z

Young Writers Society


12+

Warhol's Spectrum

by dystopianmonkey01


One day I took my scalpel and painted art with it, I would run them through the streets and paint the cobblestones red, and then out to the country and far away lands, where forbidden things ran with drooling smiles and the teeth of rebellion sinking deeply into my young heart, I fell for that need, that necessity, I was fooled into circles of despair and the only alleviation was this fantasy of death; this fool’s cyclone of emotion that caught me in the stormy winds and tossed me into the paths of loss, so that for the trance of stupidity glazed upon my conscience, I only saw this monster of such tantalising nightmares, but in doing so the scent of sanity vanished unfamiliarly past me. I lost the very thing I was looking for, fooled by an illusion in a party hat.

The sharpened scalpel, lined with torment and the ages of madness ran down in delicious patterns through the soft skin of my arms, I felt the sharp tingling of metal inside me and it twisted a maniacal laugh from me, as a demon might create a flower of crimson, tailored fingers sculpting the paper as they did my pleasure. 

In my soul’s eye I saw the blackened holes of life, the pits that everyone so happily ignores; yet deep down there were more scalpels, and even iron brushes, and soon my art would become a livid being and tease the sanity from the dying.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
117 Reviews


Points: 6987
Reviews: 117

Donate
Thu Dec 29, 2016 12:22 pm
JosephGeorge wrote a review...



Hey dystopianmonkey01, here for a Review Day review,

Positives:

One day I took my scalpel and painted art with it, I would run them through the streets and paint the cobblestones red,


I liked this. It was a bit cliche and a bit obvious that painting with a scalpel will be red, but the fact that you chose a scalpel as the preferred item was a good choice. Now we can perform surgery on your poor broken heart.

I was fooled into circles of despair


Quite liked this imagery. I've always though of things such as depression as a downward spiral that doesn't seem to end, and that's what you've talked about here.

Negatives:To be honest, I'm not sure why this is even in the poetry section? I get that it can fit into a prose-poetry style, but then, it doesn't really feel like it. Every once in awhile I'll catch a glimpse, but most of the time I feel like I'm reading an epic where the main antagonist is telling about all his glorious escapades. Kind of throwing me off here.

Overall:It's nothing I haven't seen before, but I give you props for trying to work on painting images for me, rather than just telling me what things are. That's what makes poetry good.

I give it:
ImageImageImage


Joseph Henry George




User avatar
200 Reviews


Points: 60
Reviews: 200

Donate
Wed Dec 14, 2016 10:55 pm
kman134 wrote a review...



hi. this is kman134. i'm here to review.

this was a little disturbing. it was like being written by jack the ripper.

"One day I took my scalpel and painted art with it, I would run them through the streets and paint the cobblestones red, and then out to the country and far away lands, where forbidden things ran with drooling smiles and the teeth of rebellion sinking deeply into my young heart, I fell for that need, that necessity, I was fooled into circles of despair and the only alleviation was this fantasy of death; this fool’s cyclone of emotion that caught me in the stormy winds and tossed me into the paths of loss, so that for the trance of stupidity glazed upon my conscience, I only saw this monster of such tantalising nightmares, but in doing so the scent of sanity vanished unfamiliarly past me. I lost the very thing I was looking for, fooled by an illusion in a party hat."

this part of the story. i could only find two words wrong with it. first, you spelled "Tantalizing" as tantalising" with an "s" than a "z". also, unfamiliarly is not really a word, unless you were trying to spell "unfamiliarity".

the imagery was very gory and sinister, almost like it came straight out of an Edgar Allen Poe novel. then again, it could also be out of an H. P. Lovecraft novel as he's famous for characterizing the protagonists' descent into madness.

that's all i have to say. it's pretty good. i hope to read more form you.






Hi. Thanks for your review. For one, I apologise for how disturbing it is! It can be quite confronting but I like to capture the pure essence of emotion.

I'm from Australia, "tantalising" is colloquial spelling, so we are both correct.

Thanks again



User avatar
1081 Reviews


Points: 220
Reviews: 1081

Donate
Wed Dec 14, 2016 5:38 pm
Virgil wrote a review...



First off, welcome to YWS and nice to meet you. Onto the poem.

I often find it hard to actually capture what prose-poetry is, but I do like the experimental tone of this poem. Have you done this before, or is this your first time? There are a lot of pretty images in this poem but I think they get lost in the fact that those images become lost in their meaning. When using imagery, you should have a reason to be using that imagery, even if it's as simple as setting up the tone or getting some sort of feeling across. It seems that you kind of went on throughout the poem without a reason for some of these and only used them due to them being pretty, and that's a weakness here. The scalpel part is a little vague since scalpels are usually used by surgeons--are you trying to get across that the speaker in this poem is painting in blood?

I would have liked more clarity of that but at the same time, leave some things open for interpretation. This is more of a narrative than a poem based on a theme, which is something that interests me. Did you have any theme that you wanted to imbue with this poem, or was it just more of a story to be told? One of the things that really got on my nerves with this is the voice and the word choice in this poem. It feels forced in that you're trying to sound poetic, and that shows throughout the poem. Show us the story how you see it, not in the way that makes it sound prettier.

Doing this makes it sound more pretentious and seemingly more important than it really is. Word choice can be something that adds to the poem if you focus on the tone of the poem. One thing that I did like is the fantasy-esque feel to the poem that you use to your advantage, though I would like to know more of what's actually going on in this piece. Is it realistic? Is it fantasy? The clarity is something that you should focus more on and with that, I think the most of what you need to do is try and pinpoint more of what you're trying to do rather than just letting the imagery flow over in all places--bring it all back together with the imagery that you use like the scalpel and other things that you already started to do in this poem.

I hope I helped and have a great day!






Thanks Kaos. This was really helpful. Thank you for the time spent writing this.

My 'thing' is prose-poetry. I do tend to gravitate more to the narrative style, and less of a typical poem structure.

Enjoy your day :)



User avatar
73 Reviews


Points: 4757
Reviews: 73

Donate
Wed Dec 14, 2016 5:16 am
NightKaizer says...



Wow. Intense right there. Notice it's your first day here. Welcome!






Thanks! Love this site already and I've barely been active for a day so far!!




I have hated words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right.
— Markus Zusak, The Book Thief