If white truths and lies
were to cover our tracks,
perhaps I would not care
to look back
~
The snow melted as the sun shone.
For some reason,
it reminded me of us,
in that disastrous,
despicable kind of way
~
But perhaps your eyes would burn
from the agony of being indifferent.
Acidic tears stain crimson cheeks
and remind you of the exquisite pain we shared
~
And so the meadows we danced through,
prancing in circles of despair and naivety
have withered like our love;
slow at first, then all at once,
with all it needing was some fuel.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Heya, Dystopianmonkey01! Casanova here to do a review for you. I"ll be taking this section by section(stanza by stanza), so I hope you don't mind! To the review!
The first stanza-
Anyway, I really like the first two lines. Your imagery is there, and it has a certain emotion to it. The last two lines, however, feel as if they're just to rhyme for,"tracks." I could be mistaken on that, but it's what it feels like.
Aye, here your imagery switches, and I didn't like the switch too well. Use a connecting piece, something that connects your imagery together instead of roughly switching images. The last couple of lines here were decent, I rather liked them.
Here I feel like you've got your stronger images, especially the middle two. You do a good job of connecting your images with your emotions, and it conveys well. So props for that.
Here I feel like you're getting a bit all over the place, like you're just putting images into a poem and saying they're the same thing. I would suggest making your images more fluent, and letting them flow a bit better than this. Play around with them, and I think you'll like the results.
Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron
Thanks heaps!!
Hey there, it's dramamine here for a review.
Okay so I'm going to be brutally honest here in saying that this poem really didn't make me feel anything at all. Almost every word in here seems to be lacking any real emotion. Maybe this means something to you and that's all well and good but when I read a poem I like to see some phrase, sentence, word, anything that makes it stand out from the rest of the cliche love/breakup poems out there.
Now, you're only 14 and in this poem I can see that you do have talent. These glimpses come out in lines like "acidic tears stain crimson cheeks" but unfortunately right after we have "remind you of the exquisite pain we shared" which to me sounds cliche and melodramatic. Now I wish for you to expand within the world of writing and learn to write poems that speak of you and could be differentiated from the rest. I'm sorry if I sound douchey because it's not like I know everything there is to know and like I'm some sort of poetry master or anything but I'm only trying to help.
Please keep writing and have a good day
Thanks Dramamine, I appreciate your honesty