z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Spectacles

by dystopianmonkey01


If you were to undress my eyes in the light

You would see a reflection of your beauty in my orbs

Swimming like tender winds of cerulean admiration

Through the blazing flame of my interior


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
65 Reviews


Points: 4392
Reviews: 65

Donate
Wed Dec 14, 2016 7:29 pm
EccentricRose wrote a review...



Dear dystopianmonkey01,

Eccentric Rose has dropped by to review your poem. :)

The Title- I am going to admit that the title was kind of boring and underplayed the intensity of the poem. When I see the word "Spectacles" it reminds me of an old man reading a book in a rocking chair...Not that that is bad scene, but I don't think it is the kind of first impression you are looking for.

When I started reading, you definitely captured my attention. This poem is not one of those cliche romance poems but it is much deeper.

"undress my eyes in the light" <----- This is amazing imagery.

It is very short for the amount of intensity/depth in the written words. I would like to see a continuation of it....but be sure not to turn the extension simple. The uniqueness to this poem is the words that make you think and contemplate the meaning of the words.

You have A LOT of potential. It was a pleasure reading and reviewing your poem!

~Rose






Aww, thanks heaps Rose! Your reviews mean a lot.

In my opinion titles are always the most difficult to think of, and now that you mentioned the 'Spectacles', I totally agree!

Have a lovely day :D



User avatar
806 Reviews


Points: 1883
Reviews: 806

Donate
Tue Dec 13, 2016 7:18 am
Aley wrote a review...



Hey dystopianmonkey01,

I was really happy to see you reviewing, so I decided to come give you a review! That being said, I'm going to be following the YWS Critiquing Sandwich which is our staple for the best way to go about reviewing something for full points and helpfulness.

What I liked:
I really liked the way that you played with language in this poem. You used a lot of good tricks to keep this from being a common romance poem. I've read and written a lot of romance poems over the years, so seeing something that was familiar to those, but also unique to your choice of words was really fun.

I like the way that "swimming like tender winds of cerulean admiration" sounds despite the wind not being blue. It was a really unique way to put it together, and I love the use of "tender" because it sounds so close to the typical "tendrils" which is what I'm used to seeing. "tendrils of love" sort of thing.

The Meat/What could improve:

I didn't like your choice of capitalization or punctuation. I feel like they were mismatched. To me, if a poem is going to lack punctuation, it seems proper that it doesn't have line capitalization like you do here. It might just be because of how you wrote it, or what you wrote it on, but that bothers me. Here's a guide about what Line Capitalization is Capitalization in Poetry along with the other forms you could use instead. Here's the one on punctuation Punctuation in Poetry which is basically the same thing but with punctuation methods.

Lastly, here's a formatting guide for YWS because it's tricky with poetry: How To Format Poetry. Seriously, it's a tricky thing on here. The best method I use is to make it all one sentence, and then hold shift or your equivalent while you hit enter for the line breaks. That will make it a single line break.


Another thing I think you could improve on is the depth of your poem. I know, I know, this is a hard one. I love your use of language, but I feel like it's contradicting itself a little bit. You talk about wind, but then you jump into fire? This poem doesn't feel personal enough because you're not really using a speaker. You have a speaker, clearly, but the speaker isn't really talking to a particular someone that we could tell. I could read this to anyone, and it could be just for them.

It's oblique, it doesn't have much character. To me, the best way to make a deep poem is to give it real character. Make this something that you could only say in one situation. Limit it down from a poem that's pretty, to a poem about that one time when your speaker and their significant other were caught in one another's eyes thinking about everything. The more particular you get about it, the more we're going to be able to Awwww at it as an audience.


The last thing I'd like to see you improve on as a poet, is just a personal challenge and preference. I like poetry that's conversational, so I'd love to see you write a poem that was conversational in nature. A poem that's meant to be two people talking, but just one side of the conversation, someone's thoughts portrayed in a poetic way that's not trying to be poetic, but clear. I think it's a great thing for poets to be able to do, whether they stick with the style or not. After all, our main goal is communication, isn't it? To get people to read our poems? Tell them what we want them to hear, or help them feel what we want them to feel? What better way than to actually say it?

Summarize Suggestions and Opinion:

Overall, I think the poem has a lot of really great language and you're definitely a poet, but I think there are ways that you can push this poem, and your subsequent poems further. I'd like to see you get more specific with poems, write from the middle of a story that can play out in your mind. Make it specific, and give us details to make us really feel like we're part of that story. The less people could write that poem, the better. I'd also like to challenge you to write a conversational poem, where you're talking about the speaker's thoughts on something. It's something that could be really difficult and develop your skills as a poet, or revolutionary for you if you find that you really love that style of poetry. Either, way it's a positive!

Thank you for reviewing so quickly! I hope you liked my feedback and if you have any questions, feel free to find me and chat.






Thanks Aley, very, very helpful. I'll definitely work on these things you've mentioned, thanks for the time spent giving this feedback! :D



User avatar
43 Reviews


Points: 4
Reviews: 43

Donate
Tue Dec 13, 2016 7:16 am
Fullmetal13 wrote a review...



I gotta say I don't think I can say anything negative (I mean it is really short.) Your word choice is fantastic. I loved that you used cerulean instead of just blue. I think it almost kind of reminds me of that quote that's like "our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate..." It's like you're saying, if you look in my eyes you won't find judgement, you'll see your light, which I think is a cool concept. I think I'd replace the word orbs? I don't know I'm just nit picking because I don't like the word orbs. It's right up there with moist for me. I'd have used lenses of retina's. Maybe something a little bit more anatomically specific? I think they would have added just another word in there making it just a little bit more complex. Like I said though, I really liked it. You made me think for at least 3x as long as it took me to read it which was a good thing. Keep it up!






Hey! Thanks! Much appreciated :)




Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that.
— Ellen DeGeneres