Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for mature content.
a dark façade with specs of ivory
gently dances above the seam,
she is now bare.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!
The warning in the description helped, as I would have thought you were writing a senryu judging from the structure of the piece. Something that I did almost wonder, though, is why it's not. It would fit to be something of that sort, though senryus and haikus are usually based off of nature or some other similar topic. Another thing that I wondered because you indicated it wasn't a senryu, of why it couldn't have been longer. I'm not saying that it has to be this great big Epic, but I do question the choice of having the poem only be three lines long to get a topic like this across. I don't mind it too much, though I am playing Devil's Advocate.
The title is one of the things that actually lets the poem do more, and that's because it's a description in itself. It makes the poem feel whole in that it ties it together. Gives it that final piece to make it more whole. It hurts, and I suppose that's what you were trying to get across with this piece. One thing that I wondered about was the 'specs of ivory' and where they came from. I was rather unsure of what you were trying to get across or why you added it into the poem.
I'm thinking that it could suggest something that is one of the main indicators that this poem relates to abuse and other things of that sort. The third and final line of the poem is one that I wanted to talk about because it's blunt. It's bitter and it's blunt, and I felt iffy on it because I'm not sure if you wanted to end the poem off so abruptly. I'm not saying that it's necessarily bad, but I am pointing it out to you that it is abrupt. I also give my condolences if this is personal, because, God. You do well at getting across the hurt that the speaker feels, and that's not something that everyone can do.
Wishing the best,
Kayla.
Thanks Kayla.
The specs of ivory are self harm scars. The person I am writing this about is dark skinned yet her scars are ivory in colour. I hope this cleared the air.
With the Senryu reference, I have no excuse except I couldn't condense my ideas any more than I had already, but yeah maybe I shouldn't let the writing lie on the periphery between a haiku and an extremely short - too short - poem.
Have a nice day, Tiana
Ahh, thanks for the clarification! That's kind of what I thought it was, but I wasn't quite sure about it.
Ayyy, Dys.
This is stomach-wrenching, but tastefully done for content matter. I give my condolences if this is personal. So what you've given is short and bitter and well-done, save for the comma bugging my OCD where I understand you want a soft stop; you would be better off with an em-dash: — which is used informally to indicate a specification of narrative as you have.
But if I'm being real about this, you don't need 'facade' as it comes across as a thesaurus throw-in. "dances" gives a bouncy feel to the line, but it's also one that makes the poem feel malicious. So maybe facade is needed to balance that out. I apologize for jumbled thoughts, but this messed with me.
And it's incredibly unsettling that the woman has no actions or motions in the piece.
I hope this helps,
Ty
Thanks Ty much appreciated!