What is life?
A bubble of water.
Where are you?
In a bubble of water.
Everything is temporary here,
but you do not understand.
What is all this?
Indeed a bubble of water.
You are busy in here
discovering new things.
But you fail to discover
the greatest discoveries.
The greatest discoveries,
are not in this world,
they are close to you;
they are in your heart.
Whom are you finding?
When you have to failed to find yourself.
What are you correcting?
If you have failed to correct yourself.
You are lost here in the
goodness of this world!
But you have forgotten of
your bubble to burst.
Your family, your money,
your luxuries, your parties,
all will be left here because
all this is a bubble of water.
Who are you?
A bubble of water!
Then why are you so proud?
If you cannot control yourself.
Leave me alone!
In this room of darkness.
I want to discover myself before
I get released from this bubble.
You shall also return,
from where you belong.
Because this bubble will burst,
whether you are right or wrong!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Heya I was just hovering around your works and I saw 15 comments here so I came here...just reviewing to review.
Ahh this really was good as you usually write good. And I can see that you wanted to make people realize that life is nothing but a bubble which can burst anytime no matter how you are so there is nothing really to be proud about.
But while going through the poem I kinda felt that this poem is a little you know unclear I don't know why maybe me too is failing to find that fault out...err...maybe its the rythm...yeah the rythm is a bit off but it's okay...still a good piece...
Shouldn't it be like this: When you have failed to find yourself.
And I don't see any other faults here...keep writing and using your talent...
little sis
~Urba
the poem is a collage of emotions and a great work. it is realistic and also teaches now to derive the best. i like the flow in the poem and the constant upgrading of mind. but i would also suggest some problems in it that could be corrected-
first theoretical error [ it can pass as a jest ] bubbles don't really form in water, it does form in soap
next the constant repetition kind of buggs me and i would like to read it, i would like to read more of your poem than the constant thought.
the poem is really great and presents me no other point of criticism.. however do criticize me as i earnestly need your comments...
Hello! So this is Pokemon Review Day, so I would love to do this review Pokemon Style!! (Please don't judge me, it's just fun XD) If you have something against it, then scroll down.
*THEME SONG STARTS PLAYING*
I wanna be the very best
Like no one ever was
To catch them is my real test
To train them is my cause
I will travel across the land
Searching far and wide
Each Pokemon to understand
The power that's inside
Pokemon gotta catch them all its you and me
I know it's my destiny
Pokemon, oh, you're my best friend
In a world we must defend
Pokemon, a heart so true
Our courage will pull us through
You teach me and I'll teach you
Pokemon, gotta catch 'em all
Every challenge along the way
With courage I will face
I will battle every day
To claim my rightful place
Come with me, the time is right
There's no better team
Arm in arm we'll win the fight
It's always been our dream
*TEAM AQUA RUNS ONTO SCREEN*
Team Aqua here to review! ...Let's go!
This is lovely and very meaningful. The way you asked someone where they were, and they were in the bubble. Then you say that the greatest discoveries are in your heart.
I'm writing this as I read, so having not read the second half, I am thinking that the bubble is a metaphor for all the distractions in life that keep you from finding yourself. Am I right?
I'm thinking I'm right...
To me this part is talking about finding yourself before you're thrown out among the world, with no idea where to go or what to do. I like how you've written this.
Whether you are talking about life or something else, you have shown that it is inevitable. That's an awesome ending!
I love the format that you've written this is, and it has a lot of different meanings for people with different feelings. Well done!
*TEAM AQUA LEAVES AND THEME SONG RETURNS*
This poem seems to me, to be about a plee for solitude. The author has found himself on a journey for self discovery. The comparison of self to a bubble seems to entail fragility of opinion or view. You dont want to lose yourself as you easily could. The format is well done and is eay on the eyes. The simile worked well. Your grammer is good as well. Good job.
Here to review as per request:
<--- this doesn't flow very well, consider changing "to discover new things" --> "discovering new things".Grammar/Wording
This stanza seemed very unclear to me:
I'd suggest replacing both periods with question marks, and rewording in a way that makes more sense and flows better. It might just be the line breaks in that stanza that make it so hard to understand so don't just put a line break every time you hit 5-6 words or just to have a good word for the ending of the line. It has to make sense to break the line there.
Maybe change to:
Again this sentence is hard to understand and just has awkward wording:
Some times it's a good idea to write or read your poem as if it were prose and make sure it makes sense that way with the same capitalization and punctuation and wording. Also I consider it an essential part of editing poetry to read you poem out loud. My poetry teacher always said that a poem is meant to be heard. Reading out loud should help you figure out where the awkward wordings are.
The punctuation seems a little odd here: Might need a question mark.
