MAGIC
The magician drinks quietly alone
at the back of the bar.
He does not hate them all,
but in his bones he is tired of favors,
tired of seeing his hands sleight away their troubles.
There is no magic for arthritic joints,
the doctor says gently;
the pack is winding down,
cards falling like rain from nerveless fingers -
nine of swords, three of swords, the black man, chariot.
The wand-user is nowhere to be seen.
In a starstrewn cloak under cloudy skies,
he learns to be Simon.
On his knees before God
the man says not, "give me this power" but
"pray for me, Lord, let nothing happen to me."
Death is a prophecy we all can read,
true, swift and comforting.
Let this cup pass from me,
into the darkness behind the mirror,
the space behind the spell where all great men can hide.
The trick is complete, Lord: let me rest.
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You weave a better magic than such a sinner deserves, as usual; thank you for your help, I shall put it to use.
Bob -
I am late to arrive to this piece, though I hope you still find my sleight of pen helpful.
Best,
Brad
Edit: After going to sleep last night, I kept thinking of this and how uncomfortable I am with the line breaks. Let me suggest a tercet form.
Magic
At the back of the bar, the magician drinks alone;
he doesn’t hate them, but in his bones he is tired
of the favors, of seeing his hands sleight away
their troubles. There is no magic for arthritic joints,
the doctor says gently, and the pack is winding down:
cards falling like rain from nerveless fingers—a nine of swords,
three of hearts, the black man, a chariot. In an old starstrewn
cloak, he learns to be Simon. On his knees before God
the man says not, "give me this power" but "pray for me, Lord,
let nothing happen tonight. Death is a prophecy we all can read,
true, swift and comforting. Let this cup pass from me into the darkness
behind the mirror, the space behind the spell where all great men hide.
When the trick is complete, Lord, let me rest."
I think "falling like rain" is too trite for a piece like this, and I suggest you lose "like rain."
"the darkness / behind the mirror, the space behind the spell where all great men hide," there is real magic in this if you will tease it clear of a few words that read deeper than they are. Are you sure you want "great" men, for instance?
Lastly, I would close the quote after "pray for me, Lord"; the rest would perhaps better serve as pained, private musing than as prayer. "let this cup pass" is, I think, also too lordly for the poem.
OK--one last nit: is the magician asking the Lord to pray for him, or is he praying directly to the Lord? You might want to cut "for me".
I enjoyed considering this!
Brad
My first thought, sans consciousness was: the resignation of a saint.
I don't know that that's anything at all. I enjoyed it, as it made me think; I enjoyed it for the symbols/images - magic to picture Simon, or some such person in/as.
I wanted to critique this before I ran out of time. I'm too tired, I think, to do it usefully or smoothly.
'Wand-user' seemed slightly odd. 'Wand-waver' however, though smoother, seems more trite.
Putting life in context of a magicians trick, with a man perceived as the magician with the wand-user really behind him felt well-tied to the final line.
Now I know I'm useless. Thanks all the same, for the lovely poetry, bob.
IMP
It's odd... I'm tired tonight, and don't remember clicking on your poem. I was looking at a different one I had critiqued earlier, to see if changes had been made, and all of a sudden I was here.
I'm very glad I clicked on it, however. I'm afraid I don't have much in the way of criticism, except to add that I, too, felt more allusion to Jesus than to Simon (although comparisons can be made between the two), but other than that, I thought this was perfect. It was interesting how you switched from third person to first in the second stanza, using quotes for the first part and then continuing them through the narrator's voice. At first I was going to criticize it, but the more I read it, the more I liked it.
Very good job. I approve.
This is very creative and I can tell you put much work into it. I'm a lover of everything magic so I could really relate to the words you used and the descriptions. You used nice line structure and your grammar was great. I also loved the analogies. Great job.
Keep at it!
-Rieda
SNAP! I like this. It has that mystical shivers-up-spine but really-intriguing kind of feel.
Hehe, I used to be in a magic club in middle school - our advisor was a science teacher who had previously worked with magicians (and held the record for breaking out of a straitjacket when he was sixteen or something). I always liked stage magic more, though. We had a big stage show at the end of the year. Sleight-of-hand is hard, especially when you're a thirteen-year-old girl and your hands are too small to effectively palm a card. >.<
Anyway, silly anecdote over. I've just always been fascinated by magic.
Is the bar where he performs, then? I never really thought of magicians being in bars, unless of course he's some sort of metaphorical magician. It actually kind of made me think of Billy Joel's "Piano Man."
I really like that "in his bones" part.
"Wand-user" is a really awkward word.
After "read" I feel a colon or semi-colon would be more appropriate.
"The trick is complete, Lord. Let me rest."
I think that would look better and put more emphasis on the last phrase.
The whole last stanza feels...much different from the first. The second feels disjointed, in a way, as though I couldn't really completely connect each sentence with the next. It's not that the flow is strange in terms of sound, but it felt like there was a little knot missing in there.
It feels like this one is saying too much in a short space. What cup? What mirror? I know, they're magic props, but they're so suddenly introduced, and then the scope is just as suddenly widened with "Great men hide in the space behind spells!" It seemed a little abrupt and out of place.
I'd also like to see a better connection between the two stanzas. The first is about this magician fellow, whose magic isn't quite so magical anymore. The second is...well, it actually seems like it's saying a lot. Either way, there's not much of a connection. Setting #1: Sad old magician in a bar. Setting #2: Under starry skies, then abstract things. I'd like to see more mention of the magician in the second stanza, and maybe a return to the bar scene, or a reference to his failing joints. I mean, yes, there's death and everything, the trick is over, but I still didn't feel a strong connection there. I guess what I'm trying to say is, it's a long way to go from "The magician drinks quietly alone/at the back of the bar..." to "...where all great men can hide./The trick is complete, Lord: let me rest." Hmm.
Great work!
Colleen
I hate how the fourth word of this poem is quietly, which is your typical droll adverb. I feel you could reword this, if only slightly, and make it more inviting, if not more powerful.
Loving it, loving it ...
Could you say "a nine and three of swords"? I know how it goes in card readings, I've had them done, but for summary's sake?
You made a huge transition here. Back of the bar..now we're outside...
I loved this. Please don't be offended, but by relating the magician to a Jesus-like character (not exactly Simon-centered, sorry, I definitely felt a strong influence on Christ's story), are you implying the magician's situation is like the Messiah's? Or are you implying that Jesus is like a magician? I'm unsure as to which way this message is go, but either way, it is excellent.