Young Writers Society

Thanks sab - I also owe you an indepth critique that you asked for, of which I have about half writte. I wanted to give it a good going over, but I'm afraid I've struggled slightly. I will get to it promise.

This is EXCELLENT. Love the imagery and theme. The idea was GREAT and I must say, HILARIOUS. Somebody had to do it eventually, and since you did it, you get the cookie!

*send cookie via email*

I'll be back with a full, real critique later.

That's cool; you rock either way.

And I was finally worthy of a critique from Brad! Truly I have made it...

Anyway thanks to everyone for your input; it will be well implemented (I hope).

I was in a rush . I see the symbology now. However, I still maintain that while the correlation there is evident, that stanza's parallel with love is abstract, where as the others are more palpable. I think that's why it stood out as "unbelonging"--because with the rest of poem the love factor is discernible right from the surface. Anyways, having said that, I do not believe that it is a major detriment to the poem's overall quality and is not in dire need of removing. Cheers,

Cameron

It's connected all the way through, you just have to look a little deeper it's there, believe me; I wrote it first with love in mind, then war.

I like this. The only problem I have is with this:

Do you understand your heroism?
That need for glory burning in your gut
like fire, incense and tracer bullets
unfolding bizarrely against your ribs
and driving you onward, onward, higher
till the rockets leave you shell-shocked and cold,
flat on your back amidst the mud and rain.

backgroundbob--


I'm impressed. Overall this is fine work in concept and execution.

But.

I feel that you have many instances of clumsiness--for instance, the first line. The title already gives this bit away--to what end does it work, other than to offset the reader? S4 is also unworthy of revision; cut it out and work from there.

Reconsider replacing the very forced directness of "I" and "you" to perhaps "I" and "she", or the like. With "you," the poem reads more like a lecture than a loveletter.

If by the end of the poem a reader has not drawn the conclusion that this has relation to war&loveletters, it won't be your fault.


Best,
Brad

I didn't get that bit either, when I read it for the first time, but now I understand it.

Thanks

RR*

When soldiers in WW2 sent letters back to their families, they didn't always have much room to write, so they used abbreviations that became common; "S.W.A.L.K." was one such, standing for "Sealed With A Loving Kiss", obviously, though myth has it it originated with "Soldiers Will Always Love The King".

Either way, it's the war/letter/love connection that runs through the whole poem.

Thanks for your comment!

I liked it, didnt grasp it in its entirety methinks but yeah, I liked it. Not entirely helpful I know.

Sealed With A Loving Kiss

That confused the hell outta me, what with the mixture of italics and nomral letters that had no added effect I could see, other then provoking a murderous confusion.