I was a murder victim,
Please hear me out.
My attacker was quick but lethal,
I hardly had time even for a shout.
One bright morning on a Tuesday,
I headed out in my car.
A guy asked me for a ride,
But the ride never lasted far.
With a heavy object,
He hit me right on my head.
My eyes widened as realization set in,
At my own foolishness I felt very sad.
When I returned to being conscious,
I found myself tied to a chair.
I yelled cried and even begged,
But life is almost never fair.
When my attacker returned,
How I wanted to get up and run.
But as he turned around and faced me,
He told me I wasn't going to ruin his fun.
As the bullet hit my chest,
I realized I was gone for good.
I wonder if the attacker,
Would be punished as he should.
Maybe the police would do something ,
But let them do what they may.
I was never one to rely on some one,
And I am going to make him pay.
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Canary word: Present
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139,852 Literary Works • 672,777 Reviews
Hey, anshira~ Popping by for a quick review.
So, I'll be honest, I didn't particularly like the way you wrote this. The idea is a nice one, but somehow it felt more suited to a short story or a piece of prose than an actual poem. This might be because while prose generally contains an equal amount of 'telling' and 'showing', poetry is more of the latter. Or ... that's my take on it anyway. So I couldn't really sink my teeth into this because 1] it was too fast and 2] it had a plot-line of sorts, but lacked in the emotion department. And trust me when I say: poetry is all about EMOSHUN.
The way the narrator describes the whole event feels kind of ... what's the word? ... indifferent. It doesn't feel real; it's like you've sterilised the event and placed it in an artificial environment with lack of climax, lack of imagery, and an accumulation of sudden epiphanies in oddly rational order. I'll admit I skimmed through most of it because it wasn't very enticing, but again, I'll reiterate: This would make a good short story as it contains more prosy elements than poem. Narrative poems exist, but I think the dividing line between a narrative poem/ a short story is the way language is executed, rather than line breaks. I can't really see the story; I can't feel it, either. This is what we refer to as 'telling'. I'd like some imagery, some foundation to perch the poem-ness on. Your job, as a writer, is to entice. This is why we say that it isn't only content which matters, but also its execution. You could write a brilliant story with a fabulous plotline, but in the end, if it doesn't come across or read well, it's not worth it. So develop what you've got here. Play with this entire broad scene, the scale of events; then give the events a scale by focussing on perhaps a smaller scene in all the bigger ones. See how you many different ways you can talk about this same concept and try exploring the topic thoroughly. From what I've understood, you're basically talking about how a murder victim wants revenge on his/her murderer, even after death. Sounds rather The Lovely Bones to me, except with an entirely different spin. It's an intriguing idea, and you could try working on a single moment (like the actual death scene/the murdered person waking up after being killed, and so on and so forth). The rhyming, also, feels rather forced, so perhaps try evening the rhymes out, trying free-verse, or maybe some other form of poetry to play with.
I understand that these are all general suggestions rather than a critical analysis of this piece you've got here, but here's hoping this'll help you in the sage's path to poetry-making~
If that exists, for I have yet to discover it myself.
So, lovely concept! You have a firm idea, which is always a good thing. Lemme know if you edit this and I'll pop by for a look.
Hope this helped~ Keep it up! Keep writing!
~Pomp
Hi! It's Em101cats here to review your interesting and amazing poem!
Nitpicks:
There's an accidental space between the comma and the word. Don't worry, just fix it up real fast. I do that all the time. xD
My own opinion is that the first line should be its own sentence. I believe the comma just... I don't know, it just seems to my mind like its own sentence instead of a section of one. Though, I don't quite know exactly if it's a true mistake, so feel free to leave it as it is if you like it that way.
Some of the commas could be semicolons. In some places I believe it would help to change them. You can go through it and freely change them wherever you see fit if you like.
The comma's unnecessary. I understand you might want to show a separation between the parts of the sentence, but the comma stops the flow and it's also a grammatical error. I understand, I really do. I do it all the time and have to stop myself xD
I believe that's all I have to say in that department of the review.
Now on to the good part! What Stuck Out to Me (In the Best Way Possible):
Normally I put what stuck out to me in a great way. You know, what I loved more than other parts. But the entire poem was what stuck out. Your idea was extremely creative (I never thought of this before!), your writing was amazing (I kept thinking "Wow! What an author I see here!"), and your only mistakes were simple ones that even the most professional author makes often. I applaud you!
Keep up the great writing!
~Em101cats~
Interesting poem, anshira! I wasn't really expecting the ending part! i really enjoyed that poem and the unknown of what the attacker was going to do, and how it was sort of a recount. I wish I knew what the victim was going to do back, but I guess that is part of the expectation needed! Very well done, and I totally get what you mean with the spacing
Okay, I have tried my best to put in spaces between every four lines but it just does not work. Sorry, guys.
the best way to put spaces in the stanzas it to put an asterisk every line you want to space. You could do it with periods too, but asterisks are prettier.
like this:
If I want to space a poem,
on YWS
*
use an asterisk
like this.