This whole stanza needs to have an edit for punctuation. If any line needs an exclamation mark (I'm not a fan of exclamation marks in general as they can seem fake and your words should speak louder than any punctuation mark anyways..) this line "Leave me alone" sure looks like it's said in exclamation.
Also 2nd line could have a period, 3rd line no comma (for this stanza).
Last stanza should be "Because this bubble will burst, [i]whether[i]whether you are right or wrong." or "Because this bubble will burst,/ even if you are wrong."
The exclamation mark at the end seemed misplaced and almost mocking, I think a period would be a more dramatic finish but that's just my opinion.
Overall, the word choice again is very simplistic. There's nothing inherently wrong about simple words but for your next poem consider stretching yourself; find a few words that are more than 2-3 syllables, a word that you don't use 100 times a day.
There is good alliteration in this piece and an almost excessive amount of repetition. I like that the "B" & "W" sounds are used quite a bit, so good job on that.
Formatting
With all the repetition I think you could get away with saying the exact same thing in about 3 less stanzas. One of the hardest editing things to do as a writer is to condense. There is no relation to word count and how good a poem is. The length was a good size for the poem, but I just felt that what you wanted to say could have been said in fewer lines.
I have to say, you did a much better job in this poem staying focused with a theme, image, and idea: "Our life is in a bubble". And although, I found some line breaks and lines to be confusing and awkwardly worded I felt like there was still overall pretty good flow to the poem and visually the poem looked very clean with four even lines every stanza. Great job with that, it made your ideas seem more put together and balanced.
Content/Message
I like how you simplified a philosophical discussion of difficult ideas like life, death, and afterlife into this fragile visual metaphor of a bubble.
The poem is somewhat open to interpretation so that people can think about their own lives in relation to the bubble, but I felt like there was enough structure in each stanza that the reader could clearly understand just what the speaker was trying to communicate.
Very original idea and pretty good execution. With some editing of the wording that I mentioned I think this poem could be really good. Thank you for posting, it's great to see you improve from piece to piece!
~alliyah
Thank you very much for the review. It is really very helpful. I shall edit the poem as you suggested
Hello, Chips here with a review, as requested
I really liked this piece, it was somewhat philosophical and was cohesive. It had a clear focus and it could be interpreted in many ways so good job on that. I especially was pleased with the way each verse equally carried its own philosophical idea.
I have a few suggestions which may be of help to you. Though my critiques are mainly nitpicks since they've been highlighted below in the reviews.
"What is life?
A bubble of water.
Where are you?
In a bubble of water."
This was a nice start, i saw below that the "bubble" was referencing life, which was an interesting use of metaphor. The only nitpick I have here is the last line, I would just change the "a" to *the*. But otherwise it's fine.
"Things here are temporary,"
The word, "things", isn't the most poetic term so I would rephrase the sentence. Perhaps, *Everything is temporary here* or *Here it's all temporary*.. something along those lines.
"Whom are you finding if you
have failed to find yourself.
What are you correcting if you
have failed to correct yourself."
This was my favorite stanza, it was the most thought provoking and wise I think.,
Overall well done and keep writing! Hope this review helped.
--Chippy
Thanks sir. I shall edit the poem and make proper adjustments as you have said.
Have a nice day.
I really like the bubble of water metaphor. As the poem goes on, it makes the reader think that life is important, and one should extend his horizons instead of living in a private bubble. When all you have is lost from that bubble, what is to have left? That's all true, and it's sad to see that most people do live in a bubble, especially celebrities. I'm glad that you got this poem out there because people need to see what the truth is. This is truth, and I praise you for it.
Hello Don. Here to review as promised. I'm glad I'm not the only one who asks for reviews...
Right, onto the review now. I thought that the poem was worded very well, the concept of the bubble was fascinating. I loved how you described life bursting it. The questions breaking up the flow of 'story' were interesting cuts into the description. The questions kind of jab at the metaphorical bubble.
Were you kind of exploring what happens after death because the bubble is life and you mention it bursting several times. The bit about leaving things behind suggested that.
Whoah... You made me think of all that?!
Unfortunately I did feel that the poem was just a bit long and may have gotten a bit lost somewhere along the line. There is always room for improvement because nothing's perfect. That said, this is definitely a great work.
I'll hopefully be coming back to review you some more at a later date.
Keep going.
Thank you so much BellaRoma. It means a lot. I shall try to be more focused the next time.
I have a fear of writing reviews, because I'm absolutely terrible at it. But, you asked for a review, and here it goes.
I love the repetition in this poem. The first 2 stanzas ended with "bubble of water" and that kept me interested. I was a little disappointed however, to find this set of words not used in the same manner between stanzas 3-6.
I love rhyming in a poem, but this poem did absolutely fine without rhyming! However, the final stanza rhymed belong with wrong. Because the rest of the poem did not rhyme, this felt out of place and awkward. I'm not sure if it rhymed intentionally or not.
