Chapter 1
First Meetings
“I don't see why I have to learn about this,” Princess Re'ana said. “The wall was made centuries ago and it's still standing. It keeps the bad things out and keeps us safe. Why do I need to know any more than that?”
“Because if you want to be a wise ruler, you must learn from the mistakes of those that came before you,” the old tutor said with an exasperated tone. “It's important that you know this.”
“It's boring is what it is. Let's go on to something else.” Re'ana said looking at her reflection in the mirror that covered the entire wall to her left. She returned one of her rebellious locks of her raven black hair back to its proper place behind her ear before turning her irritated gaze back on the tutor.
“Very well, Princess. What topic would you like to study?”
“Truth be told, I find all of them to be horribly dull. Let's end this lecture so that I can get back to much more important matters.”
“Their majesties have ordered me to tutor you until you are ready to begin studies of your own with them. As the other subjects are so dull, we will continue with history.” The tutor continued with his lesson about how the mile high wall was built to protect the people of country from the creatures that populated the world.
Re'ana rested her chin in her hand as she quickly grew bored with the lecture and began to daydream about one a gallant knight, like the ones from her story books, coming and whisking her away on a life of adventure and romance. When the elegant arms of the grandfather clock struck two, releasing the resounding toll of the bell, Re'ana was quickly on her feet and heading out the doors as the tutor was still trying to tell her about the lesson. “How were your lessons, princess?” a young servant quietly asked, attempting to catch up to Re'ana's quick pace.
“A complete waste of my time, Leena,” Re'ana snapped as she hurried to her room within the luxurious castle. “Learning about things that happened ages ago and don't affect me in the present. It's completely ridiculous.” Throwing open the doors of her room she strode across the polished stone to the soft carpet that lay in front of the fireplace and two ornate chairs faced at an angle toward the hearth. A large bed with flowing drapes sat across from the small sitting area and a large wardrobe, filled with elegant dresses, rested against the wall. “I just want some gallant knight to come riding in and take me on a wonderful adventure. He'd adore me and slay horrible beasts, and I would live in the riches of his exploits.”
“And no doubt make him penniless with all the spending that you would do,” a woman said standing at the door. Leena bowed quickly as the queen entered the room. She almost seemed to hover with the graceful and even steps that she took. The older servant behind the queen hurried to keep pace with her. “I hear from William that you are being difficult with your studies.”
“I just fail to see what learning about a wall has to do with being queen,” Re'ana responded.
The queen looked to the servants, who understood the silent command and quickly left, before returning her gaze onto the princess. “You are my daughter, and as such you must conduct yourself with elegance and humility. Learning about 'a wall' is just as important as learning how to lead a country. One day your father and I will not be here and you will be responsible for making decisions that best benefit the country, not just yourself.”
“That still doesn't explain the boring lectures.”
“Knowing the reasons for why our ancestors built the wall gives you insight as to what kind of queen you want to be. One that does what is best for her people and not necessarily for her own desires. One day, you may have to make a decision that affects the entire nation, or to forgo your duty for your own desires.”
“When I am queen, I will make sure to let my advisers make the important decisions. That's what their there for.”
“Not all advisers base their advice in the best interest of royalty.”
“Then I'll marry a man that can take care of all that himself and doesn't need me for menial decisions.”
The queen - Mirana - sighed and ran her hand along the back of the chair near her. “Those books that you read are only fairy tales. They have no truth to how the world really is.” Re'ana rolled her eyes and stared out of the large window at the grounds below. She watched as loaves of bread were distributed to a large crowd of waiting peasants. “You're birthday is in a few days. Have you decided what you would like as a gift?”
“Oh...whatever you find will be fine. I probably won't bother with opening it anyways.” She picked up the book from the table between the set of chairs and opened the red cover to continue on her imaginative journey through the world of fantasy. Mirana strode over, with a slightly irritated gate, and snatched the book from her hand.
“Perhaps I should make it a little more clear for you. Your attitude of superiority is well out of place and not fitting of someone of royalty. Do you know that without the people, you would not have anything to rule? If you can't see that, then you will lose everything that you have enjoyed from the moment of your birth. No servants, no books, no days spent lounging about the castle without care. You have to learn what it means to be a leader and do what is in the best interest of your people.”
Re'ana sighed with the same irritated look on her face that was on her mother's. “Alright. I will be nicer to William in the future. Can I have my book now?” Re'ana held out her hand expectantly. Mirana sighed and reluctantly handed over the collection of written passages.
“I just want to know that you will be ready for the future, Re'ana. If you aren't, then I have failed as a mother.”
