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First Sight Love.

by anshira


In the form of a person,

You receive your greatest gift.

As soon as you set your eyes upon him,

Gives your life a sudden lift.

Love and excitement bubble out,

Not forgetting your greatest joy.

Suddenly you know you like him,

But not just as another boy.

You grow up all of a sudden,

And are no longer a child.

Childhood silliness quite forgotton,

And like before are not that wild.

Every moment you think of him,

Every minute of every day.

Compared to your heart now,

Your brain hardly has a say.

Longing for him is all you do,

Every day and every night.

This will be the condition of you,

Right from that very first sight.


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Mon Oct 19, 2015 2:41 am
Spongebobgirl9 wrote a review...



Hi, Anshira!
First off, Your poem truly captures first sight love. The emotion behind the poem is relatable. It brings back memories for the reader reading your poem, which is a good thing. I really liked the lines " Compared to your heart now, Your brain hardly has a say." That says so much without going into great detail. One comment of constructive criticism is that you misspelled forgotten but people make mistakes. I liked your rhythm of rhyming. I liked the pacing of the poem as well.




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Sun Nov 09, 2014 6:51 pm
gv7233 says...



I love this piece of poem. This is fantastic. However, there was a misspelled word which was the word "forgotton" supposed to be "forgotten". But it's understandable. Everybody makes mistakes.

I also love the excitement that the poem sounds. It sounds, as if the person talking on the poem seems very happy with its life and very thankful for whatever comes or happens to itself. I also liked the beginning of the poem. It caught my attention. Great hook.

Overall, it was a great poem. Keep up the great work!




anshira says...


Thanks.



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Fri Jul 04, 2014 6:16 am
Anabelle wrote a review...



Hello, anshira!

I really enjoyed reading your poem and how it explored the feelings of love. I think about love quite often and the many emotions that are tacked onto it. You captured those very well in this poem.

My only critique would be to not always feel like you have to have your poems rhyme. I don't know if you always do that or occasionally, but it can sometimes come across as a little silly when the reader can tell that the writer picked certain words that don't actually flow just so the words will rhyme.

Other than that, this was a great poem and I have no further criticisms. Keep doing what you're doing.

XOXO
Anabelle




anshira says...


Thanks



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Fri May 23, 2014 6:56 pm
apyrus1234 says...



its good




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Fri May 23, 2014 6:56 pm
apyrus1234 says...



nice i like it




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Wed Apr 23, 2014 3:50 pm
ab2heaven wrote a review...



hey....its a good poem there!! U did try to bring the aspects of relationships! and all of them are very true! But i got confused with rhyming pattern.Every poem should have a sequential order! Well the line "Your brain hardly has a say" is soo very true.When you fall in love, your heads all a mess! Well, good job! Keep writing!




anshira says...


Thanks



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Wed Apr 23, 2014 3:30 pm
Deanie wrote a review...



Heya Anshira!

This was a nice little love poem. You did stretch it a bit, and mentioned some other key points as well when it comes to a relationship - which is growing up and noticing when things are serious. And you managed to use simple words to describe such a lovely feeling. I like it <3

What I would propose to add here is stanzas so we can see the transition from talking about budding love, to growing up because of it, and then of course, the mature love that she is talking about at the end. The difference there would be nice to see in the form of stanzas in my opinion, so it would be good to separate them out.

The rhyme here was done well, and it didn't sound very forced either. At some points it was a bit random because sometimes the rhyme went 1,2,1,2 and at other times it switched to 1,1,2,2 and it was a bit confusing. If you are going to use the rhyme I suggest that you stay consistent in it just to make the form balance out some more :)

Also, as I mentioned I found the rhyme good, but constricting. Love is such a big topic, and I felt like you could delve into each of the three points you made a bit more. This might mean thinking through the rhyming scheme some more and changing it, or it could just mean dropping it all together. Either way, with a few more descriptive and detailed words you could double up the emotion and explain the difference between the budding and matured love a lot more.

Also, I could really seem some poetic techniques like alliteration or metaphors fitting in so smoothly here. Maybe you should check them out and see if you want to add them anywhere. ;)

Deanie x




anshira says...


Thank you



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Mon Apr 07, 2014 8:55 am
TheShauzer wrote a review...



Hi anshira :) Shauzer here reviewing,
I liked this piece, for the most part. Although there were parts that didn't fit quite well, you used a few really nice phrases and it evened out. It wasn't great, to be honest, but it was good. And that's why we're here! To get you great :D
My favourite part was when you said

'Compared to your heart now, your brain hardly has a say.'

I thought this was lovely writing and a great thing to put in, this is one of the aforementioned phrases I really liked! I think first off you should use more of these, get creative with your work, all your work, do the best you can with every single word. There's no reason the poem should be worse in some parts than others, and one part I really didn't like was when you said

'Childhood silliness quite forgotten,

And like before are not that wild.'

I didn't like this because it didn't go well, you weren't clear with what you said on the second line, it just put a damper in things. There were a few small similar occurrences, but this is definitely the one that stuck out the most.
I won't go through all of them, because some are probably just personal preferences, but do look back over it. The best advice I could give you is to read through the whole thing twice or thrice and try your best to take out the things that just don't sound right. Replace them with lines from the very darkest pits of your imagination! Its your poem, don't try to fit it to what others might consider good. Write what you want to write, use your imagination. I know I'm saying that a lot but it's something I can't stress enough, poetry has to come from the heart. Only then will it be worthy of the title 'great'.
Keep writing, I did like this poem but try reading back over it - because some things don't sound right - and using your imagination and your heart more next time. Poetry should flow, it should be effortless and have a strong impact at the same time. Relax, and just let it come to you.

Hoping my review helped,
Yours in ink,
TS.




anshira says...


Thank you



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Mon Apr 07, 2014 8:46 am
abbams1 says...



very nice work, with concise lexicon .




anshira says...


Thank you very much.



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Mon Apr 07, 2014 8:40 am
Zolen wrote a review...



#FF0000 ">Zolen Poetry Check List of things that should probably be commented on, that I made so I don't forget tm

Emotion:
Not feeling much, there is this sense of halting phrases that keep bumping my back before I find the flow.

Examples:

As soon as you set you set your eyes upon him

I feel something stopping me

You grow up all of a sudden,
And are no longer a child.

there as well

quite forgotton

then there


Not sure how to phrase why but I feel it sort of stop and go around those points

How hard are those emotions thrown at the reader:
Modernly, like it was a fresh thought and experience as you wrote it.

Closing and opening premise:

In the form of a person,

You receive your greatest gift.


This will be the condition of you,

Right from that very first sight.


Goal:

Dramatic, Review

Not really, Yes


Closing Statement

As soon as you set you set your eyes upon him,

Got distracted?


Also I can see a tempo, which is sadly less than common place for some reason. So awesome for that.

I hope I helped.




anshira says...


You sure did. Thank you.




I communicate much better on paper than I do when I open my mouth.
— Aaron Sorkin