Lord, stop my heart
For the pain is too much to bear.
You wouldn’t see much difference
In this living corpse I wear.
Excitement from the fear
Surrounds me day and night.
Why can no one tell,
I speak the truth, I speak it right!
The fault at hand
Is me to blame.
I should have been stronger,
I have nothing to gain!
I stare ahead at myself
Through a thin veil,
Reflecting from a girl
A face so pale.
Spirited hair, now
Greased in shame
Has only now understood
This is an entirely new game.
.
Lord, stop my heart
For the love is too much to bare.
It makes all the difference
To the genuine smile I wear.
Excitement for the future
Surrounds me day and night.
How can everyone tell,
I feel love, I feel right!
The fault at hand
Is me to blame.
When asked that question,
He will state it again!
I stare ahead at myself
Through a laced veil
Reflecting from a girl,
Dressed so pale.
Spirited hair,
No longer in shame,
Has only now understood,
This is an entirely new game.
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139,823 Literary Works • 672,772 Reviews
Corpse. Corps is like Peace Corps. Corpse is like a body.
I love the emotion that you conveyed.
"You wouldn't see much difference
In this living corpse i wear."
That line hit me in the best way possible. It conveyed the message of being dead inside so well and so clearly, and it summed up the entire poem. I must applaud you for these lines. (symbolically, of course).
"No one can tell
I speak the truth, i speak it right!"
Honestly, i understand how difficult it can be to change lines in rhyming poems, so if it seems impossible, don't even worry about this, these lines are fine. This is merely a suggestion. I feel like saying, "i speak it right!" just doesn't blend in with the rest of the poem as well as it could. However, it does not really stand out either, and it could go either way.
This poem, in my opinion, does not require major revisions. It is beautifully written and it flows well. It is full of emotion, and it just has a certain sadness that can really be relatable to everyone. Very well done!
First stanza, "corps" should be "corpse". Other than that, I agree with LoseControl. Seems quite thrilling to me
I have to say that I love this poem. One thing that caught my attention, though, was the switch to past tense in the third line and the second last line. I also have a suggestion: Cut out the "is" in "The fault at hand/Is all me to blame". The added syllable just seems a bit awkward and unnecessary to me. I must say that this is far better than any poetry I could write! Keep it up