Speaking desire
Ambling near
Paralyzing
Sensing fear
Uncontrolled
Feeling bold
Making intentions clear.
.
When told to stop
He dares say no.
He can't resist her
Swaying to and fro.
Plunging further
With no resist to hurt her,
It’s all but a show.
.
Now she’s his
Never shall she flee.
Bound by love,
If not the three.
They can’t be heard,
No care for the word,
Soon they will all see.
.
She awakes with a cry,
Salty sweat on her brow.
With a sigh of relief
Mumbles ‘it’s over now’.
Perspiration and dread
With pounding in her head
Relaxes and sleeps somehow.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,825 Literary Works • 672,772 Reviews
Greetings my friend!
A couple of criticisms for this fine piece of poetry if I may.
The first concerns the title. I dislike slashes at anytime, but particularly so In titles. It is an opinion, yet I think it looks scruffy like you don't know quite what to call it. So after thinking of various conjunctions I would recommend "of". Certainly the rapid changes, sentence structure, line breaks and such remind me of dreams, specifically nightmares.
Secondly "cant" is missing an apostrophe. Simple error, no need to go on about it.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!
Like @Jaytao says, the beginning is a bit confusing. The way the rhyming pattern goes makes it a little hard to read. You might consider revising the line "now she's his" and "relax and sleeps somehow"
Other than that, I really like your poem. It is intense and unique, and with a few minor revisions it will be a masterpiece.
Wow. This is an intense poem that I really enjoyed. I don't mean to be a grammar nazi but there should be an apostrophe in "can't". I was a little confused as well in the beginning but that might just be me, not understanding poetry. All in all, it is well written and I hope to see more of your work in the future.