Your eyes were the epitome of elegance; the euphony to the symphony of colour, blue and wondrous. Looking into your eyes shattered the façade depicting icy equivocation within being in solitude. I was manoeuvring around, trying to surpass the realm of sanity by avoiding you, but your soft, crimson murmurs, besought my attention and my scrutiny. This pitiful lust is an eternity old practised poison, feeding off of infatuation, encompassing the apparent ideas of scarlet malice, and through fantasising into your void, it reminded me of my place in your cosmos full of delinquency; absent...
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,830 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm...well this a pretty short piece that we've got here. What really drew me in here was that title that you've got going on there. It certainly is quite something there, and as someone who is a big fan of the ol' people hating each other to eventually become friends situation in stories, this one catches my interesting in particular here.
Moving onto the actual piece here, this ending is the first thing that caught my attention, the fact that we end on an ellipse is something that keeps you a bit on your toes as a reader and to see such a thing in such a short piece immediately catches your attention. Then the piece itself which seems to go into some serious detail regarding eyes here. It doesn't quite paint the clearest of pictures I think because we don't have too much context which is very much to be expected with something this short, so, while that's a bit of an issue, it can be allowed to slide somewhat, because that does add very much to the general sense of mystery here.
Overall, this is a pretty interesting little story here and well there really isn't too much else to say about it here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey there, it's me Nike here to review!
First off, I'd like to say welcome to Young Writers Society! This is a community of writers', here to welcome you with open arms. We review a lot on this site, it helps us writers improve with our writing. May they be positive or negative reviews, they all help, trust me. We aren't here to hate on anyone.
Now, to the short really short story. There's not much here, but at the same time, there's a lot. You used very good wording. To be frank with you, not everyone understands the words you used. Heck, I didn't understand them.
You don't want people to be looking up words in Google from your story, now do you?
It was just too much, to be honest. So much condensed into one little paragraph. This story needs some room to breathe. You have to use less descriptive words (something I thought I'd never say)... make it looser.
The nice this is that I could feel the heartbreak, which is amazing in such little amount of words.
I think there will be a continuation? From the way it ended?
Anyway, great work. I like the words you used, I just wish it was less wordy. It's a little too much. But I love that you could do it.
Nike
Thanks Nike
Good imagery - too wordy.
This is something that I personally had to learn very recently, and it's that jamming something so tiny with tons of huge words is so easy to mess up. And you've used such remarkable vocabulary, honestly, it sounds very educated. But there's too much at times, and when I made this same mistake -and I'm paraphrasing- someone told me that the next tab shouldn't be for googling fancy words.
I choked up a number of times on words that I had to c/p in dictionary.com, which takes so much away from this absolutely lovely short. Once I did know what the words meant though, I was able to enjoy the story for what it was. But once all those huge words are out of the way, it really is a beautiful piece.
Hope I helped!
-amelie.
Thank you Amelie, yeah all my friends say the same, I need to work on that. It's just, some simple words don't do justice to particular emotions! haha!
Hey! Kazey here for a review!
So, I'm not going to lie, the imagery in this was truly beautiful and I honestly did drift back to my first love. The language used was truly evocative of the emotion of love. It truly makes it sound like "I" really loves and cares deeply for you, although more in a sort of infatuated way.
However, there are points that could be improved upon. I know earlier I said your use of language is great, and it is. However, sometimes it's a little unnecessarily wordy, and it almost makes a chore of reading the piece; it makes it feel like reading a thesaurus. Some words, perhaps, could be "dumbed down" a little, for lack of better phrase, while still being evocative.
Moreover, a small point, but manoeuvering is spelt wrong, I think, unless manoeuvring is a colloquial spelling (like colour and color).
Lastly, I feel like maybe the title is a little inappropriate. It doesn't sound like "I" hates not hating "you". "I" seems perfectly okay with not hating "you". Also, this isn't really a short story. Perhaps it would be better in the other section?
Overall though, a good read, and thanks.
~Kazey
PS- I stand corrected. In British English, manoeuvring is the accepted form. I am British, and have therefore being spelling manoeuvring wrong my whole life. Which is odd, because I've always spelt it as manoeuvre, not maneuver, so I don't know why I spelt it as maneuvering, not manoeuvring. Anyway, I'm ranting.
Hey, thanks for this. Wordiness is my biggest vice. Thanks for taking the time to write this review. In regards to "Manoeuvre", I'm from Australia, and as far as I've been taught, it's colloquial yeah.