For you I will cross the endless mounds into redemption,
Because I know I have messed up,
I am but one soul,
With needs that seeds and grows to more that I expected,
But I see that these needs have lead me farther from you,
And for that I know nothing will rewrite the history that has happen,
But for you my one
my soul,
I will climb the thousands stairs to forgiveness,
I will vest the dragon, if it means to see you again,
I'm in and out of this broken road but I see you,
perfect Is what you are thy beauty is never finer,
In this Topsy turvy world you were what kept me afloat on this path of amazement,
you were what brought me back from the cloud you were my salvation my desire to be better,
you were my hope my faith until you left that day now my days are black and numerous,
my eyes drifting to the memories you left behind,
your sadness is my crack that brings me to the brink of death,
your my drug the thing that makes me happy,
your my life the thing that matters most,
If you leave the river we have dug away to make the world we thought would come true,
the river would consume me and drown the sorrows away so...
please think about that as you pull the trigger,
your the anchor I your rope,
your the noose and I the hope,
so walk away from the path you chose and return again to our river of hope
For I will stop at nothing to get back to you again.
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Hi!
To start off, I have to say this is a wonderfully emotional poem and I think you did an amazing job of conveying those emotions without being too forward or subtle. For the first stanza, you do have some grammatical errors like in the fourth line “needs that seeds and grows” which is an error in subject-verb agreement. (So it should be written “needs that seed and grow” or “need that seeds and grows.”) Also, with “have lead” in the next line which should be rewritten as “have led” or “will lead” but since that part is in past tense, it should be “have led.”
The second stanza is lovely, but one thing I would suggest changing is using the “rule of three” to write the first three lines of that stanza. I would suggest this because you already have the repeated lines “I will” and it would make the structure and sound of this poem better if you had a third “I will” in that stanza.
I’m not entirely sure why you capitalized “Topsy” in the first line of the third stanza, but I like that you did. By bringing attention to this word, it sheds light on the speaker’s confusion and emotional state. I would also suggest the “rule of three” in this stanza as well because you wrote “you were” for the second and third lines and making a fourth line will make it more complete.
I love the imagery and metaphors in the fourth stanza and I would suggest keeping that entire stanza the same unless you really do want to change something about it.
There are a few grammar errors in the fifth stanza with “your” which should be “you’re” because it’s describing an action and not a possession. I love that you ended it that way, especially because the last line really resonates and stay with the reader after he/she is done reading the poem. Overall, it’s a great poem that could be fantastic with some work.
Keep writing,
Dianne E.C.E.
thanks
Hello, rhia here to review!
I'm going to jump straight into editing and suggesting
1)
Give the reader more than just mounds. Mounds of what? This has the capability of posessing a lot of imagery, but it fell flat with the lack of description.
2)
Just some typos in this one. Should be "with needs that seed and grow to be more than I expected."
3)
Some more little edits. Should be "And for that, I know that nothing will rewrite the history that has happened. Also, with this, I feel like it would be further improved like this: "And for that, I know that nothing will rewrite this history
that has happenedMy reasoning for that is it is just unnecessary to say "that has happened" when it is history. It's happened, we know, that's what makes it history. Maybe something more emotional referring to the history left, to make us connect to you more.
4) I would add a comma between "my salvation" and "my desire", as well as a semi-colon after "back from the clouds"
5)
all in red are YOU'RE
6) All of this either needs to have more punctuation, or more line breaks. Right now, you have long, dijointed, fractured sentences.
If you just edit some more, this could be really good
thanks
This is a very well written poem of forgiveness. I really enjoyed it. It really shows us ways in which couples and everyday people use forgiveness. Keep up the good work. Just be careful as some of the sentence beginnings were repeated i.e. “You were this you were that”. Overall a nice piece with well thought out imagery. Can’t wait to read the next poem you have in store for us.
Thanks
This is a very well written poem of forgiveness. I really enjoyed it. It really shows us ways in which couples and everyday people use forgiveness. Keep up the good work. Just be careful as some of the sentence beginnings were repeated i.e. “You were this you were that”. Overall a nice piece with well thought out imagery. Can’t wait for you next poem.