z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

A Paradoxical World

by donizback, Que


The flaming sun above is so bright;
It is such a beautiful morning,
And yet, I can't see any light.
Although the moon and stars are still glowing.

On the bright and stormy night,
The dogs were shining and the stars were barking.
And the green clouds blocked all light,
As the shadows danced beneath the sun.

All that day the moon shone dark,
The yellow grass grew quite low
Under a layer of snow in the park.
The hot summer sun made the land cold.

Making the sky look sublime,
The dark clouds are so terrifying.
It hasn't rained from quite some time
But the rainbow is seen all the while.

The nocturnal birds slept well that night.
The cows chirruped in the fields.
The crickets lowed but did not bite;
On the farm deep within the metropolis.

It had rained for weeks and was unbearably dry,
A dozen people had caught hypothermia.
When the fruit had unripened, there was fresh apple pie
And the dry cherry jelly within was delicious.

As the lions are busy climbing the trees,
The king of the jungle is the monkey.
Killing a few cats spare and transferring many flees,
The rats are so innocent as we see.

The walls stood tall on the open land;
The fields by the fresh-water sea.
And all that remained of the ocean was sand,
Where the fish swam wild through the waves.

I have a crush on one of the girls, I fear
Who died before my birth.
Her voice is so charming to my ear,
It's just because I can't hear a word.


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60 Reviews


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Sun May 31, 2015 8:26 am
AllisonArgent wrote a review...



Jumping straight to the review the [sorry if I'm too harsh] I'm not good at giving review but moon and sun on the same sky, green clouds and shining DOGS!and stars were barking? that's not really making much sense.
'The hot sun made the land cold'? umm.. I know there snow but the land cold I'd rather use wet or watery.Do crickets bite? did you meant the grass?Okay so in the poem you put every thing upside down and it's didn't work so well. The thing is that this poem is not so funny to me but it's kind of catchy. Just need a lot of work. sorry if you meant this that way but to me I like humor stuff simple.




donizback says...


This poem is written to not make any sense. But thanks for the review :)





I'm so sorry I did not really read the title.



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Wed May 06, 2015 2:23 am
LindsayG wrote a review...



Hey! So I will just jump straight into the review.

The flaming sun above is so bright;
It is such a beautiful morning,
And yet, I can't see any light.
Although the moon and stars are still glowing.

That part is very contradictory. You mention the sun and then later the moon and stars... I would pick one an stick with it, maybe just reiterate whichever one you pick rather than switch ideas entirely.
Okay so reading the rest of it, I noticed that you kind of jump back and forth in and out of ideas, I can see where you're going with this but I think you need to work more on making it clearer.
Generally, I think you have something here you just need to hone it a bit more!




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Tue May 05, 2015 3:56 pm
Dreamwalker wrote a review...



As I'm not quite sure how to address this, I'm just gonna go ahead and say 'you' instead of 'you both' if thats quite alright!

And I'm going to be completely honest with you; this felt very gimmicky. It was well-written concerning the topic that you decided to draw upon, and the imagery was gorgeous for the better portion of this piece. But the topic and content itself was something I had a lot of difficulty finding myself impacted by simply because, as the title states, this was only about the paradox. It lacked any additional facets that would give purpose to said paradoxes, or a hidden meaning that would tie these strange bits of imagery together.

You did reach, which is nice. And there were parts of this poem I liked exceedingly well. Particularly the last stanza when you bring it back to yourself. That part felt the most personal, like I was looking at something bigger than the topic suggested. I wanted more of that last stanza. A whole poem of it, or even it as a standalone piece.

Another note of criticism I do have is some of the rhythm became a bit hankered by certain word choices. For instance, drawing upon that last stanza:

I have a crush on one of the girls, I fear
Who died before my birth.
Her voice is so charming to my ear,
It's just because I can't hear a word.


The two lines in the middle of this set up for a particularly nice flow and read out smooth, but the first and last line feel jagged and abrupt, filled with too many words. If you read it aloud, it feels awkward. An example of how you could change that would be something like this;

ex. I had a crush on a girl, I fear
who died before my birth.
Her voice was so charming to my ear
yet I can't hear a word.

As you can see, the beats are 9 for the first line then 6 for the second then 9 for the third then 6 for the fourth. This makes it read a little easier, though my example is, again, subjective.

In any which case, the imagery is lovely. I think theres some definite promise with this if you can refine it. Try and give meaning behind it. If there is one additional to said paradox, then interweave it. Make it there, even if subtle.

Your humble reviewer,
~ Walker




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Mon May 04, 2015 9:39 pm
Vivian wrote a review...



Hey, Viv here to do a review. First of all, great poem. I really liked it. I find it amazing that you kept up the whole contradicting paradox theme for nine stanzas. Points to you for doing something so hard. But I would just like to point out what I believe to be a few typos.
1. "It hasn't rained from quite sometime" I do believe the from was meant to be for.
2. "The crickets lowed but did not bite" Because you were talking about cows on the line before this one I'm guessing you meant mowed or mooed. I'm not completely sure.
Well, I hope this helps.
Laters.




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Mon May 04, 2015 3:57 pm
speakerskat wrote a review...



Purly awesome! Can I live there ?

This whole poem is an oxymoron its great XD one thing though is in the begenning you seem to have a very nice rhyme scheme but then it kinda just dips off which was a little distracting. I did love the images painted but the last stanza, though my favorite, seemed out of place. You go from describing a weird wacky world and then talk about yourself in such a place before cutting it off seemed ....weird XD . That'd be such a cool poem to write about how you loved a girl you never met or heard or saw or knew about....I should so do that ! This was hilarious though and great job I am thorughly baffeled right now especially by the not biting crickets and barking stars. Great rythm too.

Make it snazzy keep it JAZZY~
Kat





You wanna be a writer? You don't know how or when? Find a quiet place, use a humble pen.
— Paul Simon