One doesn't look for money,
in the market of love.
No one looks at the appearance
when they have fallen in love.
None will bother about the price
if the thing they are getting is good.
The boundary of my love was when I gave my heart.
The boundary of my trust was when I gave my life.
I died, but my eyes remained open;
That was the boundary of my waiting.
There is something in you which no one else possess.
You have created a temple in my heart;
And you are my heart's idol.
Tell me oh beloved, what shall I do?
There is a difference in beauty and love,
but what shall I do, I believe in both.
I bow down and pray if God's upset with me;
But what shall I do if she's upset with me?
I wasn't much into drinking
and had no plans of quitting either.
Don't accuse me of being an alcoholic;
She intoxicate with her eyes, now tell me what shall I do!?
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Heya, Chrissy here for a review!
I was just cruising through greenroom, and clicked on your work. Well, I saw something that made me gag, and now I have to say something. Figures. But, I will try and write a real review.
I don't know, but this seemed kinda clunky to me. I think you should take out the "my heart's" in the second line and replace it with the.
Will that work for you? The second heart just seemed kinda redundant, and stood out. I do like the comparison to a temple though. It makes the person the poem is about seem more precious, and farther away. Like something to be adored. Something you have to work for. Instead of just a random girl you meet in the local Wal-Mart that happens to be cute.
I notice you use semicolon's a lot. Once in a while is fine, but all the time is not.
Okay, here is the part that made me gag.
No, no. Naughty doniz. None of these double marks. They aren't allowed. Against some grammar rule.
don't ask me which, I forgot.*Shakes my head at you* Just leave it with a question mark. It doesn't really seem like yelling anyways. More of a prayer, than something that is being yelled. Like someone pleading. Not demanding.Well, that finishes it. Nothing else I could find. I'm not really that good at review poetry. Don't write very much poetry, so can't review it as well as some. I'm just learning the rules that go along with it.
I liked the work. It was descriptive, made it easy to see what the person that was talking was feeling. Was very well written, with very few mistakes. I will be coming back for more!
KEEP WRITING!
You made my day. Thank you so much for such an amazing review.
You are great!
Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. i like to begin on how the tone of this poem is that you wish to be with the girl of your dreams, but she never seems to see you as you look at her. Also how the message of this could relate to many people.
Nitpick:
I died, but my eyes remind open This confuses me but at the same time, it doesn't (if that makes sense.) i think it means that you have died from seeing her beauty or something.
Overall, i think many people could relate since when they see something so beautiful and rare that they never want to desert them or want them to look at them the say they look at person they love.
This poem reminds me of my friend since he had loved someone so much that whenever he looked at the person he loved, he had wished that she could feel the same way. But as the years grew on, the girl never seemed to notice my friend until it was the end if the school year and she came up to him and told him that he had dropped his notebook in the hallway. And every since that day, they have been dating.
Sorry if i ramble above, just my way of saying how much i love this poem.
Farewell,
CapitalMonday
Thank you so much for the review CapitalMonday. I owe you one now!
Well, what I meant in that part of the poem was that my love for her is so deep that even if I die, my eyes would remain open because, even after dying, I'd wait for her.
Thanks a lot for telling a story of your friend. I am glad he found what he wanted
Have a great day. See you around.
Alas, 'tis I gokubrother. Let's go right into the review, shall we?
I like your piece because shows there's a lot of emotion behind its conception, but that's also the thing that sets it back. Too much emotion and not enough meticulous, careful word choice can lead to a jumbled up piece of disorganized emotion. Perhaps next time try to take a little more time reviewing your piece or editing.
In your first stanza, you play off of a marketplace motif speaking prices and money. However, the motif completely changes in the second stanza, when you begin playing with the different kinds of boundaries the speaker has. Once the first two stanzas are done, you place one rhetorical question per stanza for the rest of the poem.
Reaching the final three stanzas is when the poem begins to derail a bit. The only subject tying the final three stanzas together is the beloved that is spoken of with great frequency. Maybe bringing back one of the motifs from the first two stanzas or creating an entirely different motif (aside from the beloved subject) that ties together the last three stanzas would help out a bit.
Again, I like your piece because there's a lot of raw emotion in it, but that alone doesn't make a masterpiece.
Keep writing!
-Goku
Thanks for the suggestion. I wrote it in less than an hour so I had no time to reread it or get back to it and change it. I'll try to invest more time in the next one.
Thanks for your time to review it.
Goku for life. Cheers!
Hello!
Romantic poetry is very difficult to write well; I think you have written well enough in this particular piece. Thanks for sharing! I was very delighted that the structure in this piece is done very well; I enjoy the centered format.
The first stanza is saturated in negation/command, and I think this is too aggressive for the start of a romantic poem. The third stanza is, in my opinion, the weakest out all the others; it doesn't use vocabulary and metaphors very uniquely. Also, the last line should be corrected to, "She intoxicates* with her eyes..."
The best moment for me was the second stanza, for it delves into boundaries of love which I believe is interesting. Maybe this piece can explore a little more as to the restrictive and limited stifles of love. Again, thank you for spending the time to post and share your work. Keep writing!
Best,
Z
Thank you so much for the review. I was in such a hurry because I had so much work to do but this idea, in my head, wasn't allowing me to concentrate well on anything. I am really sorry for the mistakes made. I'd try my best to overcome those in the next part I write.
Thank you so very much for reviewing it. I owe you one now.
Cute poem but at points i find it difficult to understand what is your theme... like are you really dead as you said yous eyes are waiting or has she ditched you. however recommendable bouquet of emotions.
Sorry!
Well, what I meant in that part of the poem was that my love for her is so deep that even if I die, my eyes would remain open because, even after dying, I'd wait for her.
Hope that makes sense now. Thank you so much for commenting here. Cheers!
Hey donizback! Autumns here with my thoughts-
Okay, so first of all, as the title conveys, the poem is supposed to be about the narrator's helplessness (because he/she is in love). A couple of suggestions:
1) Try not to make the narrator sound like a pile of mush, it diminishes the effect of him/her being lovesick. Be subtle about it.
2) -
-
-
I don't particularly like the repetitive, questioning nature of these lines. The emotion they're trying to convey, I'm not feeling it, to be honest. Try turning these lines from interrogative to somewhat assertive. Say, for example:
-
-
3) I'm not sure about the expression 'the market of love'. It brings weird thoughts to mind. Also,
I think that the use of the word thing takes out the 'preciousness' element that is associated with something that one loves. Try using some other word or try rephrasing this line.
Overall, I'll say that this poem needs some more effort. I hope my review was of some help to you. We're all learners here.
Keep writing, don.
Thanks a lot senior. I'd try my best to overcome all these issues in the next piece I write. I won't let you down again.
I love you.
Love you too
good job