Indeed, too long. I'm out of practice, I'm afraid, so apologies for the many problems you'll probably find with this one.
[pre]LEAVING HOME
This is where the cordon ends:
the gates are down, the open space
is spreading out across the streets,
the buildings lie in spent disgrace.
This is why our questions ache:
we take the risk, we breathe the thoughts
that spread like dust through eyes and ears
and settle in our brain and lungs.
This is how we crashed the car:
we left the road, we blurred the lines
and shifting up from gear to gear
we raced your gods across the sky
past heaven, through the pearly gates,
past aged Peter in his chair;
past Michael with his saxophone,
past Jesus and his dead-eyed stare.
This is where the doorways stop:
the boxed-in thoughts, the dogma queue
with bouncers all in coloured robes
on undermanding mind-control.
This is why you burnt the books:
you crossed yourself, your conscience wracked
with television interludes,
you took your car and left the facts
in no-man's land, beyond the pale;
on Nietzsche's chessboard, rife with lies;
on river beds, in concrete shoes;
encoded in a lover's smile.
This is why we took the step:
the hidden path, the Holy Ghost
erasing footsteps in the snow
his breath like forced forgetfulness
all hanging frozen in the air,
encasing men in dreamless sleep
but we?
we dreamt of being there,
and when we woke its silver thread
was leading back, and taught us how
to take one step beyond the plan:
we walked the way behind the worlds
and softly, sailing ships of reeds,
we left the Lord's familiar strands.[/pre]
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139,468 Literary Works • 672,573 Reviews
Okay, so I re-read it, and I found a few silly problemas that are pixel-sized:
"wracked"
This doesn't fit here. "wracked" is more of an informal, sort of "messy"--and it does not match concsience
"to take one step beyond the plan:"
Does this mean: to be ahead of everybody else, or to be above everbody else, or what? It breaks the flow, sort of.
It's still amazing though. So congrats. Again.
Cheers m'dears, you make an old hack happy. Perhaps I'll be able to redraft upon your instruction
I have very mixed feelings about this poem.
My initial reaction was wow. Whether it was a certain familiarity with poems I am accustomed to reading or I really was wowed is complex. A combination of the two is probably sufficient.
Then with a second and third reading, I felt that it was old-fashioned and wrong. The message for me was buried beneath a muck of imagery. Great imagery but too much for this poem. I especially felt this with your 'ramble' on pearly gates, Peter, etc. I bit overdone.
Then, I felt you were trying too hard almost. Or maybe not hard enough. What I mean is the poem sounded like a mockery of poems of yester year. And, I don't mean that you were being satirical or comedic but that you were fashioning your poetry upon others.
It is my understanding and reasoning that young writers have trouble finding their own voice. I include myself in this as well. Because, we first become attracted to poetry, or rather literature, from reading others. And, we get a certain style of poetry embossed on our skull. It is difficult to tear through that.
My apologies if this makes no sense or if I rambled incoherently. You are undoubtedly gifted. Keep working.
Ahhhhhh...............
This was so... astounding. Your magnum opus. It's so full of life, so crisp and yet so familiar.
I loved the rhythm. It really added so much and brought so much more oganization into this piece that, without it, this would have just been another ramble.
As usual, you're ironic, mocking, and sharp:
"past heaven, through the pearly gates,
past aged Peter in his chair;
past Michael with his saxophone,
past Jesus and his dead-eyed stare."
And the imagery-ah!-the imagery is your best. "racing gods across the sky", "erasing footsteps in the snow". Beautiful.
I liked this one most of all. This would be studied years from now. Save it; staple it to the wall; put it in your pocket; memorize it. It's amazing.
Congrats.
The ending, though, wasn't as good. The rhythm was still rolling on my tongue, and the wall it hit in the end really felt like a downward plunge. I think you need to add more and make the ending more bolded and more full, but still make it subtle enough to qualify. This is just too subtle, the rhythm is still continuing.
Hope I helped!
I normally don't read this type of poetry, but actually i liked it. It flowed well and it had meaning. my favorite line was this one right here.
Keep Writing!
Your very talented!
All right, I'm going to take a guess. There were a lot of lines I tried too swallow but I ended up licking them and putting them back on the rack. So, is this about leaving behind orthodox Christianity or becoming aethist altogether? Alright, I know I might have totally missed the mark.
I have to commend you at least for the awesome way the whole thing rolled of my tongue, dangerously almost because the last four verses seemed to loose stamina. I would think it was because of the words used and the deeper form of imagery but my inferences are amateur.
Content was wonderful...as far as I could make out. I caught little glints of genius but didn't know what I was looking at. Like verse 2 line 4-
"with bouncers all in coloured robes on undermanding mind-control."
And verse 3 line 4-
"his breath like forced forgetfulness"
I think you meant "undemanding mind-control" in the first quote and i thought i saw a connection between the two. But i might as well just be satisfied reading it.
Well, great job. And i hope you post more often. Oh wait a sec....this is in narrative...so...well..............i'll just go along with my interpretation.