this heartache
stems from the pollen
of sorrow.
forget-me-not,
or forget me;
either way i will remember.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Hey there, here to share a few thoughts on your piece:
This is short but wisely crafted. I honestly don't have a lot of criticism for you. The lack of punctuation captures some of that angsty feeling from the title. The flower language in the "stems" and "pollen" is good continuity. I wonder if the title could be more flower/growth related?
The only thing I don't love, is the line breaks. This is a small piece of criticism but I feel like putting "of sorrow" on it's own line puts almost too much dramatic impact on the word.
Overall this was a successful small poem!
Best regards,
~alliyah
Hello there. I hope to give a fair review. The poem is short, not that it is any problem, but that means my review is gonna be short too.
I like the message which you have conveyed through this poem by telling that even if the other person forgets you, you're not gonna forget him/her. Though on the other side it becomes negative like this. But I will take only positive into regard. Have you used 'forget-me-not' to also signify the flower? In anyway, its beautiful. But I can't understand the meaning of 'pollen' here. Overall, a nice poem. Keep it up!!!!
hey, thanks for your review. yes i did use 'forget me not' as the flower as well... for like a double meaning, i've used pollen and tendrils to link to the forget me not flower... haha
Great work!!!! So good use. I didn't notice it. Wait, touch-me-not has tendrils?
Hello Tulip here to give you a review. It may just be a little but rusty as I haven't reviewed in quite a while. I think that I will be breaking this review down by line and then telling you the suggestions and everything that I liked about the entire poem at the very end. Just remember that I am merely just giving you suggestions and that you are not required to take those and actually use them. They are here for your benefit and that's it.
So here we go!
The one thing that I do not like about this line is the fact that you have absolutely no order to this. Nothing is in an upper cased format to suggest that it is the start of something, even though that it is the first line of your poem. It is also just bland. It has nothing to keep the attention of your reader. And in a poem this short it is important to try to keep the attention of your reader and this means you have to draw them in by the first line. This doesn't do anything of the sort.
I suggest:
'This heartache
This dreadful heartache of mine
*This here draws more attention because you have more descriptions! Don't be afraid to use imagery. It won't hurt you to use it, just don't go overboard with it!
These lines can simply be put together into one line! It makes no sense to have a line that can easily added into another. I mean it can stay the way it is but I suggest putting them together. It would create a much clearer picture.
This dreadful heartache of mine
stems from the sorrow filled pollen.
I see nothing really wrong here. I would just recommend trying to make it a little more colorful. Use some imagery here. I would give you some more ideas but I am slowly turning brain dead because I am currently in the middle of an overnight shift.
Either way I will always remember.
I think that you truly have an amazing poem here. I think that with just a few changes you can really make this into a marvelous poem. I hope that I wasn't to terribly harsh with you!
~Tulip
*Keep Calm and Write On*