Unborn Child

Hi!

I tried to make a poem kind of like this (not about a stillbirth... about a loss of pregnancy) months and months ago, but it turned out really bitter and very angry and I couldn't make it sound happy for the end, even though I tried really really hard to make it end with a somewhat positive note. So, the fact that you actually were able to make a stillbirth sound happy is pretty impressive to me... ESPECIALLY since you're talking about the third trimester. I never had a stillbirth, but towards the very end of the pregnancy of my daughter, I had to go to the hospital because an enormous amount of blood came out and it was just really scary. It turns out that was just a precursor of labor, but it was still very frightening to go through.

To have a stillbirth sounds utterly horrible. I mean, let's be real about this... when you're in the third trimester, you are huge. You have the stretch marks. Your body has just ballooned. You are trying to get everything ready with feet so swollen that you cannot wear socks anymore. You are able to produce colostrum from your breasts. You have people who are so excited because you are going to have a baby. You have people asking you when the baby is coming because you are so enormous. You yourself are looking forward to having the baby, though you're nervous as well.

And then...

The child dies.

But, your body is prepared for a child. Your breasts are engorged with milk to the point where when you sleep, you wake up covered in milk. Your bleeding constantly for weeks -- an hourly reminder of all the blood from your stillbirth. Your body is still huge from pregnancy and you still get comments asking when you're due. Except you're not due. Not anymore. Nor do you have a baby.

And then the comments from well-meaning people. That must be the worst. Comments like, "What happened?" (As if you knew!) "Heaven must have needed another angel." (That must feel like a stab in the heart.) "Just as well. It probably wasn't the right time for a child." (Oh? And when was the right time to bury a child?) "There will be others." (NO. Nothing can replace her!) And then, because they never had a chance to see the child or get to know the child (especially not as you, seeing as that you were the one who felt the child tumble in your belly), they forget easily that once you were pregnant.

So, so terrible.

I wasn't able to write a good poem about loss of pregnancy with a happy ending. >.>

Which kind of makes sense because my favorite poem involving this morbid topic is Robert Frost's poem, Home Burial.

Anyway, on to the review!

I feel empty,
Like I am no longer one of two people,

This is going to be nit-picky, but she is still one person, so this line doesn't make sense. Perhaps the phrase you're going for is "split in two" or something of that sort? Or maybe you want to make her feel like she isn't a person at all, or just a hollow shell?

I thought our love would last,
That I would be able to cherish every second,
Yet, as I feel the moisten crimson tears
All my dreams disappear.

Is the moisten crimson tears the vaginal tears from delivering the baby? Because I don't think that is the best way to describe it...

If you're talking about tears in the tears that you cry... why are you doing this? You are using a hokey kind of make-believe biology when you can use real things to describe her body and how it has been changed.

I feel hollow,
Like my soul left with you my love,

Should be, "Like my soul left with you, my love" ...and please note the comma.

A ghost of my former self,
I look on the world with sunken eyes,
Shards of my destroyed heart decorating this god damn room,
Everything I could love was through.

One thing that might be interesting is if you give some description about how the room is decorated. Like, the theme that I have is a jungle theme. Why? Because the animals are really cute. But, were my daughter to have been a stillbirth, the cuteness of the animals would have been a slap in the face because it would have reminded me of all that I lost. That sort of description, if you just slip it in subtly, would be a lot more powerful than what you have here.

I feel enraged,
Who is HE to take you away?
You who never even had a damn life,
You who did no wrong,
I guess HE needed an angel,
Too bad HE took the wrong one.

This stanza really bugged me... so many people say to mothers who have just had miscarriages and stillbirths, "Guess God needed another angel!" Which is a terrible idea because it makes a horrible tragedy of a mother losing her child into an act of God meddling in our lives and purposely giving us pain and suffering through some sort of divine whim. If you're using this because you want to turn this idea on its head, then that's one thing, but I get the feeling that this is not your intention and you want to propagate this kind of thinking that God destroys babies just because... which is really really harmful, especially to the grieving mother.

Did you know I have a hidden chest,
'My Luna' written delicately on top,
It has your only picture I saw,
Your beautiful form happy as can be,
My miracle God sent to me,
My baby girl, my entire world.

...wait... hidden chest? Why? This makes no sense. Why would it be hidden?

