Hey, guys: I know it's been a while since I wrote anything. I don't know, it's just kind of hard to get motivation for it, somehow - when I look over pieces I've written, there's mostly just this "argh, why do I bother?!" feeling. So I've been trying to get past that a little, I guess. Anyway.
CANTILEVER
Life is the place you swing, not looking down,
the earth god's mechanical suspenders,
wrist thick threads on the worldloom's warp and weft.
Love is the music you find in traffic,
our clarion call to the likeminded;
when we fall, we fall together in style -
together they'll hang us high, pretty girl,
and ne'er will wind nor waves nor sky unbolt our lips.
I feel in you the steel spider strands of mercy,
tension and stability in perfect balance;
teach me to spin cables, dangerous girl,
teach me to weave dreamcatchers for skyscraping dreams.
Even when life is a dirty street,
Monday morning on twelves lanes of car fumes
still lift me as only indelicate steel can;
so slender is the span before we're gone
but still you tower through and through my sight.
Bridge the space between romance and reality;
..........lever and firm ground
..........from which I move the world.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
I agree, this is really beautiful. I don't have anything for you to improve - Cicero and Shriek touched on anything I might've considered. I also really like the character in the narrative. Not only have you written a poem, but you've characterised a person better than some stories and novels can do. This was brilliant. Congratulations.
I love this, Beauty and elegance carved from concrete and suspended by lace strings of steel cable. Poetic words wrought of iron.
Sorry if I can't offer much critical advice but your poem made me glad that I have decided to start posting on here again.
Thanks guys, I'll try and work in all suggestions in when I'm redrafting, they've been really helpful.
Cic - the last bit was a reference to the famous Archimedes quote, "Give me a place to stand and with a lever I will move the whole world." Obviously he was talking early mathematics, but it seemed to apply to the subject matter at hand, too
Cheers!
Bob - This is a beautiful poem, it just needs some clarifying and tightening. Here are my suggestions:
Your train of thought is a bit difficult to follow, and the tense changing is confusing. What about:
"Life is the place you swing, and don't look down
at the earth god's mechanical suspenders -
wrist thick threads on the worldloom's warp and weft."
Could you put a hyphen after traffic instead of a comma?
How about a "you" before "still lift me." By adding that, the reader can find the subject in your rather long thoughts easier.
I'd say lose the last bit (italicised) completely. It doesn't add anything, and I think the ending of the second stanza is stronger. GREAT job! You are a master of words!
Happy revising!
Bob:
Wow.
This is gorgeous. Not in the way of flowery words and images, really, but in the power behind your words, and the insight your images provide. I am very much impressed.
It would be cool to meet this "dangerous girl," I think I would feel many of the same emotions the poet talks about: awe, excitement, a yearning to live the way she lives, feed off of her.
I very much liked these lines:
"together they'll hang us high, pretty girl, / and ne'er will wind nor waves nor sky unbolt our lips."
and this
"teach me to weave dreamcatchers for skyscraping dreams."
But as we all know, one or two great lines don't make a poem. The writing in its entirety has to be solid, and indeed, this was.
Oh, one nitpick here:
"Monday morning on twelves lanes..."
Would that just be "twelve"?
Anyhow, nice work. I hope you will continue to write. It is difficult, especially for those of us perfectionists, but it is always worthwhile.