Re'ana ignored her mother's heartfelt concern and buried herself in the words of her book. Mirana left the room giving a loving gaze over her shoulder to her daughter who, she feared, would never grow out of her immature ways. Re'ana was spirited away into the fairy tales of her book, leaving the uneventful world behind her as she rode across the plains of the wild savanna and explored mysterious jungles for the ruins of some ancient being.
When the sun disappeared behind the hills on the horizon, Re'ana got ready for bed; but, as the night wore on, she found that she couldn't fall asleep. Of course, the fact that tonight was the first night of the full moon and had demanded that the curtains that once hung in her room be removed and new ones sewn, as she did every year, only aided in fate's plan to keep her from sleeping. With an annoyed sigh, Re'ana grabbed the heavy robe that was draped beside her bed and covered the silk nightgown that she was wearing. With it being too dark to read, she headed out of her room on a quest to the castle gardens. Holding a meager candle in a candlestick of polished brass, she wandered the darkened corridors toward her destination, idly thinking that this would be similar to the caverns that her book's hero was lost in.
Opening the doors to the garden she breathed in the midnight air that rushed in from the outside, the midsummer sky sparkling with stars and the heavenly moon illuminating the flowers that filled the open court with an eerie glow. Walking along the stone paths the led through the maze of the garden, she paused to sit on the stone bench that overlooked the massive fountain that dominated the center of the garden. It depicted lovely women holding large vessel that would pour endless amounts of water into the calm pool beneath it. She stared up at the sky, trying to remember where the constellations that she had been taught were found. Her favorite constellation was hidden by the castle itself, but she smiled thinking back to the romantic story that went with it.
Re'ana jumped and let out a yelp when a voice behind her said, “Strange for you to be up.” She quickly turned and looked to the man that had snuck up behind her. The man in front of her had a somewhat rugged face and was dressed in a black sleeveless tunic and pants. His gloved hands, which were missing the fingers, rested on the hilt of a curved sword at his hip. “Not normal for a member of the royal family to have issues sleeping.”
Quickly regaining her composure she gave him a sour look. “It's rude to sneak up on someone in the dark. Have you no manners? Besides, if you know who I am then you should address me in the proper manner,” Re'ana snapped.
The man chuckled as he bowed slightly to her. “As you wish, Princess,” he said, before turning around and walking away.
“How dare you turn your back on royalty, guard! What is your name so that I may have you punished properly?!”
The man paused and turned to Re'ana. “Now why would I give you my name if I know that you plan on punishing me? It would make more sense for me to just leave and not give you anything.”
Re'ana ground her teeth in frustration at the nonchalant manner that the guard was speaking to her. “I, your Princess, am ordering you to tell me your name!”
The guard let out an audible huff that hinted at a small laugh. “I'm called Fang.” He turned about again and disappeared behind a hedge. Re'ana rushed to the point where she lost sight of Fang to scold him more, only to find that he had vanished into the shadows of the night. Furious, Re'ana stomped through the garden and headed back into the castle. Going to the library, her only other sanctuary, she dropped down into one of the many chairs set in front of the enormous fireplace that had a roaring bonfire inside it. She sat there for a while before falling asleep in the soft cushion of the chair, unaware of the eyes from the creature that watched her from the window.
The morning light dawned in the library of books that reached to the ceiling. Re'ana stretched with a loud yawn and looked about the massive room with a content smile on her face. She could practically see the words of the printed pages trying escape and tell her their story, that they might be remembered as more than just words. She tried to imagine what each of the books would look like if they were in fact a person telling her their story. The old tomes that were covered with dust from lack of use she could see as an old man with a great many wrinkles and bushy eyebrows that covered his eyes. Often discarded and left in the corner to collect dust in silence until someone stumbles across them by accident. The books that had been read so many times that they were starting to come apart reminded her of an adviser that people would keep coming to for words of wisdom.
“When you were a little girl,” a deep voice said, “I would find you bundled up on the couch over there with a book left open on the page that you had fallen asleep at.” Re'ana smiled as she looked over the chair to the middle-age man that smiled at the fond memory. His thick beard curved up with the arch of his lips. “Good morning, Sweety,” the man said.
“Good morning, Daddy,” Re'ana responded, standing up and hugging him. “I couldn't sleep last night so I went to the garden.” The smile that had once been on Re’ana’s fair face vanished and she pulled away from her father with an aggravated look on her face. “And I met the most appalling guard I have ever had the displeasure of meeting. I expect him to be punished appropriately.”
“Well, what was his name?” the king asked.
“He said it was Fang, but I'm sure that it was a lie.”
