z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Dear Diary

by anshira


Faded ink,

on the pages.

Folded corners.

Pages turning,

as always,

of the same old book.

*

Crazy this,

memories,

kept alive.

Every moment,

recorded perfectly.

One's very existence in words.

*

A slight smile.

A trip down,

memory lane.

Remembrance,

of what was.

Like a warm breeze.

*

First kiss.

Every word.

Every sentence,

like a caress.

Unforgettable.

Etched in memory.

*

Warm smiles,

suddenly vanish.

Every dream,

a nightmare now.

Torturous.

Without any warning.

*

A loving family,

caring friends,

"The One".

A perfect life,

slipping away,

like sand from my grasp.

*

The sickening thud,

of the cover,

falling shut,

yet again.

Mind whirling.

What went so wrong?

*

 Reading,

and rereading,

in vain.

Eyes desperate,

for a lone clue.

Where did I mess up?

*

One detail,

one mistake,

that left me,

with nothing,

to hold on to.

Or was it just too good to last?

*

Dear Diary,

been through it all,

by my side.

My way of,

pulling through.

My one friend for life.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
20 Reviews

Points: 115
Reviews: 20

Donate
Mon Jan 09, 2017 4:31 pm
RossiRainCloud wrote a review...



Hello anshira, how are you?! :D I am here to review your lovely Poem :D , like niteowl down their, I also at first did not really no ware this was going, but it turned out to work just fin, I like the choice of words that was great and I felt a great feeling when I was reading your poem, its GREAT. and I LOVE LOVE LOVE! how you ended it, and i also did not care for the first few lines but what the hek i cant give you too much trouble about your poem when i stink at them, hahaha, so really great job and i cant wait to see more of your work :D




anshira says...


Thank you.





Shore!



User avatar
1274 Reviews

Points: 35774
Reviews: 1274

Donate
Sat Jan 07, 2017 9:13 pm
View Likes
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there anshira! Niteowl here to review this poem.

Overall, I liked the narrative structure of this. I didn't really know where this was going at first, and I feel like you handled the transition from "happy memories" to "regret/wondering what went wrong" very well.

Crazy this,

memories,

kept alive.

Every moment,

recorded perfectly.

One's very existence in words.


I didn't like the first couple lines of this stanza. I thought it was awkwardly worded. I like to offer suggestions for rewording but I'm afraid I don't have any at the moment. However, I love the last line. It's just so succinct and perfect.

A slight smile.

A trip down,

memory lane.

Remembrance,

of what was.

Like a warm breeze.


I like the bit about the warm breeze, but "a trip down memory lane" is a cliche. I would consider replacing it with something that stands out more.

One more thing I noticed about the piece overall was the choice of line breaks and punctuation. The combination of short lines and end-line punctuation makes the whole piece feel very stilted. I don't mind the short lines as much, but I think it would be worth considering sentence punctuation or another style. You can read more about the different styles of punctuation in poetry here: Punctuation in Poetry.

Overall, I really liked this. Great job and keep writing! :D




anshira says...


Thanks.




Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.
— Nelson Mandela