Snoink wrote:Gah... you have such a dry tone. Why can't you be angsty and overdramatic like everyone else?
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nice and smooth and yes, very dramatic. philosophical too. i like it!
Hmm. Interesting. I, personally, and very fond of a scattered rhyme scheme. However! Be aware (I'm sure you are, so now I'm just reminding) that when you break a line and rhyme the words and then end of the two new lines, you place added emphasis on the rhyme. When there is no formal rhyme scheme in a poem, and you rhyme two words--guess what! You place emphasis on those words. Be sure the emphasis is where you want it.
Still love it, Bob!
Love it bob!
I liked this. I can feel your emotion, but it needs better rhythme. Besides that it was good.
Beautiful
Just Beautiful
Hey are you Jesus Christ?
::bows::
I wrote it quite a long time ago; somehow, the lyrics got all over the internet. Weird how these things happen.
I liked this better, if only there was more emotions in it, which in turn made it easier to read. XD
It actually flows nicely too. There's just a couple of spots which are awkward.
and there is no escape,
because you always turn and fight too late.
The rhmying is rather... er... forced, isn't it?
And is it just me, or does this remind you of the lyrics of Pink Floyd?
Oh, and thanks.
Yes, quite right; I realised that I actually should've posted these in the Lyrics. Each two lines is actually really one line; the split between them comes in the middle of words, sometimes. If you read the meter as if it were every two lines as one, it makes a little more sense.
That's all
death. ends. pian.
very melodramatic. i enjoyed it noethe less.
So I think you captured the angsty and overdramatic thing. It's not unbearingly overdramatic, so that's good. The one thing that acts against you (and it acts against you in a bi way) is your very uneven rhyme scheme. The good thing is it isn't forced. The bad thing is it isn't organized, either. Throws off the flow quite a bit.
guess what?! I'm your first reply!!!!! That means I'm extremly cool and you know it.