion, one question burns through...
On which side of the mirror are you?
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139,825 Literary Works • 672,772 Reviews
That was good. It leaves me contemplating on all the questions in your writing. I just really love how you added the questions. I think my favorite line has to be 'Celebrating our life, yet wishing for death.' I believe a lot of people can relate to what she is going through. I believe she is going through the time in your life when you decide who you are and who you want to be. I liked everything about it. You used very good words. I would love to read some more of your work!
This poem sheds a new light on the struggle that many people face. The struggle is deciding who to be and who you will let people see when they look at you. You can choose to be fake and ignore who you truly are. Or you can choose to be yourself and be truly happy with yourself and then you are happy AND strong. Therefore, only way to be happy and strong is to be unique.
The poem was very well written and used good vocabulary. The vocabulary helped get your point across. The poem was carried a very powerful message and you definitely succeeded in carrying that message out.
Wow I wasn't expecting that. Though, concerning the mirror aspect of the poem, couldn't that also be seen as both people are one. I mean a mirror reflects things so is it showing "peppy girl" and her not so peppy counterpart. Two sides of the same coin, the bright side pities the side that's duller. However the side that's duller hates the brighter side for making the assumption it's depressed and not the brighter side. It was interesting, I liked it.
Hi there!
This is great, and I see few nit picks. However I shall pick them out.
It needs a little stanzification. Possibly a break after "blood painted nails", and another after the antipenultimate line. I love the last two lines, I am a big fan of the sonnet form so I particularly like voltas
My other nitpick is that, when you have your list of opposite pairing lines, you are not consistent with the punctuation mark between the two lines. For instance after "neat hair" you have a full stop, yet after "Hazel beach eyes" you have a comma. Just as a matter of personal preference I prefer the full stop.
Anyway I hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!
gallifreygal11 reviewing/editing/critiquing here,
Well I want to start out on a positive note. I really like this poem! It has a strong message, valid reasoning, great imagery, and your descriptions are lovely. I love how you use the poetry to compare the two figures. You speak of her as sort of a daemon, a hellish creature that is almost pitiful. Like she is part of you. A part that you try to push away and down. And the title is very becoming. Happy, this is sort of like the saying "ignorance is bliss" Happy is pretty much forgetting all the misery and sorrow in the world. Which is nice, but it's not the truth. So then we have this Strong character, that I really like that. She is the one who knows the troubles and sorrows in the world. She is a fine character, but she also has a dramatic past. She cannot feel love of joy, only hate and sorrows. She fights for what she believes, but can never feel truly happy. I love this idea of how you must choose one of these two beliefs, the happy go lucky versus the sorrow intelligent filled creations.
I also think you did a brilliant job on your wording and rhyming. I really liked this bit because it just fits so perfectly with the rhythm and the flow is fantastic, "She stares at my entrancing hazel beach eyes,
I stare at hers, puffy, raw from her cries. " My only problem with your rhyming is this. Sometimes you rhyme, and others you don't. Would it be possible to make it all rhyme or just all be not rhyming. That is pretty much all I have to say now. So you did a great job all in all and I really liked it! Keep writing I can't wait to read more of your work!
gallifreygal11 out!
Hello,
Do you mean leech? Because in this context, 'leach' doesn't really follow.
Up until here, I thought the girl was standing. Perhaps 'rest' is not the word you're looking for?
She would scorn who? Or what?
In my opinion, the current structure of the poem takes away from the picture you're trying to paint. Consider spacing the block.
I like how you bring the reader in at this point. Explore this more, especially in the context of the last line.
Thank you