Young Writers Society

Hello, Don.

I think that this is an interesting concept, but I don't know if it's really doing it for me. The poem doesn't really do anything new with the concept, and doesn't make me think of anything in a new way.

The language is odd for me. You use words like sepulcher and also phrases like "they left me all alone." So my suggestion for this would be to regulate the level of language that you use throughout the poem. It almost feels like you took snippets of things and put them into a rather messy collage. Collages can be beautiful, but I feel like this was too snippety.

You end your poem with an ellipsis, which is one of my pet peeves. It does nothing for the poem but weaken it. You could have easily used a full stop and it would have been perfectly fine. There's no need for trailing off.

Try experimenting with enjambment. Enjambment is the breaking of lines in a less expected manner than usual, as in breaking the line in the middle of a sentence rather than at the end. While you do sometimes have commas at the end of your lines rather than periods, it isn't very exciting. If you do choose to experiment with your line breaks, just remember to end the line on a strong word like a noun or a verb rather than an adjective, adverb, or conjunction.

I hope that this review proves useful to you! I hope you have a good day! Happy YWSing!

Hello, donizback! It's really cool to review the top reviewer, and seeing you have over 5000 points, you should be proud of yourself!
Now, let's review your poem!
This is a very interesting poem, and I can't really figure it out. The message seems to be that in the end, one life does not matter as everyone will forget who you were. However, where is the narrator? The title is "All Alone Down There!," which I can assume where that might be, but is that truly where the narrator is? After all, the last line kind of confused me. "A life without anyone inside of here..." Inside of where?
Maybe I'm just really stupid, which is a huge possibility, but still.
I like how the narrator is reflecting back, though. The whole theme is rather cool, and I congratulate you for doing something rather original. I like poems that can be rather depressing or tell the uttermost truth of life (or even question it), so I thought this poem was pretty intriguing.
Good job portraying your idea and sticking with it! ~Prez. T

Hi,

I'll leave some line-by-line comments first and then try to summarise my thoughts at the end.

Specifics

They left me all alone in here,
Without even saying goodbye.
What happened to this world,
In a matter of minutes?

Strangers came to my funeral,
And they were a few to pray for me.
I couldn't even see those people,
Whom I concentrated my life upon!

How will I even rest in the sepulcher?
Death showed me the true face of everyone else.
My own friends came holding soil in their hands,
And gave me the return of my love for them.

Human! Just a body of clay.
Stands alone in it's own way.
Have millions of dreams to accomplish,
But only have a few days to live.
Just a breeze of death is enough,
To take away this clay's life.

Whatever you see is just a reflection of nothing.
An old world with such a great gravitation.
It's deserted and brimming at the same time.

Nobody even thought how I would live
A life without anyone inside of here...

great work and beautiful theme. i really liked the first part of your poem as it went in a smooth flow opening like a story. however the flow was a bit jerky at the end, and things seemed to be quite sad. for the nitpicking-
"My own friends came holding soil in their hands,
And gave me the return of my love for them."- i love the imagery you created here and the connection with an irony. it has really never crossed my head the way you thought
"Human! Just a body of clay."- you can experiment with the word ''body'' here. you can try words like " mold". or " frame"- however this is completely your decision that what you choose and no force applies.
"To take away this clay's life."- try " to blow away" in place of " to take away'. it seems more appropriate when you speak about wind.
"A life without anyone inside of here..."- i am quite confused about the ending. i don't really get what you mean here. perhaps an explanation would have been helpful. and you see ending it with a strong line would add to your poem, so try ending it wit the graveyard line where people gave you soil...
keep writing,
Ritupana

Hello, Kanome here with a review.

This is very depressing..
It shows who are your true friends and who are the friends that don't even care. I can't even begin to describe how the person in this poem must felt before he/she died..
It shows the reality of the world we know of today. That's the best feature of this poem, and I like the realization of the world coming in public.

I didn't see anything wrong in this poem.
It flows perfectly, you had a topic to talk about, and it's based on reality, rather than fantasy.

All in all, this is truly amazing!
I can't wait to read more, keep it up.
I can see the true potential in you as a poet/writer!

Kanome

I like the poem. But I have suggestions, in the second line, other than "bye" why not say "goodbye" cause its more proper and it has a good manner to it because if you say "bye", it sounded like the people who were in the funeral didn't care to the dead person at all.

I'm confused in the second and third line of the first stanza:

"What happened to this world,
In a matter of minutes"

It sounded like you're asking a question in this part, I think its more proper if you like:

"In a matter of minutes,
What is going to happen in this world"

Or

"In a matter of minutes,
What could happen to this world?"

Its like the persona is questioning of what would the world be like without him since he is already dead, right? So in that first paragraph, its like the persona's is still standing before putting it down for burial. I'm sorry if you don't understand that part

So overall the poem is good. The creativity is good. So, great job