“I know who you're talking about, and no he isn't lying. He doesn't believe in it. What did he do that was so appalling to you?”
“He treated me like some commoner. Turned his back on me. Didn't address me by my title.”
The king sighed and motioned for Re'ana to sit down again. “The man you're talking about is a man that saved my life a few years ago.”
“That mongrel saved you?”
“Do you remember that boar hunt I went on? The one where we didn't get back until well after sunset?”
“Oh yeah. Mom and I stayed at that little tavern by the east gate. I didn't know you had returned until the next morning”
“Well,” the king looked over his shoulder to make sure that they were alone. “Don’t tell your mother about this.” He gave Re'ana a stern look to make sure that she knew that he was serious. “The day that we went out, I was the only one of the hunting party to return. We began the hunt in the morning and our guide made sure to tell us that there was a limit to how far we could go. When we finally found the boar and chased it down, we had traveled well beyond where we should have. The creatures outside the wall came for us and killed most of the party. Myself and two of the guards managed to escape the slaughter. Of course, that wasn't for long. We took shelter inside of a cave and the last two of the guards were drug off into the darkness. I managed to escape out of sheer luck. When night fell, I had become completely lost. I was nearly killed by an ogre, but Fang arrived and saved my life. He led me back to the wall and I offered him a place as one of the guard as long as he continued to protect you, your mother, and myself.”
“Wow. I didn't realize that you were nearly killed. So he's from outside the wall? That explains why he’s so repulsive.”
The king chuckled. “He just doesn't see the point in being extravagant. He has a job and that is what is expected of him. Nothing more. He also believes that respect is earned, not entitled to anyone.”
“Well, regardless of what he did for you, that doesn't give him the right to behave in such a fashion.”
“I will talk to him and address his attitude, but he is a night guard. They don't really see royalty all that often. Alright, I think that is enough dilly-dally. Go up to your room and get dressed. We're going to Northshire for your birthday. We will be getting you your first horse today.”
“They raise the best horses there!” Re'ana said with excitement.
“Only the best for my little princess.” Re'ana jumped to her feet and gave her father a quick hug before rushing up the stairs to her room to get dressed.
Bursting through the doors to her room, she startled Leena, the servant girl, who had been waiting there for her. “Good morning, Princess,” she said with a hurried bow. “I hope that you slept well.” Re'ana didn't acknowledge the girl as she quickly chose a dress and began pulling it on and having it laced up.
The carriages, one for Re’ana and one for the king and his queen, left in an organized procession out of the city toward the northern gate of the wall. Leena sat beside Re'ana and two more servant girls sat in the seat across from them. The lush country-side stretched out across the vast plain before the massive mile-high wall rose up toward the sky. The shallow and uneven path cut through the grasslands from years of travel like a scar upon the land. The carriage would jostle back and forth on occasion from the stone that jutted up from the earth as a minor obstacle. Re'ana continued to read from her book with only the rare glance out the window of the carriage to see the farmstead or plantation that a noble or someone with great wealth owned. Near midday, the small company entered into a shaded wood. The bows of the trees arched over the road creating a corridor that the carriage and guards could travel through.
Having finished her book, Re'ana sat contently staring out the window. She imagined the horse that would be waiting for her at Northshire when she arrived. She would want a mare with white hair so that she could wear colors that would accent her. It couldn't have a temper or attitude with her. It wouldn't sweat or get dirty like the animals that the guards rode.
She saw movement in the trees that snapped her from her daydream. A large black figure darted between the trees in the distance. “Is that a bear?” Re'ana asked.
“We don't have any bears within the wall, Princess,” Leena said.
“There are stories about a pack of wolves that have refused to leave the wood,” one of the women across from her said. “Some say that they protect the castle from any dangerous creatures that might make their way in.”
“Some say that their leader is a dire wolf the size of a man,” said the other.
Re'ana sat back, a small amount of fear replacing her curiosity. “Why don't they hunt them down and get rid of them?” she questioned.
“They can't find them. Whenever they manage to send a hunting party out to remove them, it's like they just vanish,” Leena says quietly. “The estates that skirt the forest have all come to the realization that, if there are any wolves, that they stay in the forest and don't bother anyone. Not even the livestock that would be an easy meal for the pack.”
“That's strange,” Re'ana said. “Even animals have to eat.” When she looked out into the woods again she didn't see anything moving anymore, but she felt that there was something that was following them. When they finally left the woods behind, Re'ana felt like she could breathe again, and as the sun began to set, giving the sky a pale orange hue, the carriages arrived at the town of Northshire.
