z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence Mature Content

Young Charlotte’s demise

by vampricone6783


*This story is underneath my folder titled “V.S.L. (Vampire Spy League)”. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs <33”. Enjoy!*



Charlotte was a four year old girl, simply playing with a ball all by herself in her backyard. She threw it to the fence and caught it as it bounced back to her. It was a boring game, but no one else was around to play with her, so she had to make do with her resources.

Suddenly, she noticed a pale woman standing next to the trees. The woman had black eyes that seemed to twinkle sweetly and long, black hair draping her body.

Charlotte dropped the ball in awe. The woman seemed to exist only in blacks, grays, and whites, for there was no sign of color on her. Even her dress was in black and gray, a sharp contrast to blooming, vibrant flowers she stood next to.

Charlotte had never seen someone so colorless before. The woman looked like a ghost or a vampire. Something in between, Charlotte wasn’t sure.

The woman smiled at Charlotte, her black lipstick forming a friendly grin.

Even though the woman didn’t have any colors, Charlotte still returned a toothy smile, for bad people never beamed.

“I’m sorry that I’m in your backyard, kid. I’m lonely, you see. Very lonely. All I need is one friend to hug. Would you like one?” The woman asked.

She spread her arms out in a comforting embrace. Charlotte looked back at her house.

No, her Mom and Dad were busy. They were still inside, minding their own business.

She could talk to the woman a little longer.

“What’s your name?” Charlotte asked, turning to the woman.

“I’m Cecilia. What’s yours?” Cecilia asked softly. Her arms were still out in an embrace, as though she were expecting Charlotte’s hug.

“Charlotte. Do you pinky swear that you just want to be my friend?” Charlotte asked.

She didn’t think that Cecilia was bad, because she was smiling and answering her questions, but still, she wanted to be sure.

“I pinky swear.” Cecilia said.

She extended her pinky out for Charlotte to grasp. All she had to do was loop her pinky around Cecilia’s, and then they would hug.

Charlotte walked towards Cecilia, for a pinky swear was something that nobody was able to go back on. Once it was declared, it was set in stone.

Besides, Cecilia just wanted a friend. Bad people didn’t want friends. Bad people didn’t pinky swear. Bad people didn’t hug. Though Charlotte had never made friends with people in her backyard before, she was certain that Cecilia would be okay.

All Charlotte had to do was-

Cecilia wrapped her arms around Charlotte, grasping tight to the little girl.

What was she doing? Why wasn’t she letting go? Didn’t she pinky swear? Didn’t she PROMISE?

Charlotte felt needle-sharp teeth pierce the flesh of her neck. The leaves of the trees shaded them from the outside world, her parents were still inside.

Tears formed in her eyes. Why was Cecilia being bad? Why was Cecilia hurting her? All Charlotte did was talk to her.

Everything was starting to become blurry with her tears, she couldn’t feel her own limbs, but only one question remained in Charlotte’s mind:

Why did Cecilia lie?


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
5 Reviews

Points: 21
Reviews: 5

Donate
Wed Jun 19, 2024 5:10 pm
View Likes
One2Three wrote a review...



I guess this is what happens what you call stranger danger. I mean Cecilia could have been a human but she could have done worse to Charlotte. Kidnapped her, sold her, keep her as a slave etc.
This story teaches you to not trust suspicious people, even if they say they are your friends, it could all be facade to lure you in.
Good Job, especially with the length of the story. Hope your writing continues to improve.




User avatar
4338 Reviews

Points: 304157
Reviews: 4338

Donate
Tue Jun 18, 2024 9:22 am
View Likes
KateHardy wrote a review...



Image

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!


First Impression

Well this was a powerful little punch, there's no shortage of horrifying works I've seen from you but this one of the most powerful I think just based on the sheer innocence just being betrayed in the worst way possible. I think its a beautiful portrayal there.

Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;

Charlotte was a four year old girl, simply playing with a ball all by herself in her backyard. She threw it to the fence and caught it as it bounced back to her. It was a boring game, but no one else was around to play with her, so she had to make do with her resources.

Suddenly, she noticed a pale woman standing next to the trees. The woman had black eyes that seemed to twinkle sweetly and long, black hair draping her body.


Well this is quite the start here. I think you've done a good job establishing exactly what conditions Charlotte here is living in with the description in that first paragraph there. Very nicely done. A nice spooky entrance by someone there too.

Charlotte dropped the ball in awe. The woman seemed to exist only in blacks, grays, and whites, for there was no sign of color on her. Even her dress was in black and gray, a sharp contrast to blooming, vibrant flowers she stood next to.

Charlotte had never seen someone so colorless before. The woman looked like a ghost or a vampire. Something in between, Charlotte wasn’t sure.

The woman smiled at Charlotte, her black lipstick forming a friendly grin.


OOoh well given what story this happens to be related to I'm going to assume this is a vampire, maybe even one that we will recognize although that's not terribly certain. Certainly a fairly creepy little smile there.

