Something is bright- it is the sun,
Playing in the sun is so much fun.
But when it gives off excess heat,
People get tired and they long for a seat.
In the heat when people love to rest,
A trip to the beach is the best.
But when it sinks- out comes the moon,
The light is dimming, it'll probably be soon.
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139,852 Literary Works • 672,777 Reviews
Hello, anshira.
I like this poem. I love the rhyme and the wording in the poem.
My favorite lines are
I don't know why, I just love that part.
Anyways, I see no errors in this poem that I know of.
Keep up the good work! ~
- K
Thank you
nice very nice,keep the good work
Thanks
Hey, Runawaylove here to review your poem!
First of all this poem shows that you are a writer with a lot of potential. This poem is ofcourse simple, but it is good and makes perfect sense. I like your use of punctuation. I like how you rhymed the lines. I love poems that rhyme.
Now, I also prefer a little lengthy. This poem could be divided into stanzas and this whole poem could be a paragraph of it. Sometimes, rhymes make the poem a little forced, too simple or maybe too complicated. Try to avoid doing that. Also, make your poems descriptive and try to put as much details and imagery as possible. As this is a very relatable subject you could work more on it.
This poem is just adorable because of its length and simple language. You can do way better if you try. Keep writing!
Thanks, I will try to improve on what you said. XD
Some cute rhymes you have here. Its not very scientific but I am sure your class enjoyed it very much.
This line is very true.I think you could have done a better job with that line, i know its for the sake of rhyming, but if you give it an extra thought you could do something more magical with it.
Overall good use of punctuation. You are consistent in rhyming, so i say job well done. I think you could write more poems on the sun and try and use imagery and metaphors as well. This is very cute and straight forward but you can explore your potential with more complex words in the future.
Good job and keep at it.
Thanks for your feedback.
Finally, a simple poem that makes sense. I have to correct you on this part, the last line should not have a comma, I think. Where it says "But when it gives off excess heat" doesn't sound very poetry-ish, to me. Still, keep writing!
Thanks
I liked the rhyming; something that many young poets do not do. I also neither have the capability nor the intent of framing my poems with the rhyming in mind. Somehow, I find it difficult to do.
The last line undoubtedly, is my favourite of the piece.
The overall effect of the poem is good. Having said that, the poem can be lengthened especially when you are writing about something as obvious as the Sun and the light.
Keep it up and in future try to be more adventurous in your though process and subject matter.
Hope this helps.
Thanks, I will try to benefit from your review
JC here
I like how you made everything rhyme, I would love too see you break out of the rhyming schemes though.
I am a free poet often times do I write with no restrictions other than spelling
My favorite part of your poem is the ending lines
But when it sinks- out comes the moon,
The light is dimming, it'll probably be soon.
I like how the moon is portrayed here, even though its a poem about the sun.
Keep it up and I will be following you in your poetic journeys
JC
Thanks for reviewing my work. Will try to follow your advice.