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In my mind

by fallenoutofgrace

In my mind
Misery paves the cobblestone streets,
Tears run down the screaming rivers depositing
into the sea of lost,
The children's wings are
clipped and shackled,
Never to fly and touch the sun,
The people's faces are tied with barbed wire in upturn smiles that reveal the pain and suffering,
in this world deploys on the rift raft of this crumbling world.

In my mind
Laughter echoes through the membranes of buildings,
And sun sets its course on all given life,
Where people frolic to their life's content,
And children fly with beautiful velvet wings,
And the vast meadows entice its wanders with the sights of wildflowers.

In my mind
I can take my mask off,
And my villagers can get the chance to see thy creator's face,
My eyes shine with renown hope,
And my feet pattered down the paved streets shouting out my joyous glee's of love,
Where hearts are worn on our sleeves,
And none shall ever feel broken.

In my mind,
My demons run wild,
Tormenting and destroying all in their wake,
Their gleaming fangs inject their poison and controls my thoughts to rivets of red,
Their eyes hold close,
All I see is pain and marks racing across my paled wrist,
My wings are stripped to bloody stumps,
My arms and feet shackled to thy own addictions,
The streets and skies rain blood,
Drowning all in the mayhem of
our demons,
Fire burns through all tourching slowing all who dwells alive.

In my mind, It is me. Although many have tried to enter have perished some that I have trusted have tread these hallowed grounds. Tasting the flames of this savage's mind,

Enter thy mind if you believe you shall survive,

Enter thy hopes and dreams if you wish to feel the beams of love,
Enter thy despairs and feel the pain that is everywhere,

And see me as I truly am.

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61 Reviews

Points: 2021
Reviews: 61

Sat Mar 08, 2014 3:26 am
rainbowcabbit wrote a review...

A dark gray, almost black wolf prods forwards and looks up at you kindly. "Hello," she says.

I love your poem alot! Its quite interesting how you think. I love the intensity of your metaphors. However, I have a few suggestions. First, and this doesn't matter too much, but I would have had all the negatives clumped together and positives clumped together instead of negative positive negative, but that is just me. Also the one sentence, "Although many have tried to enter have perished some that I have trusted have tread these hallowed grounds." seems to be lacking comas because it kinda sounds mashed together. Other than that, your poem sounds amazing! Good luck, and keep on writing.

User avatar
18 Reviews

Points: 470
Reviews: 18

Sat Mar 08, 2014 3:21 am
Malooga wrote a review...

Good use of repetition and descriptive imagery. Try to even out your stanzas a little bit more by using a set scale for each line. You can even get fancy by assigning descending scales based on your line patterns. For instance:

A (x-words or x-syllables)
B (y-words or y-syllables)
A (x-words or x-syllables)
B (y-words or y-syllables)

This I would see more as a work of prose than poetry, and while the use of descriptive imagery was good it is also a bit thick and redundant in certain points. Sometimes saying less is more, giving just enough imagery to help lead the reader to their own conclusion is the best way to build anticipation throughout the poem.

Instead of saying "Where people laugh, dance and sing" try something like "Where people celebrate" or something along those lines. I don't necessarily see any issue with that line I just used it as an example.

Overall enjoyable, thanks for sharing!

Never use your shield as a dinner plate, for that is when the enemy is most likely to attack.
— The KotGR Commander