And it was this time music opened me up.
The seldom lyrics pulsating through my being,
it came across the world from rock to alternate.
I don't know when it took a hold nor do I know why,
No they weren't just voices,
They were living breathing things that kept me afloat,
But from the mindless void I was trapped in,
No ears, no hope, no faith.
I was just jerked into this beautiful world
I did not have sight, nor ears, to reach blindly for these mysterious melodies,
I did not have my wings, long forgotten,
to dive into the luminous flames of their heavenly voices,
And I listened to my first band, vivid and full of life, pure emotion, pure amazement
To someone who was nothing, I heard the heaven Chorus...
and suddenly. Broken free from the wrathful shackles,
With power,emotion, and rising rhythm
And I, freed being.
Drunk with the sirens calls
likeness, image of lyrics,
Felt myself pure part of the new realm,
I flew with the birds,
And my heart sung with the wind
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140,681 Literary Works • 673,591 Reviews
Ahoy! Happy review day, and Laure here to review your prom! Comparing music to Siren's songs, now that is certainly a very interesting metaphor. I really liked the imagery you used here and the way you have written. It gives the poem a very ethereal feeling, some of these metaphors and similes are absolutely incredible. See here,
'to dive into the luminous flames of their heavenly voices' Simply beautiful, luminous flames is a wonderful way to contrast it. Most of all, I love the way you have portraited music here with all the luminance of their beauty and opens up a person's soul.
So, I've got a few suggestions and technical things.
'And it was this time.....' Ok, I'm not saying anything but keep in mind, you should not open a sentence with and, because. Simply because it looks odd and it seems as if it was unfinished. To me, frankly. If you had started with this time, the poem would feel more solid and complete.
I don't want to alter this because I already adore it, but I will point out what I think would work better here. I noticed the repetition of certain pronouns like I, or they. I'm not saying is bad, because repetition can sometimes empathize a certain point, though in this case. Avoid it, because over a period of time it just makes your sentences seem overloaded, long-winded and off beat.
'Felt myself pure part of the new realm' This sentence feels a bit off, pure part of the new realm just doesn't quite work. I know what you mean but it reads choppy. Maybe rephrase this?
Ahhhh..how I wish you could have extended that ending.It ended so abrutply and I wanted to read more. So overall, you know I love the imagery in this and the message. I think you already have a good grasp on the concept of writing poems. Though just watch out for the syntax of the poem, because some of your sentences tend to run on and a bit repetitive.
Kudos!
Keep on writing!
-Laure
thanks
I can relate to this, since I am almost literally in love with music (and I would probably marry it if I could
). Music really does free us, and sometimes I do find myself (figuratively) drunk on music; it's strangely addicting, isn't it? Haha. I loved how you referred to the lack of ears or eyes, and even faith, and it was just a heavenly voice like a soft thought rising up inside of your head, the imagery was wonderful, and I was actually pulled into the flow of consciousness of someone who is listening to a song (like an orchestral piece, or something).
I loved it. Great job.
thanks