Read it, hopefully understand it. Then comment.
You know the drill.
UN-
On the beach at Aberdaron there was a man
giving donkey rides to little children.
When the police came to take him away
they left his steed to wander aimlessly,
clopping down the rotten boardwalks 'till dark
and the tides came swirling around its hooves.
Try to find a half-buried, stoved-in skull
on the rocks below the churchyard,
washed clean of it's hard won sermon:
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140,555 Literary Works • 673,430 Reviews
I like this too. And, yeah, why the colon? Was that a typo or why is it there?
I like the message, the sermon if you may that this poem is telling.
And I agree with Gummy said about the hooves beating on the ground. I
think a little more detail might do this some good.
Good job! I really like it.
-- M.B.Author
I like this a lot, especially the first verse. the images I get from it are the quick judgment of the faceless authority and the abandonment of the animal (the innocent?). I like the pacing of it, also, the first and second lines have a great rhythm, and the last one as well. I thought the fourth line was maybe a little bit awkward, in the wording or the amount of syllables or something - but I could be off on that.
The only thing is that I almost had the feeling that the poem was unfinished. like it wanted somehow another line in the second verse. Maybe, maybe not. It works fine this way, but the meaning of the second verse might be clearer with another line, or two.
But I do think it's not necessary to end with a colon, a regular period would work just as well, in my mind, to illustrate the implied sermon.
Overall, like I said. I really like this. It's strong writing.
"Ay, the agony! That donkey's been gadding about forever now, asking how is he so good at poetry?!?!?"
ARGH!
I know it was something cheap like that. I don't like the last two lines of the first stanza. I want to hear the echoes of his hooves in my mind - I want them to scare me...just a bit. This is something that I think the poem needs to give off the right effect.
You have to write your own sermon, gummy
that's the message. Part of it, at least.
Colon. Why does it end in a colon?