A/n let me know if I should add more emotions, or any suggestions
Have you ever loved someone so blindly,
you could not fathom the snake in your garden of eden?Have you
ever saw the countless wrongs ones dose, only to remind them of the
right they accomplish?
Have you ever lost yourself in the waves of
the promise land, rising to the highest peak before being slammed
down mercilessly?
Have you ever wondered why the imprint
they left behind years ago still breaks you apart each time?Have
you ever been with someone who can light up your entire world. And
like a flame flicker out into your own oblivion
Have you ever felt as if your heart
could be stretched no further, before crumbling in unfix able
pieces?
Have you ever lost a love one?
Have you ever looked upon the first
star, begging to be someone else?
Have you ever looked into a
mirror, only to see everything that makes you a failure?
Have you
ever sunk to the depths of the unknown without a rope to come
back?
Have you ever watched the crimson tears fall, to feel once
again what others stole away?
Have you ever stared at the darkest
part of yourself, unable to witness the light?
Have you ever just
wished to disappear and never come back?
Have you ever felt lost?
Have you ever skipped across the
endless lands, shouting out the joyous cries?
Have you ever felt
saw nothing but the possibilities, yet to be achieved?
Have you
ever lost yourself in the winds of merriment, forever and a day?
Have
you ever felt the soft strokes of the warming light, enveloping you
with her righteous nature?
Have you ever tasted the sweet nectar,
causing your whole frame to erupt in glee?
Have you ever threw
your head to the sky, proclaiming your muse to the universe?
Have
you ever felt true happiness?
Have you ever looked in another eyes,
seeing the key that completes your lock?
Have you ever felt the
soles of your feet become ever so lighter, as you sore with the
birds?
Have you ever repeated a single name, just to listen to the
joyous sound it creates?
Have you ever stared at the imprint they left behind, only to remind yourself this wasn't a dream?
Have you ever leapt off
the cliff of uncertainly, to see the face you were meant to be?
Have you ever been with another, where
you saw no other you would rather spend eternity with?Have you
ever been maddening in love?
Have you ever felt emotions so powerful they could lift you high above the endless clouds, or send you crumbling into the unforgiving grown?
......well have you?
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Hello!
To begin, in the 1st phrase, I believe "Garden of Eden" needs to be capitalized because it is a reference to the bible.
The 2nd phrase does not make sense to me: "Have you ever saw the countless wrongs ones dose, only to remind them of the right they accomplish?"
Do you mean to use "does" instead of "dose"? "Dose" makes me think of someone taking drugs.
In the 4th phrase: "Have you ever wondered why the imprint they left behind years ago still breaks you apart each time?"
Who is/are the "they"?
In the 5th phrase: "Have you ever been with someone who can light up your entire world. And like a flame flicker out into your own oblivion"
The second half is a sentence fragment and it destroys the flow of the poem.
In the 6th phrase, instead of "unfix able pieces", it should be "unfixable pieces".
In the 7th phrase, instead of "a love one", it should be "a loved one".
In the 8th phrase, the word "wishing" would work better than "begging". This is because you normally wish upon a star, not beg upon a star.
In the 10th phrase, I feel that it would make more sense to say "without a way to come back" instead of "without a rope to come back". A rope is useless if it is not tied to something in advance and there are many various ways to climb out of the depths besides using a rope.
In the 11th phrase, does the phrase "crimson tears" imply that he/she is crying blood?
In the 13th phrase, I suggest to take out the word "just". Adding the word "just" there destroys the immediacy of the question and makes the idea (wishing to disappear) seem less significant.
In the 15th phrase, I feel that it would be better if you take out the "the" from "shouting out the joyous cries" to a "with" which would make the phrase "shouting out with joyous cries".
In the 16th phrase, you cannot have "felt saw", two verbs right next to each other. You will need to take out one of the verbs because it is not grammatically correct.
Through the other phrases, there are a couple similar incorrect usage of words.
I'm not going to point them out because I'm sure you'll be able to find it if you just proofread it a couple of times.
The third to last phrase seems to have 2 phrases stuck together. I'm not sure if you intended it to be like that.
I'd also recommend for you to replace "Have you ever been maddening in love?" to "Have you ever been madly in love?" because the original is not grammatically correct and sounds awkward.
Well, that's it. I hoped this helped!
