z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

white noise

by ellasnotebook


dead sound

White noise

Nervous tics

My brain toys

x

Somewhere

Not here

Silence

Noise sears

x

My brain

Incapable

The dark

Inescapable

Tell me,

If the white noise from the vent in my bathroom

is enough to keep me from losing my mind am I still even thinking straight?


If I were to cut out the lights,

turn off the vent;

would I lose the boundaries I’ve worked so hard to build?

Silence

Engulfing

Eyes closed

Testing

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364 Reviews

Points: 15630
Reviews: 364

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Sat Dec 30, 2017 4:23 pm
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zaminami wrote a review...



Hello ellasnotebook! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :
dead sound{,}

{w}hite noise{,}

{n}ervous tics {as}

{m}y brain toys{.}

{A few things here: you use punctuation later so you need punctuation here unless you want your flow to be all wonky. Also, adding a conjunction after "tics" greatly improves the meaning and power. "nervous tics while my brain toys," "nervous tics, but my brain toys," "nervous tics and my brain toys." Three different meanings, three different conjunctions}

x

Somewhere{,}

Not here{.}

Silence {as my}

Noise sears{.}

{Same thing for the first paragraph. Add conjunctions}

x

My brain [b]{is}

Incapable{.}

The dark{,}

Inescapable{.}

Tell me,

If the white noise from the vent in my bathroom

is enough to keep me from losing my mind{,} am I still even thinking straight? {shorten this to make it more powerful. It just seems like you're rambling here and it's slowly losing power}



If I were to cut out the lights {and}

turn off the vent;

would I lose the boundaries I’ve worked so hard to build?


Silence {is}

Engulfing{.}

Eyes closed{,}

Testing{.}

{I would do a little formatting on "testing." If it was me, I would space "testing" out like this:
t e s t i n g


and/or capitalize it, like:

TESTING

or

T E S T I N G


to make it seem more like a laboratory feel}


My interpretation:



so you're "losing your mind" and white noise is the only thing keeping your sanity from leaving you? ooooooo

Overall:



I loved this. It very much deserves its like :D keep up the great work!

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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Points: 183
Reviews: 3

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Thu Dec 28, 2017 4:08 am
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CrimsonAngel says...



I really like this poem it shows a point of view of something simple and wove it into something most wouldn't think of,it is in a way hunting yet beautiful and inspiring also I love even with out much a physical description of anything it gives you a image in your mind, excellent work.






Thank you!



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23 Reviews

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Reviews: 23

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Wed Dec 20, 2017 2:55 am
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gema11 wrote a review...



I really like the unusual structure of this poem, and it flows well, though there are times when you lose the rythmn a bit. In the longer, italicized parts of the poem you tend to use excessive words and mess up on the punctuation (which is still very important in a poem). The line "is enough to keep me from losing my mind am I still even thinking straight?" would be more powerful with punctuation. You could also try breaking it into two lines. The same goes for "would I lose the boundaries I’ve worked so hard to build?". I would suggest reqording this like. It feels too wordy, especially compared to the previous two lines.






Thank you for the review!



gema11 says...


No problem, I just want to reiterate- I enjoyed your poem! The topic is cool and I'm a sucker for really short lines.





Thank you so much! Your review was especially helpful, because I couldn't figure the italicized parts out and had to rewrite them a few times even to get them like this. So thank you for helping me out, I think I know what to do now to fix it! (:




We are not to simply bandage the wounds of victims beneath the wheels of injustice, we are to drive a spoke into the wheel itself.
— Dietrich Bonhoeffer