I thought the line "bubble to burst" sounded a bit out of place. Perhaps you could write "You have forgotten that your bubble will burst"?
I was also a little bit confused by the 3rd to last stanza, when you mention the inability to control yourself. I suppose it was a reference to the inevitability of the bursting of the bubble, but it wasn't very clear.
In the penultimate stanza you mention a "room of darkness", but that confused me because bubbles aren't usually dark, and they aren't exactly rooms
I wish you kept tighter to your metaphor.
As for the last stanza, I did not understand the first two lines at all
You seem to claim that the speaker belongs in a bubble of water, so how will they return there if it bursts? That's probably not what you were trying to say though.
Anyways, overall this is a really awesome poem. I love the metaphor of life to a bubble, and the descriptions of a struggle to discover ones-self (coming of age theme?)
Nice work and keep writing!
Hadj
The third last stanza was about death; we can't change the time when we are going to die so this is what I meant there.
"room of darkness" means I want to stay away from people and discover my inner talent before I die (bubble burst).
And finally, the last stanza was talking about death (again). I was saying that we shall return (die) from where we came (if you believe in religion, then to God. Otherwise if you don't believe, then you'll go nowhere, just disappear).
I hope it all makes sense now. Do let me know if you are confused somewhere else too.
Thanks for the review though
Hi donizback!
I have promised myself never to review poetry because it is not my strength, but I will do so on your request.
I keep wondering through the poem what this bubble of water is. It might be that you're referring to the fact that humans are made of mostly water, or it may be the fact that our planet is mostly water and is shaped like a bubble. I'm not sure.
That aside, I think I can appreciate the message that you are trying to say... Basically you are addressing those who focus too much on things that are really unimportant, instead of realising how small and insignificant we are.
I particularly liked this verse:
The greatest discoveries,
are not in this world,
they are close to you;
they are in your heart.
But this one is confusing:
But you have forgotten of
your bubble to burst.
Hope that helped.
By saying "bubble of water", I simply meant that our lives are like bubble of water which can shatter at any time! It is unpredictable.
Makes sense now?
Ok, that's what I thought
hahah basically I heard someone saying, in my first language, "Life is a bubble of water. Enjoy it before it burst."
Hope it wasn't a bad attempt!
I was inspired by this idea so I thought of writing on it
Utopia Dreamworld here,
Great poem! It seems to describe, and tell us things in amazing ways. Like for instance: by telling us that we can't understand, reveals a personal side to the poem. I only found one or two things wrong.
'Then why you are proud?''
I think this would sound better as: Then why are you proud or Then why are you so proud?
'In the room of darkness.''
I think to really make it seem like your character is in the room, I would recommend you say: In this room of darkness.
I love your half-rhymes in each verse. I've always felt like full-rhyming poems sound a bit childish, but it matters whats in them. With half-rhymes, your poem gets the emotion it needs, but the rhyme in the last verse does sound a bit more forced. Your use of exclamation marks, in places, don't really fit in a poem like this, so I would recommend re-reading and seeing if some are really necessary. But apart from that, I think this poem is beautiful. I love the feeling and depth and I hope my review has helped it even more.
Utopia Paradise, signing out.
Thank you very much for your kind review. I shall correct those little mistakes there
I am happy you liked it.
Hey, Sillia here.
This is very very well written. I love the description and time that you put into this. You obviously went very deep into yourself to bring forth this wonderful creation. My perhaps favorite part of the whole poem is the part that says.
I like how it says that things here are temporary and saying that the reader dose not understand. It is very well written and very thought out. The part about money, luxuries any other wanted items makes the whole thing seem real. Very well thought out. Good job though, keep writing.
< Sillia >
Thank you very much
Ah, this is a refreshing piece here. What is more fragile, more temporary as a bubble of water? Yet what is so beautiful? This is a good reminder that our life is tiny and fleeting, and we must make us of it and value the important things before the bubble bursts.
I am glad that you liked it
Its absolutely beautiful. It is realistic and I really like the way you've put forth the conception that life is precarious. An individual is enclosed in their tiny bubble that's composed of everything regarding them. Your emphasis on 'your' in the seventh stanza was great! It hints the mentality of humans
Like The Leviathan, you've put forth how humans are essentially concerned about themselves, their possessions, their everything.
Because ultimately when you die, you take none of it with you.
Over all, you've used the metaphor brilliantly. Great job!
Thanks for the review mate. And welcome to YWS
)
I noticed your username also having some link with my poem (if you know what I mean
I love it! It was really great and thoughtful! I loved the message it brought. Absolutely amazing! Since it is a poem, the way you formatted and punctuated was great! Overall, I loved it! Keep it up! Love your work to pieces!
Have a great day!
Lots of Love
Annaclare