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Shipwreck

by dystopianmonkey01


Sealed are your lips as rage slammed inside your chest. Dry are your tears as your sighs mutter, "Oh, this is life again." Dropping your sword, crouching behind your tattered shield, you, empty as a dusty leftover chamer, believe there's no more battle for you to fight.

Now you can gaze upon the hurricaine beyond your windshield in a destructive serenity while your flesh dissolves into the sadly singing wind. Your toes playfully throw your weight around cliff edges. 

( this is the dance of the lost minds. )

Shipwreck, shipwreck in the mirror.

There might not be anything better than wanting to die in calm transparent turquoise water where shells gleam and dolphins play. Never have you denied, though, how you crave for the hands that made you rise out of the sea, for that voice of a loving child: 

"Found you! Welcome home!" 


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14 Reviews


Points: 437
Reviews: 14

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Tue Jan 10, 2017 3:32 pm
DoormanDan wrote a review...



I really enjoyed reading this. Before I get to the good things about my review, I just want to point out one thing that bugs me a little bit (this is just my opinion, so take what you will from it); the format. When I read poems, I always feel like they are more aesthetically pleasing when written in lines rather than sentences. The way you have it written here, it seems more like prose (which, if that's what you are going for, then just ignore this part of the review). That may just be me, though.

Anyway, let's get to the good stuff! To start, I feel that you really captured a sense of despondency (and maybe even a glimmer of hope?) very well. Your vocabulary and writing style were more than sufficient to convey the emotions you were aiming for. You also make effective use of imagery, alliteration and other literary devices to spice the poem up even more. By the way, nice oxymoron (destructive serenity)! Overall, this piece is pretty good, though always make sure your usage of literary devices doesn't become so over the top that it hinders your work, as opposed to augmenting it (which can be easy to do). Great job, and keep up the awesome effort! :)






Thanks Dan! Yeah this was meant to be prose, I really don't favour the line format, you have to 'live up to' the aesthetics of just a normal poem with lines and rhythm and I really dislike doing that as it's harder to capture the true meaning of the poem if you're more focused on making the lines 'flow'.

:)



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59 Reviews


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Reviews: 59

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Tue Jan 10, 2017 12:15 pm
PusheenTheCat wrote a review...



This is a really good poem and I really think that there isn't a lot to complain about. First I would like to say that you are a really good writer and I think the part where I couldn't stop reading was at the part when you said "'Found you! Welcome home!"' I know that was at the end of the poem but that is when I had to read it again and wanted to keep reading it over and over until I found out what was going on.
Second: I would say when you said "' believe there's no more battle for you to fight"' right here you forgot to say battles instead of battle because with the way you wrote it it sounds like you are saying something different, and to me this is implying how I live. Just sit down and think that no one wants to hurt you and you will keep living for the next day.
Finally: Before I go I would like to say that this was a really good poem but right when you said "' Your toes playfully throw your weight around cliff edges"' This for me is one of those parts in the poem that is really good but could be going off and you really don't need it but you are different than me so if you like it so do I.
Also when you said r flesh dissolves into the sadly singing wind"' That part right there was just really confusing for me because this at the beginning of the poem was so weird but that is what I like about you I like writers that are different that any other writer's I know. I know I have been saying some bad things but here I am going to tell you some good things.
First I really liked the way you put everything together and I really liked the way the poem flowed through out the whole poem.

This was PusheenTheCat and as long as you keep writing I will keep reviewing for you and other people on this website. Keep writing and good luck in the future of writing.






Thanks for your review. I totally agree with the 'battle' part, I think it was a spelling error, oops. I need to work on them!

I also agree with the 'your toes playfully throw your weight around cliff edges'; it's better without.

What I was trying to get at, with "Flesh dissolves into the sadly singing wind", since I've used it in the context of hiding behind your windsheild, i.e. not acting on your sadness. So, like a corpse, your chances of happiness eventually dissolves into the wind. Sorry if this wasn't clear and too cryptic.

Thanks again! :)



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36 Reviews


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Tue Jan 10, 2017 11:57 am



In the first paragraph: *chamber, sorry!





I can't understand why people are frightened by new ideas. I'm frightened of old ones.
— John Cage