Eating - The Hidden Fatal Side

I love this! It's not about love, or loss, or depression, or anything deep. It's just about a proper diet! It's well-written, informational, and it rhymes beautifully. Honestly, I've never seen anything this cool, and I just want to give you a huge hug! I would not dare say anything bad about this poem, even if I could find anything wrong. Please make more poems like this. Please?

Heggo! XD

I thought I would review this piece...

Not what I was expecting!!!!!

'Carbohydrates give you energy to live,

But if overconsumed illness it can give.' - I love the way you have rhymed this all off together nicely and it was strangely informative.

If only my biology lessons would have been like this in high school.

One criticism:

'Orelse' - SPACE!!! XD

Keep writing

~BSF

Hi there! I like the subject of this poem - it's not a very common one, and I think you did well with it! Just a couple suggestions for you -

In a couple places, it doesn't flow very well. E.g.

"You would be crazy to take in too much fat,

But also regret later- that I bet. "

Consider rewording this. My example:

"You would be crazy to take too much fat,
But also regret later - yes, I bet that."

I'm sure you could come up with something better.
~

"Eating less fat is also bad,

You would look not properly fed."

This sounds somewhat awkward, which could be solved by making it rhyme.
~
"Vitamins and minerals helps keep you well,

Less iron leads to anemia- doesn't that ring a bell?"

It should be "help keep", as you're talking about a plural noun. You may want to reword the second line - it's a bit of a mouthful.
~

"Carbohydrates give you energy to live,
But if overconsumed illness it can give."

Like Fiend said, this seems a bit forced. Here's my suggestion -

"Carbohydrates give you energy to live,
But illness, if overconsumed, it can give."
~

"Food is such a thing- eating less is as dangerous as more,

Not eating correctly can leave you unhealthy and sore."

This also is a bit choppy. Maybe reword the first line:
"Food? Eating less is as dangerous as more,
Not eating correctly can leave you quite sore."
~
You don't have to take my suggestions, but I hope you find 'em useful! Thanks for writing!

Just a couple of points,
"Orelse you might end up with cold feet." You have an adventuous compound word here!
The rhyme "Carbohydrates give you energy to live, But if overconsumed illness it can give." seems forced, so you may wish to change this. apart from these, well done, you have summerised the entire GCSE catering nutrition module in a poem!
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!

hey there anshira
so your poem is so great , it's deferent , interesting and unique .
the idea of your work is not usual , and that's why i like it , and the title is very attractive .

''Be very careful about what you eat,

Orelse you might end up with cold feet.

Dangerous is eating too much food,

But eating less is also of no good.

for me this beginning works better as a conclusion , i think that the starting should include a general idea about food , then details like you did ( proteins , vitamins ....) , and then a conclusion telling that weshould be careful about our meals and that we should care about quality not quantity ...

from another side i found every part of the poem so rhymy and catchy so good job .

my favourite part is :

''Vitamins and minerals helps keep you well,

Less iron leads to anemia- doesn't that ring a bell? ''

so keep writing .

smile

Hey anshira, I really like this poem! Is light-hearted, whimsical, fun to read and most of all it carries a very important message across to all of us! You should seriously publish this on a health magazine or something, is awesome! So, let's get down to reviewing.

Be very careful about what you eat,

Orelse you might end up with cold feet

Vitamins and minerals helps keep you well,