Even though the woman didn’t have any colors, Charlotte still returned a toothy smile, for bad people never beamed.

“I’m sorry that I’m in your backyard, kid. I’m lonely, you see. Very lonely. All I need is one friend to hug. Would you like one?” The woman asked.

She spread her arms out in a comforting embrace. Charlotte looked back at her house.

No, her Mom and Dad were busy. They were still inside, minding their own business.


Well that doesn't sound like the greatest offer in the world there. Definitely has plenty of creepy vibes to it. Just that vibe of I'm very lonely and I'm about to do something a little terrible so that I won't be anymore.

She could talk to the woman a little longer.

“What’s your name?” Charlotte asked, turning to the woman.

“I’m Cecilia. What’s yours?” Cecilia asked softly. Her arms were still out in an embrace, as though she were expecting Charlotte’s hug.

“Charlotte. Do you pinky swear that you just want to be my friend?” Charlotte asked.


Oooh Cecilia, well this is just a little bit of a surprise to see her in full vampire mode, well this makes things quite interesting. She didn't appear to be bad from what we've seen of her before but let's see where this is going.

She didn’t think that Cecilia was bad, because she was smiling and answering her questions, but still, she wanted to be sure.

“I pinky swear.” Cecilia said.

She extended her pinky out for Charlotte to grasp. All she had to do was loop her pinky around Cecilia’s, and then they would hug.


Well this is quite the move. The legendary and incredibly powerful pinky swear that is being agreed upon here. Surely Cecilia isn't going to be so rude or cruel as to break one. Jokes aside this is really showcasing how young and not suspicious of things young Charlotte here happens to be.

Charlotte walked towards Cecilia, for a pinky swear was something that nobody was able to go back on. Once it was declared, it was set in stone.

Besides, Cecilia just wanted a friend. Bad people didn’t want friends. Bad people didn’t pinky swear. Bad people didn’t hug. Though Charlotte had never made friends with people in her backyard before, she was certain that Cecilia would be okay.

All Charlotte had to do was-


Well making friends from the backyard is definitely not something you're advised to do at all, and for some very good reasons too at that. This is setting itself up to be quite the devastating move here.

Cecilia wrapped her arms around Charlotte, grasping tight to the little girl.

What was she doing? Why wasn’t she letting go? Didn’t she pinky swear? Didn’t she PROMISE?

Charlotte felt needle-sharp teeth pierce the flesh of her neck. The leaves of the trees shaded them from the outside world, her parents were still inside.

Tears formed in her eyes. Why was Cecilia being bad? Why was Cecilia hurting her? All Charlotte did was talk to her.

Everything was starting to become blurry with her tears, she couldn’t feel her own limbs, but only one question remained in Charlotte’s mind:

Why did Cecilia lie?


Oh dear that escalated very quickly there. Cecilia breaking the promise so early before it was even sealed and just the sheer disappointment on the child's face as this goes down I think is very powerfully done. I think that's a very powerful ending really showing both the innocence and that horrible feeling of betrayal as it echoes through there.

Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!

Overall



As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!

Stay Safe and Have a Nice Day!
Kate
Image

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!


First Impression



Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;



Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!

Overall

Overall it was a really powerful piece here, you do a great job showcasing that naive innocence and the ruthless goal the entire way through until it just ends horrifyingly like that in an instant.

As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!

Stay Safe and Have a Nice Day!
Kate


Image




User avatar
74 Reviews

Points: 7432
Reviews: 74

Donate
Tue Jun 18, 2024 6:33 am
View Likes
WeepingWisteria wrote a review...



Hello, vampricone! Wist here is back for another review.

This work is relatively short compared to some of your others, but that does not stop it from packing a significant punch. Your use of childlike vocabulary adds to the effect of this story and is a nice touch. With that said, let's get into the story.

Even her dress was in black and gray, a sharp contrast to blooming, vibrant flowers she stood next to.

I love this description. It really paints a clear picture of Cecilia and shows her as something that has no place in this child's life. Good job!

The woman looked like a ghost or a vampire.

Oh, poor Charlotte. It's a shame you were all too right.

Bad people didn't want friends. Bad people didn't pinky swear. Bad people didn't hug.

Oh, this is breaking my heart. Charlotte is so trusting, but you know she is doomed to get eaten. Gut-wrenching.

Why was Cecilia being bad? Why was Cecilia hurting her? All Charlotte did was talk to her.

This is one of the saddest things I have read in a long time. Charlotte uses such innocent language while she is being devoured. This is so painful. You did a good job using a character's innocence to inflict as much pain as possible.

Overall, this short story broke me. I wish someone had saved Charlotte from her demise. Great job, Vampricone! Thanks for publishing; I enjoyed you tearing out my heart.

Happy Writing!
Wist





a little humanity makes all the difference
— Rosendorn