Review Day Starts in 23 hours Info

Dear Diary

by anshira

Published January 7, 2017

E - Everyone

In My Poems

PreviousNext

Faded ink,

on the pages.

Folded corners.

Pages turning,

as always,

of the same old book.

*

Crazy this,

memories,

kept alive.

Every moment,

recorded perfectly.

One's very existence in words.

*

A slight smile.

A trip down,

memory lane.

Remembrance,

of what was.

Like a warm breeze.

*

First kiss.

Every word.

Every sentence,

like a caress.

Unforgettable.

Etched in memory.

*

Warm smiles,

suddenly vanish.

Every dream,

a nightmare now.

Torturous.

Without any warning.

*

A loving family,

caring friends,

"The One".

A perfect life,

slipping away,

like sand from my grasp.

*

The sickening thud,

of the cover,

falling shut,

yet again.

Mind whirling.

What went so wrong?

*

 Reading,

and rereading,

in vain.

Eyes desperate,

for a lone clue.

Where did I mess up?

*

One detail,

one mistake,

that left me,

with nothing,

to hold on to.

Or was it just too good to last?

*

Dear Diary,

been through it all,

by my side.

My way of,

pulling through.

My one friend for life.

Comments & reviews · 2
RossiRainCloud wrote a review Review · Jan 9, 2017

Hello anshira, how are you?! :D I am here to review your lovely Poem :D , like niteowl down their, I also at first did not really no ware this was going, but it turned out to work just fin, I like the choice of words that was great and I felt a great feeling when I was reading your poem, its GREAT. and I LOVE LOVE LOVE! how you ended it, and i also did not care for the first few lines but what the hek i cant give you too much trouble about your poem when i stink at them, hahaha, so really great job and i cant wait to see more of your work :D

User avatar
niteowl
Review
niteowl wrote a review Review · Jan 7, 2017

Hi there anshira! Niteowl here to review this poem.

Overall, I liked the narrative structure of this. I didn't really know where this was going at first, and I feel like you handled the transition from "happy memories" to "regret/wondering what went wrong" very well.

Crazy this,

memories,

kept alive.

Every moment,

recorded perfectly.

One's very existence in words.


I didn't like the first couple lines of this stanza. I thought it was awkwardly worded. I like to offer suggestions for rewording but I'm afraid I don't have any at the moment. However, I love the last line. It's just so succinct and perfect.

A slight smile.

A trip down,

memory lane.

Remembrance,

of what was.

Like a warm breeze.


I like the bit about the warm breeze, but "a trip down memory lane" is a cliche. I would consider replacing it with something that stands out more.

One more thing I noticed about the piece overall was the choice of line breaks and punctuation. The combination of short lines and end-line punctuation makes the whole piece feel very stilted. I don't mind the short lines as much, but I think it would be worth considering sentence punctuation or another style. You can read more about the different styles of punctuation in poetry here: Punctuation in Poetry.

Overall, I really liked this. Great job and keep writing! :D

anshira replied · Jan 7, 2017

Thanks.



My life's goal is to end up between YWS quotes on bottom of the page, so some part of me will be able to live forever here.
— AnotherCrowInRow