Remain in the dark, those black shoes are;
Reminds of a man, who wore them so far.
Getting ready for work, early in the morning
Polishing the shoes, while still mourning.
In the car, in the office,
Even when on a date,
These shoes remained in the feet
Of this man with no fate.
Left in the café, when alone
Shoes were his companion when all gone.
Tired from work, walking back home
Nobody else but shoes walked along.
The secrets of the world is known to it
Who sits quietly beneath his feet.
No longer they are, shiny and black
Torn up and broken, the poor shoes are.
Never again worn, the black shoes are.
He is gone, this time, way too far...
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hello don! It's me Nunya. Hehe. (I can't believe you still call me that!) I liked your poem very much, if fact here's an example:
Anyway, keep writing and NEVER get discouraged!!!
YYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!
Hehe. This was clever. You told a little story in your poem which I know is hard to accomplish but very nice. You gave this a very sad feel then you brightened it up to a happy ending! (so cliché XD jking)!
I have one tip though to make this a bit more clear:
In the car, in the office,
Even when on a date,
These shoes remained in the feet
Of this man with no fate.
<in the feet> I've never worn my shoes inside my feet. Maybe I should try it? Lol You say this isn't about shoes but people don't wear shoes in their feet. Haha anyway, may favorite part of this poem was:
Tired from work, walking back home
Nobody else but shoes walked along.
I don't know why. Don't ask me!!!!
Here are some smiles:
woooowie
yup my favorite lines
Hello there I am here for a review yay! Okay let's get started!
Over all I liked this poem. It's deep and well written.You have done a great job conveying something that not many people think about. The shoes we wear. And how they are with us when we think we're alone aha. I love your use of personification!
Next up is the stuff you should fix/ think about for next time. The format was okay. Yay good formatting. (The stanzas were 2 lines each which is really good thank you aha, but at some points it was 4 lines and that is not good. Break them up. It's Okay).But you started out with a rhyme scheme. But in the like middle of it, well it loses the rhyme scheme. And that's a big no-no. Then it comes back. And well just no. It can throw off a reader sometimes, even if your poem is brilliant just do not do that.
Over all fantastic job I hope to read more from you!
Happy Writing!
-Ash
Hi!
I like what you have here. I think you did a good job. The idea was very creative. I would never have thought of writing a poem about boots.
Some of the rhymes were good, but some of them did not rhyme, while some kind of rhymes, but not really. However, the rhymes are not my main concern. I think the rhythm is. Usually, in poems, each line is supposed to have the same number of beats, or syllables. Some had 8 beats, some had 9, and so on.
Another thing I want to point out are the verses "In the car, in the office......" That part has four lines. I would recommend making "In the car, in the office, Even when on a date" two separate lines, thus following the rest of the poem. It was confusing. I hope I made sense. I hope you understood me.
Other than that, good job.
Good luck and keep writing!!
Hey! You're a fine poet~ This is one nice piece you've got here.
Beautiful poem, Don!
Hey Donny!
Here to review your poem.
First of all, I love the message, the idea of shoes being worn for a very long time through one person's life. However, in a lot of places, I think the wording and/or rhythm could be changed for the better.
Okay, the first two lines just didn't work for me. I know you wanted them to rhyme, but the phrasing is really weird and sounds wrong when I read them out loud. First of all, are should be do, as in the black shoes do remain in the dark, although even that is weird. I would consider just rewriting the first two lines, and it's okay if they don't rhyme.
With this stanza,
I feel like it's good, but here's what I think might work better in terms of rhythm and flow. Changes are in bold.
Maybe "when all WERE gone" it would sound better? All gone just sounds a bit awkward, and possibly childlike.
Favourite stanza of the whole poem!
I just think "never worn again" might sound better here, but this one isn't too bad, just a bit formal, so it's your call.
All in all, great idea! Hope you improve on that rhythm and wording, and it's s wonderful poem!
-Falco
hey there donizback, i am happy to review your poem after long.
i like this thought and the art of slow walking to the climax. however i would like to make a few suggestions-
"Remain in the dark, those black shoes are;"-profound as the line is, i think 'remain" doesn't suit the phrase. it should like an order or prophesy. may be you could write "peeping from the dark..."
when you write in dark shades, its good to personalize your work. it gives it some self felt pain [ i guess you get what i mean. in this line-
"In the car, in the office, ", i think you may use - " in my car, in my office"- to reflect this on yourself.
one line just popped in my mind while reading this poem. may be you could press it in some where -
"a man can't and should not outgrow his shoes"- i think this would add to your tale.
i really liked you story build up, and to be honest felt a tingle of pain at the end for the tragedy. looking forward to many more of your such brilliant writings
Rituparna