She feels the many words of wrestling writers
Creating worlds in their heads
Instead of living in the one provided.
She hears the howls of hurting musicians
Filling the air with beauty
To disguise their pain.
She sees the singed steps of struggling dancers,
Containing the beast with no knowledge
To do otherwise.
She is part of all three worlds
But understands none of them.
She knows the painful pleasure
Of strings and keys
Of pencil on paper
Of that second-long jump that feels like eternity.
These domains belong to the beast.
As long as she lets him, he keeps her happy.
Accepting and embracing
Loving and learning.
Frail as an elephant's tusk,
Her relationship with the beast entices,
Transforming her into someone real
Someone loved
Into me.
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139,825 Literary Works • 672,772 Reviews
Hello, darling!
First off, I really like the idea you're dealing with in this poem. It's not the most unique of topics, but it can be made really interesting with the right spin behind it, and the right personal flair to it. I think that with a bit of spit and polish to it, this could be a pretty stable work on its own.
However, I have a few issues with the execution and presentation of the piece. I'll start with the presentation, mostly because that's coding that can be fixed in a heartbeat—while I see what you're trying to do with the indentations, they're rather irregular, and it jolts the reader's eye around instead of letting them read. Your job isn't to confuse or irritate the reader, so you've got to be a little careful about the formatting you choose; as it is, I'm rather confused why, in the third set of three lines, you don't have an intermediate indentation.
With that over with, let's move on to the execution. To get this out of the way, let me say: This is rather weak.
You use a lot of vague words that, while they're very nice and all, don't have a lot of punch. The images you're looking for are lost, because the only real solid ideas and images you have last for a line and nothing longer. This might be executed better in a true surrealist poem, but you're going for a solid idea and message here, and if nothing else, you need to use words that will resonate with your audience.
As it is, you don't really portray the pain or sacrifices made of the three professions you list in the beginning (and you mix up the order after the line "She knows the painful pleasure", which is another confusion). Even people who aren't writers, dancers, or musicians should be able to sympathize with the protagonist of this poem, and while that doesn't mean you have to write an ode to plumbing, it might work better if you actually showed the sacrifice of the dancer, or the escapism of the writer, or the raw emotion of the musician that they try to disguise as melody.
In any case, this isn't bad, per se. It's weak, but with a tight bit of editing, it could tiptoe over the line into good, I think. Work on your specific words and images, and conveying things how you want to convey them—and remember, when you read your poetry, especially recent poetry, you read subjectively. You read what's in your head, rather than what's on the paper; taking a step back, letting it sit, then reading what's on the paper, might let you see where an image falls flat or an analogy runs dry.
Keep writing!
This reminds me of a slow jazz rap performance, saxophone in the background and people snapping at the end instead of clapping.
I don't know what the English assignment was but using surroundings that coincide with the atmosphere instead of whats inside is a good way to show what that person is relating things to in her own mind. if that makes any since.
then moving to a "him" which is what normally moves people to expressing them selves. "love interest" "friend interest" can move the emotions accordingly. depending on if the "one" that they are talking about hasn't seen them, has wronged them has confessed to them ect. you can lead this so many different ways. and yet you moved for the "loved" version, making this a piece of calm and eloquent style. love is something that doesn't end, remember that there is always a later after love has been found.
Though this is just me rambling. other then my crazy words i like it but i know our teacher will want it to be longer... good on ya