This is what we back on the home forum call a remix: taking someone else's title or inspiration or opening line and turning it into something different. If you want the original, it's here. It's both fairly technical and fairly religious, which I thought would be a fun mix 
hope you like; I'm still figuring out whether I do.
HOW NOT TO MAKE A HUMAN
[Creator:\program\human\brain]
Champagne corks and matinées
for children: printing fantasies
of executing love - a fragile thing,
when errors make it L.U.S.T.
Garbage dump: Recycle Bins
and rebound fucks, embedded
in the code for life.
Your Father - Searching: term not found.
The manual reads back to front
or left to right: a hieroglyphic,
Chinese-whisper syntax out of joint,
compiling broken hardware in the dark;
the overheated warning system,
gasping out the crashed, untimely birth.
Round glasses on eternal eyes, pushed up
to rub the bridges of Your nose; invite
each spawned illegal soul to complicate,
and love the hacker and the virus both.
run/child.[home]
/run.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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140,555 Literary Works • 673,430 Reviews
very cool poem...it's rare that something like this flows, but it did. very well, i might add.
not quite sure what you were saying with it, though.
as for it being religious...i could say a lot of things, but i won't. this is about your poem.
and it was really good. keep writin', pal.
This was cool. I really liked this! Keep it up!
rhythm was great, the idea was sound, the word are a bit hard to understand if you dont know jack about computers... nice job overall... i agree, with whoever "How not to make a human" is too lengthy.
Wow Bob! Just wow... You manage to use technical terms so exellently. Capturing religion and life in a controversial and 21st Century work. You really have done a brilliant job. Especially with the use of mixing modern computer terms with english.
.
Overall: A masterpeice, I'd love to be studying this for school
Good luck
VSN
ooh, gosh, it's been a while since I saw this one. I still like the idea, though I'm not entirely sure whether the execution (execution... heh... geek humour) was quite right!
Cheers for you posties, y'all.
This one is probably the best line in your poem. I genuinely couldn't help but say it over and over!
Astounding yet again. 0.o
I fancy the movement of intricacy in here, almost deceiving you into a complex flow yet so simple in itself. If that won't do, then i guess I haven't found which else could be better than "Brilliant" or "Excellent", grudgingly in your case.
I lalalalove it. Damn you.
Publishing, here it comes!
Kudos!
<3 JACE
You should seriously get this published. I don't really like the last two lines in the first stanza. They just don't flow.
The last two lines (of the whole poem) are my favorite.
xanthan gum, I heard the rhythm, too (although I just read it in my mind).
It would be worth the publication, I think. ^_^ I enjoyed this in more than simply frivolous 'ah, that was fun'. It was thought well and as such, formed well. The intermingled metaphor with computer 'language' made it all the more pointed - kept the focus.
I just have to put in my two bits.
The original was good.
This is better.
"And love the hacker and the virus both." It's an amazing poem, Bob. I honestly can't think of any way you could improve upon it. The metaphors are brilliant.
This reminded me of some of David Bowie's lyrics. Don't know if that's a positive for you...
Good luck with publication, and I really look forward to reading your next piece!
Eh, the effect of trying to switch from a human point of view to a God's eye view kind of mode. Didn't work for you, I guess... that makes me sad.
Anyway, thanks for the comments, guys.
I don't really like the title, Bob, mostly because even if that's not how to make a human, that's how all humans are still made. Maybe use a computer term or something? Here's my suggestion: Genesis.
My major beef is that the rhythm just doesn't seem to flow, in my opinion. And the first two lines sort of rime, so for the rest of the piece, I felt like I needed it to rime... totally threw me off.
This is the only part of the piece that doesn't seem to fit. The entire piece is internal, in the brain, and then suddenly we are outside, looking upon physical features. You need to make the jump have a better transition.
I guess this entire poem to me feels... I don't know, forced? It seems very shallow, as if you had a good idea but you didn't care to truly pursue it. You only go skin deep. This is a bit harsh, but I guess I feel this just isn't some of your better work.
I don't know how helpful this is, but happy editing!
What? Didnt I comment on this already? Goodness, I thought I had. Anyway, I shall make up for the lapse with lavish praise, because seriously, this poem rocks. The combination of tech speak and poetry is intriguing and I, too, love the "term not found" line. Excellent rhythm also and the images are spot obn. Not easy when there's no "poetic" language, lol. Definitely one of my faves.
I really liked this! An intriguing concept, to mix technical speak with a religious idea, but it definitely works. Upon reading what you wrote prior to the poem, I was wondering if it would flow properly. After finishing it, however, I was surprised on how well it really did flow!
Great piece of work, and good luck with sending it for publication!
WOW.
I know I'm new here and all, but in all my years of reading poetry, that's probably one of the best I've ever read. Not saying much, as I'm only just getting the feel of double digits and such, but I think I can recognize a good poem when I read one.
All the other poems I've read that try and integrate technical lingo just come out flippant and boring; yours is a controversial topic and a captivating read. I adore the second stanza: "Your Father - Searching: term not found." Beautiful.
I love it because one of my friends mother's unfortunately wound up in a similar incident.
No comments.
Just praise.
So, I thought I'd bump this because I was considering sending it off for publication and was looking for a bit of response.
And to say that xanthan's my hero being so cool.
that's all.
wow. i loved the combination of technical speech and the poetry. this was absolutely beautiful, everything fit, i loved the rhythm (not obvious but you can hear it when you read it aloud) and it was full of rattling meaning. the ending was absolutely perfect, everything tied in and just....wow.
see, you get praise this time - but next time you write a poem this good, NOTHING! i hate not being mean.