Keep up the good work!
Ƥєтєя Ƥαη
Immensely, thanks.
Hey there!
I think I'm going to talk about two things in this review. The first is your style, and the second is the content/imagery/themes.
Style
Putting it delicately, this poem is a bit daunting to read. The lines are all so long that it's easy to get lost in the sentence, and the repetition of "Have you ever" at the beginning of each line with no spaces makes the phrase lose all meaning. If you chose this on purpose, that's fine, it just doesn't make for very easy reading.
There are several ways to rework this, and I'd recommend using a combination of them.
1. Break up your lines. You don't really need to keep each "Have you ever" on one line. You could choose to dedicate one stanza to each one, or you could combine the "have you ever"s that have similar ideas.
2. Use "or," "and" or another conjunction in place of "Have you ever." You could also just use the clause after the first few "Have you ever"s. Though technically not grammatically correct, that's not a huge issue in poetry, and in this case would help it flow better.
Finally, your sentences are a bit wordy, which contributes to the problem. Going through and rewording them to something more concise would help, as well as using more immediate "action" verbs and less passive voice. In poetry, brevity is often key.
A random example of how you could fix it:
(This is just an example, don't actually use it unless you really want to.) The one problem with splitting it up like that is that it makes for a lot of stanzas, making the poem look longer. However, since the poem is much easier to read this way, I'd recommend breaking it up.
You also have quite a few typos. Just go through with a fine-tooth comb to catch them all.
Content
This poem seems to be about emotions, all sorts of them. You kind of have everything but the metaphorical kitchen sink in here. This isn't a huge problem - you have good imagery, and asking if the reader has felt all kind of emotions is the point of the poem.
My issue is the end. For me, it falls a little flat. The narrator is clearly asking if the reader has ever felt strong emotions, but it needs to come with a conclusion. Simply asking "well, have you?" isn't very satisfying. It needs to imply something more than that. "Have you lived?" (or something similar) would suffice. Or "if you haven't, go out and live a little" could work as well. Just some sort of final statement.
Anyway, I hope this helped a little. Sorry if I seemed kind of negative. You have some really powerful imagery and a good theme. Your format is just detracting from that strong sentiment. Good luck and keep writing!
Sure is thx
Hi! Guardian here!
I love this! Absolutely love it! From my education in poetry, a poem can literally be anything... There are no boundaries when writing a poem. (As far as text and format go). So I really love the way you wrote this-- With each line starting with "Have you ever...".
Just some things to keep in mind:
1) Whenever there is a new idea, you may want to start a new line. I know that the formatting goes by however the author of the poem wants it to be, but it may be best to start a new line with each idea. In relation to your poem, what I mean is, whenever you write "Have you ever", just press "tab" and start a new line.
2) Remember that an ellipses has only three dots. At the end of your poem, you asked the question "......well have you?". An ellipses looks like this [...].
So the last line of your poem should be written this way: "... Well, have you?". Take note on how a added a period after "Well". The is a natural pause there if you were to actually ask that question in reality.
Other than those minor criticisms, this was, once again, an awesome poem I really enjoyed reading it.
-Guardian
Thx
Hey!
So, I really like the idea behind this poem. You do a really good job at making the reader connect to the poem. You tug at quite a few heartstrings because that I think a lot of people will be able to identify with these emotions. To answer the question at the end of the poem -- it's simply "yes", which is why I think this has a lot of potential to be a really successful idea.
The two things I would suggest working on if you want to transform this poem from a good one to a great one: disorganization and clutter. You try to tackle in a lot of different themes and ideas here, and all of that is well and good, because growing up can often feel like a confusing mess of emotions.
But you want your reader to be able to follow the emotion of the poem. I'm not really sure what this is supposed to be about or what that I'm supposed to take away from that other than identifying with the emotions. But part of your job as a writer is being able to use your words to connect with the reader. Just because, I, as one reader, think I understand what you're getting at doesn't mean everyone else is going to. Right now there's themes of unrequited love and of loneliness, but I don't see how they're connected. There's also "have you ever felt true happiness" line that kind of feels out of place as I'm not sure what it's supposed to imply.
Best of luck with this! Feel free to send me a revision or shoot me a message if you have any questions.
To be quite honest I couldn't figure out how to formulate the poem so you helped a lot thx