Did you know I used to sing to you everyday,
Now a days I no longer finds songs,
My baby girl you would kick and beam every time,
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,
You make me happy when skies are grey.
My baby girl, My Luna I wish I got to know you better.

The "You Are My Sunshine" is a bit unclear... is that the song that the mother sings to Luna? Also, this stanza needs about five million commas in order to be grammatically correct.

*

Onward to Luna's part!

Mommy I know your sad I needed to go,
But don't worry I'm with daddy now,

Okay. You screwed up big time. You totally missed an opportunity here. So, not only does her daughter die but her lover has died as well?! OH MAN. This is big! This is very big! I mean, loss of a child is one horrible, horrible thing. But loss of a child and a lover? That sounds horrible.

Yet, there is absolutely no mention of this lover in the mother's lament. He seems oddly absent, in fact. And this is so huge.

At first, I thought, "Maybe he died and then the baby died and that's why the baby dying is so hugely traumatic." But... no. It sounds like the father died AFTER the baby died. And I know grief is a funny thing and perhaps she's concentrating on the death of the child and ignoring her lover's death but... doesn't that sound a bit odd? It sounds very odd to me!

At first, I thought this might have been some sort of reference to God the Father (after all, you have angels here as well) but then this stanza...

He's been telling me stories of his battle buddies,
He told me you were his world,
Like I am to you.

...yup. Definitely the mother's lover.

Mommy I miss your singing,
Why don't you sing anymore?
Have you forgotten your voice?
I know your sad mommy but you don't have to,
Your little Luna's still with you.

Again, five million commas are needed for this to make sense. You misspelled "you're" in "I know you're sad." Also, "But you don't have to" doesn't make sense. It's, "You don't have to be."

Mommy I know I never saw your world,
But I got to meet the greatest mommy ever.
A mommy who talked about all she did for me,
A mommy who laugh was more angelic then those up here
I wish your happy now mommy, I love you.

You misspelled "you're" in "I wish you're happy now." Also, you need five million commas to make this make sense.

Mommy I'm happy you have a child to love you as much as I do!
You call him Lucas like my daddy,
He's happy living in your belly just like I was,
You'll be amazing, you were with me,
I have to go now mommy all see you later,
From your Luna, I love you mommy.

AGAIN. YOU MISSED IT. ARGH.

So, the father dies after Luna, right? BUT. Before he dies, he impregnates her again. Given that there's this whole period of bleeding during the initial post-partum period (stillbirths still count as birth, except the child is dead on arrival, so the post-partum term is accurate), then this could happen anywhere from a couple of months and a couple of years.

So, she's pregnant and she knows it's a boy (so, after 20 weeks, presumably because of ultrasound, unless she's psychic or what have you). Having a stillbirth makes you really really scared that another one is on the way... especially since this is the last chance that you have to make a child with your lover. And there's a lot of paranoia involved.

And there's lots of stress involved because she just lost her lover. And stress can cause horrible pregnancy complications.

So, you're missing quite a lot of emotions...

In all probability, the following things are going through her mind at one point or another...

-> She is grieving because of her lover's recent death.
-> She is having to go to all these OBGYN appointments for high-risk pregnancies, maybe alone, and every time they test, she is afraid of what they may find.
-> She is over 20 weeks pregnant and she is super uncomfortable from pregnancy.
-> She is terrified that she may have another stillbirth, especially this is the last chance that she might have to bear her lover's child.
-> She is re-grieving her first stillborn child because of the familiarity of what she feels.
-> She is fearful that perhaps her new child will replace Luna and make her love Luna less, or make her forget completely.
-> She is hopeful that her new child will help her forget the pain of Luna.
-> She is unwilling to think of her child as anything but a lump of cells, just in case... and every day that gets harder because by 20 weeks, she can feel him kicking.
-> She is waiting to have another dead baby.
-> She is hopeful for a live baby, but she squashes this hope because of a fearful expectation of having a dead baby. Again.
-> She is not sure whether she should get baby things.
-> If she still has Luna's baby things, she is afraid to get them out.
-> She may not want a baby shower because she doesn't want to disappoint people.
-> She is having to go through all of this alone because her lover is gone. And this is gut-wrenching in itself, because often these lovers can be the rock to pregnant ladies.

...if any of those seem contradictory, it's because fear can spin us in every direction.

