Life is fragile,
In just a moment and your golden thread has been snipped,
Your body stolen out of your grasp,
Your soul falling into oblivion,
But yet a single human emotion,
Can let your being raise to new heights,
Or sends you crushing down.
One human emotion,
Is all it takes,
To make your heart ache,
Your limbs start to shake,
Your mind no longer diluted with theories of the upcoming days,
But the single image of her beautiful face.
Perhaps this is naïve to believe such things will last,
To be careless in thinking that you shall not slip threw the cracks,
To not fill your head with frets of the what ifs,
But better yet live in the right now,
If this is feverish calculations then let it be,
If this is a daft idea then let it stand,
And if it be naïve then let it rings to the lords.
If life is so short, so timid,
Then let it be spent with things one would not regret,
If life is so easy to loose,
Then let us will it to be circled around
What is happening right now.
I was brought up to grow and nurture a plant,
To give it whatever it shall need and to travel at its pace,
I was taught to snuggle of close and spend the nights staring at the stars,
Re-living the past and forging ahead a future acceptable to our kin,
I was brought up to believe that anything is possible,
A pig can fly, a love as strong as some may never wither and die.
I was raised to save the broken and the tired,
To help then live and thrive,
To keep them safe until I shall die.
And I was seared into my memory this saying,
Love is naïve in every sense of the word,
Ignoring it is a fools errand,
Hiding from it is a childish fret,
Embracing it will let your soul live on,
And holding close to what you believe in,
Will forever be your single duty to the lord.
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139,527 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
I'm too lazy to write a review. You have a really good poem, it's very beautiful. :3
Hello, rhia here to review!
I'm going to start with nitpicks:
1)
The "and" here is unnecessary, it doesn't make sense. Also, I advise changing "has been" to something else, it's worded kind of awkwardly right now. Perhaps "can be", "might be", etc.
2)
Ok, "but" and "yet" are basically the same word, so having both is very redundant. Just pick one.
3)
I feel that "raise" is not the best word here. Perhaps "soar" or "fly"?
4)
"sends" should be "send", just a simple noun-verb agreement mistake.
5)
I like this until the last line. It is very awkward after the flow of the first two lines. I suggest making it a seperate sentence, and adding an "is" between "mind" and "no"
6)
I would remove the space between these two lines, and word the second line differently. It's kind of confusing right now. Maybe something more like "But instead by the lone image of her beautiful face" or something like that.
7)
"threw" should be "through"
Noun-verb agreement flaw, should be either "If these are feverish calculationsthen let them be" or "If this is a feverish calculation then let it be"
9)
Another noun-verb agreement issue, "rings" should be "ring"
10)
"loose" should be "lose"
11)
I think that "of" is meant to be "up"
12) The way this is worded doesn't make sense. It should be more like "seared into my memory was this saying"
Otherwise, you worded it very prettily, and it is very interesting and thought-provoking. Just needs some editing.
thanks
Good story.
Thank you
Hiya Catcha01 here with a review!
First off I must say that I loved the idea of the poem. Describing the one single human emotion in such a poetic way was a amazing and a joy to read.
Now for the review:
1. "In just a moment and your golden thread has been snipped,"
I understand what you were getting at by putting this line in, but it didn't agree with your previous line. It stopped the fluidity that should exist in the beginning of the poem and could be worded better.
Instead of "In just a moment and your golden thread has been snipped," you could say "A single moment and your golden thread could have been snipped".
2. There are some grammatical errors throughout your poem as well. You have threw instead of through and some other minor errors, but proofreading and perhaps having someone else read your work could correct this.
3. "Or sends you crushing down."
I believe that you meant to write crashing rather than crushing. You also have the singular form of the verb send which doesn't agree with your previous verb in the previous line. This error could be corrected by reading the poem aloud.
4. Another thing that I realized throughout the poem was that your subject was not clearly pointed out. Your title which is very interesting and captivates the reader remains as a question unanswered at the end of the poem. I think that this feeling is love, but I'm not really sure. I believe that it might be a good choice to make this one single human emotions a bit more clear.
5. Lastly the point of view in which your poem was being told shifted a bit. You began in the second person and connected well with your readers, then shifted to second. I understand that it left an impression talking from your point of view, but I would recommend finding a way to capture your poem in one point of view though it works either way.
Overall you had a very good poem. Like I said the idea was great and it was enjoyable to read. I believe that if you proofread your work these errors could easily be eliminated. Good Job!
Happy Writing!
~Catcha01
I apologize for the confusion. This poem was made to be in response to a fellow poem. My idea was to respond back and while I did mean for It to not take an original flow. But thank you for your feedback
would you mind putting a link to the other poem? I'd like to read it if you don't mind
Sure thing, mind if I just message the link I need to find it
You chose a very deep topic to dive into and it's promising. I enjoyed it, however, like all literary works, there's always room for improvement. Hopefully, you'll consider the following feedback to be useful.
The overall impression I felt at the poem's conclusion was not as "deep" as the beginning had suggested, but this might have been because of the specific words you had used and the lack of figurative language in this poem. By using figurative language, you could bring in a supported emotion into the poem, adding more mystery in the words. However, I did felt more empowered, especially in the last stanza. The last stanza, to me, was one of your best play on words.
I liked the form of the poem. It was consistent as well and ordered where it should be. You also have a few grammatical errors, but this could be easily corrected by re-reading your work and finding it.
Though I like the idea you had in that line, the poem's tone makes an abrupt turn. You could ease this in better through wording or by some other means.
Another thing I liked in this poem was the imagery I visualized at almost each line. The imagery wasn't spelled out for readers, rather, insinuated, making readers reflect and think.
However, this also tended to backfire in some aspects.
At the poem's end, though I have some vague idea of the subject of the poem, it did not seem clear enough. Though this was an enjoyable poem, try making the subject and emotion hinted in the title clearer for readers to pick up on.
Whether it be on purpose or not, the poem's point of view shifted. It could have been brought in more gradual if you wanted to change it.
In spite of this, your poem was entertaining to read both in its concept and wordplay. It has an interesting idea backing it, all you need to do is re-read it and try to reach its potential!
thank you