Don't shout at me, I'm only here for a few minutes!
Have fun; here's my contribution for the day/week/until I'm back. Loads of good stuff going on around here.
GAMBLING IN PARIS
Statistically,
you're more likely to meet God on a dark night
by the river
than you are to fall in love.
Tonight by the Seine, we evened up the odds.
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Canary word: Present
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140,555 Literary Works • 673,430 Reviews
I like the title of your poem "Gambling in Paris" the title and the poem it's self seems to radiate something unique
Bob! This was...delicious. The flow was amazing, the last line was awesome.
I think MetalHead's way to write this is good. I think the last line should be made into two after 'Seine,'.
what does that have to do with gambling?
Otherwise, very good. Why Paris?
Sorry I don't live up to your standards, Brad
few of us do, I think.
The idea was to make the first section choppy, slightly awkward and prosaic; it is, after all, the 'soulless' section of the poem. Perhaps that's why you don't like it.
The last line was an attempt at a little more... beautiful wording. I may have failed there. It happens.
Anyway, thank you all for your comments; I'm beholden to you for your efforts on my behalf
I love internet cafes! I'll be back home in a week and a bit. It's been great in Canada, I must say.
I rather liked it as it was - preference-wise. The flow was - I thought - an almost picaresque balance between poetry and prose.
But I do like blurring the lines; and I'm not specifically a poet.
I enjoyed it - and changing to the more even flow (MH's preference) seemed to kill its point - no punch that way.
IMP
Hey bob,
Surely this piece should be a great success here for the rose garden soppy love devotees legion.
Among us urban dwellers, however, this is in need of repair. Above all, the prosy tone which continually sent it into doggereled navel-gazing whenever a note of lyric nature had struck, borders on effusive dross.
I think Paris still lacks its poet. At the moment we have here an interesting example of the difference between prose and poetry and why (if anybody cared) they rarely meld.
All the best,
Brad
I agree with MH. Your wording was awkward, and his is less so. If you aren't to apply it, at least consider changing it somewhat. By the way -
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
(yes, I yelled at you.) =]
Nice.
And although I don't know much about poetry, I'd write it like this:
Statistically,
you're more likely to meet God
on a dark night by the river
than you are to fall in love
But tonight by the Seine, we evened up the odds