ANYWAY. Given the amount of feelings that are probably going on right now, your poem is pretty lackluster in the emotion department and also very narrow-minded. The mother's part of the poem reads like her thoughts right after the stillbirth. It does not seem like several years have passed at all.

This is not to say that the loss of a child goes away with years -- of course not. That would be silly. But, things have been happening since then. She clearly was trying to conceive again with her lover to have another child, so she must have moved on to the point of that, at least. That is huge step for her to be able to get away from the fear of the possibility of another stillbirth and thinking, "I will be brave enough to become pregnant." Unless her new baby is an accident that happened? But, since it's probably been a couple of years since Luna died, I kind of doubt it.

Furthermore, the mother shows no grief toward her lover being dead and no fear for her child who is now alive. Why? This absolutely does not make sense to me. I mean, it's one thing to be grieving over her stillbirth daughter... that I get. But, to completely have forgotten everything else that is going on with her life? Has she gone insane to the point of not caring about anybody but her dead daughter? Because this certainly seems like this is the case.

Perhaps her lover's death has done this to her?

Anyway.

The poem has some issues. The mother's part and Luna's part do not line up with each other well, most notably because Luna brings up things that are totally not addressed in the mother's part (lover's death, another pregnancy) which definitely change things. The mother's poem seems to be right after a stillbirth, since she is still grappling with God about it... Luna's poem seems several years after. Even if that was supposed to be the case, there's a big time gap in between that is just awkward, and it seems like it should be logically broken up into two different poems.

In fact... it might be better to leave out the whole dead lover and new child bits. The whole miscarriage issue is so dramatic as it is. You may be better off just sticking with that subject instead of trying to stuff even more drama (that doesn't quite make sense) in your poem.

OKAY. ENOUGH CRITICISM. Because you probably feel very beaten up now.

Now... to stuff that I liked! There is much to like about this piece after all!

What I did like was the fact that Luna was comforting her mother, even though her mother didn't really hear her (or at least it seems that way). That was the part that I couldn't get right with my poem that I mentioned above. It's really hard to do! Anyway, the comforting part kind of reminds me of this picture...



It's made for the victims of abortion, but many people who have suffered from miscarriages see it and are touched as well.

Also, I just want to thank you for dealing with this really difficult topic. There are so many people who are struggling with miscarriages and stillbirths. Unfortunately, those going through this hard time feel like they aren't supposed to talk about or are supposed to suffer alone because it's still socially stigmatized to talk about losing your child when you're child never technically lived a day. For some bizarre reason, it's seen as something that is not as bad as having a child of four or whatever die because at least the baby's personality wasn't developed, or whatever. BS. So thanks for having the courage for dealing with that.

I really like the song bits of the poem and how they tie in with each other. That was my favorite part of the poem, in fact! The mother says, "I used to sing..." and the child asks, "Why don't you sing anymore?" So lovely! I wish you did that kind of back and forth more, actually. That part is very poignant, because I can totally imagine not ever wanting to sing after having sung to your child in your belly. After all, why bother? In my own pregnancy, I used to belt out songs while I was painting the house. I think my daughter heard my singing voice more than my regular voice because, when she was first born, she didn't recognize my voice when I talked to her. I would talk and she would cry and cry. It was only when I started singing to her when she would calm down, because she realized that it was me.

And... that's all I got. As always, if you have any questions, feel free to bug me!

Hi!!

I have one question. How does the second poem relate to the first? Like, what are the relations between the two people? I mean, I KNOW there is one, but I am being slow. I am breandead from school and now have just read probably one of the best, most emotional, poems in existence in all of time.
Now, this is terrific but I do have some suggestions to tidy it up to make it look better. In other words, minor nitpicks such as grammar and spelling. They may be intentional. So, if you have time, I wouldn't mind if you cleared these up with me.

I feel hallow

To bad HE took the wrong one.

My baby girl, my Luna I wish I got to know you better.

Did you mean:
1. I feel hollow
2. Too bad HE took the wrong one.
3. My baby girl, My Luna, I wish I got to know you better.

Also, in a few lines, the rhymes seemed choppy and a little off. I am not sure why, but, when I was reading this, it just didn't flow perfectly because of a few small lines. Maybe its just me, though.

Once again, if these are all MY errors, please correct me because, as I have already said, this may not be one of my most accurate reviews.

Anyway, this is truly inspirational and inspiring! Great job!

Keep writing!!,
~Tiff