Letters never sent, conversations that never happened, events that never had a chance to happen. Don't you love what ifs? Couldn't you live on them alone?
FORTUNE'S FOOL
She called me from a bedsit in London,
begging for child support or some love,
whatever I could spare: five minutes, I said.
We talked for hours about the weather,
self-published poetry and paperbacks,
dime-a-dozen comics from rundown shops,
the latest Turner Prize: edgy, she said,
very edgy.
What do you remember most? she asked. Sex,
I said, and doughnuts on the Brighton beach;
magicians on the streets of Slough, clowns,
the greasy frying smell of Reading Fair.
What do you remember? I asked.
.....Memories, she said.
We read Wordsworth like a body in the morgue;
silent hours with Auden, Dostoevsky,
carrying suspended conversations
to our doubled single beds: deep, useless.
I call her from a bedsit in Paris:
five minutes, I say, anything you've got.
For you -- she smiles -- all the time in the world.
She hangs up.
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Canary word: Present
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139,464 Literary Works • 672,570 Reviews
I feel that I should congratulate you
You've written one of the best poems I have read so far on this site
Congratulations
My favourite bit is definitely the contrast you have presented between the beginning and the end
Very smooth Mr Bob
i loved this. i had a big critique written out there but i just deleted it because none of it really mattered. all that matters is, this is a very beautiful poem.
I can't speak. My throat is blocked. Tears in my eyes. Seriously. And I am a guy.
Best poem on this site. Ever.
So what's your secret?
PM me because I NEED TIPS!
EDIT: duh, brain slow - it should be "child support or some love" - damn typos.
Much obliged for the comments, folks, thanks for all the positive and constructive feedback
I back "child support" edit.
Smiles are in voices, and I personally love it enough the way it is.
I agree with Cameron about the "child support" thing.
I suppose this poem is pretty straightforward, and I enjoyed reading it. One thing that wasn't so great (this is more personal taste than a poetry do-and-don't) were the references...Turner Prize, Reading Fair, Wordsworth, etc. Even the locations - London and Paris (screams: A Tale of Two Cities! I'm okay now) make it seem rather pretentious. As I said, there's nothing wrong with that in poetry; in fact, it's fashionable to do that now.
And this poem, of course, isn't like some really annoying modern poetry in that it doesn't reference really obscure highly intellectual things. This poem was very accessible and a good read; I personally dislike the tone that carries over with the references.
How does the speaker know that she smiles? Does he guess that she's smiling, or is some sort of omniscient narrator suddenly introduced? It's hard for a reader to accept that she's smiling if the speaker's knowledge is questionable, I suppose.
The tenses also switch for the last two stanzas. As you are a very good poet, I realize that this was intentional. Is the present tense intended to make it seem more sudden - that "thump" you mentioned in your response to Liz? I tried reading it in past tense; I do think the ending is much more effective your way. Good job.
Colleen
I agree with Skriek with regards to this:
Perhaps "begging for child support in place of love, or simply, ...child support or some love." Really it's up to you, but I do agree that it needs to be fixed. Great piece,
Cameron
Aha. Oh Bob, you never disappoint. This is a fantastic piece. It is beautiful because its personal -- and I can't relate. There's something romantic and untouchable about it, all of your poetry.
One part that made me grind my teeth and and go "ugh, no" -- line two. "...begging for child support of some love, whatever I could spare..."
Firstly, "child support of some love" doesn't make any sense (at least in my mind.) It is bulky and distracting and makes the reader go "What?" -- a strident note in a wholly melodic poem. Certainly you can find something better to put in there.
Please, change it.
Lyndsey
Cheers guys!
Liz - I think I want to keep the ending as it is (impact is good, I reckon) but I think you're right about how it cuts off. What I think I'd like to do is stick in several more verses in each half of the poem, mirroring one another as the existing ones do. That way everything would build up more slowly and wind down more slowly, but still end with that quick, final 'thump' like I want it to.
Thanks again for your input, much appreciated
Great work, I really enjoyed this. I especially love the way you pinpoint specific events and seemingly unimportant experiences to make them important to the reader. The dialogue also works well. i thought the ending was maybe a bit out of sync with the rest of the poem, maybe too abrupt, though I can see that's the purpose. But I think it breaks down a lot of what you've so beautifully built up. Maybe go for something with more impact.
It's a beautiful poem. I can't really suggest much for it, just point out some bits that I really liked.
I enjoyed this part the most, I think that this sort of dialogue adds a lot to the poem. The "Brighton Beach" and "Streets of Slough" are nice choices, the alliteration works well.
I found the ending sad, but then I guess thats reality for you. It reads very well, creates a surreal picture. Lovely piece.