A grand welcome was waiting for them. Flowers and lights were decorated all across the cobblestone street, and fireworks were shot off, exploding in a brilliant display of color and light. Re'ana smiled and waved, as was expected of her, even though she detested fireworks for the noise that they made. A large crowd had gathered outside the gates of their mansion in the city to imply their happiness of them being there. The sun had set and the stars were coming out to twinkle in the fabric of night as the carriages passed through the gate.
When the carriages pulled up to the mansion, Re'ana was angered to see the black clothed form of Fang standing at the top of the stairs against one side of the large doors. He bowed to the king and queen as the passed him and remained that way until after Re'ana had entered the mansion. Following them inside, he stood in the large entrance hall waiting for his orders. “I see that everything is in order,” the king said. “I take it that you oversaw that, Fang?”
“I'm afraid not, sire. I only arrived shortly before you did,” Fang said, bowing his head respectfully.
“So you do have manners,” Re'ana muttered loud enough for everyone to hear.
“That I do, Princess. Despite your misgivings about me, I'm not a complete barbarian,” Fang said looking to Re'ana. His bright green eyes seeming to watch her like a hunter would watch his prey. “I'm going to do my rounds. Excuse me.” Fang abruptly turned and left the room.
Re'ana growled under her breath as she watched him leave. “He is absolutely infuriating!” she spat.
“He just takes some time to get used to,” the king replied with a chuckle. “Come, we've all had a long day and tomorrow is going to be busy. We should all get some rest.” Gratefully, everyone went to the respective rooms and settled in for the night.
Re'ana awoke to something scratching as her window. Rubbing her eyes she attempted to peer through the sleepy haze and saw a shrouded creature floating at the large window. The creature raised its metallic skeletal hand and beckoned her toward it with a single finger. She felt her body seeming to move on its own accord toward the window. The shrouded figure continued to beckon her toward the window and a dread slowly filled her chest. She screamed at herself to wake up over and over but nothing happened. She watched her hand slowly rise to unhook the latch holding the window closed. She screamed at her body to stop before a flash of light in the shadows beside the creature drove it away with a terrifying shriek.
The next thing Re'ana knew, she was back in her bed like nothing had happened. Only the faint memory of a distant dream reminded her of the creature that had been at the window. The sun hadn't even begun to rise, only the faint glow of sunrise signaled the coming dawn. Pulling on a robe she quickly headed out of the room to the kitchen for something to drink. “Will someone get me a drink,” she ordered as she opened the door. To her embarrassment she found that no one was there. She let out a huff as she waited for a moment to see if anyone would come.
With an irritated scowl she grabbed a nearby bell and began to ring it incessantly. Leena quickly came in through the servant's entrance trying to rub the sleep from her eyes. “Yes, Princess? How can I be of service?” she said in a tired tone.
“I want something to drink, and while your at it, make me something to eat as well,” Re'ana commanded before she brushed off a stool and sat down on it. Leena quickly got to work pouring a drink and getting a fire going to cook with. She grabbed random ingredients and threw them into a pot to cook as the fire continued to burn inside of the stove.
“Mmmmm! Something smells good,” Fang said as he stepped through the door into the kitchen. He held a thick leather bound book under one arm as he bit into an apple in his other hand. His gaze fell on Re'ana sitting in the corner wearing her night robe. “Evening, Princess. Still having trouble sleeping, I see.” Re'ana released an irritated sigh and rolled her eyes to look as far away from him as possible. “Still mad at me for disappearing on you the other night, huh?”
“For your information, you have such little bearing in my life that I hardly remember the incident,” Re'ana said nonchalantly.
“Apparently, I had some barring...you're still upset,” Fang grinned. Re'ana ground her teeth at Fang's disregard for her authority, but she was too hungry to fight with him. Sitting at the table and setting the large leather bound book down and opening it to one of the center pages.
“Didn't think a commoner like you would have the ability to read.”
“And I'm sure you already know everything in this book just by looking at its cover.” Fang grinned at Re'ana as he flipped the page.
She caught a glimpse of the drawing of a shrouded figure on the page. “Wait!” she cried, jumping up from the stool. She immediately regretted saying anything in such a loud voice. “That book...What is it?” she asked.
“It's a tome of different creatures that would be outside the wall. Sometimes they get inside and knowing how to deal with them is the difference between life and death.”
“And the drawing on that page?”
Fang looked at the page and then back to Re'ana. “That's an image of the T'vi. One of the few people that actually saw one and lived managed to draw that before his mind completely snapped.”
Re'ana swallowed a little at the description of the creature. “Does anyone know anything about them?”
“Why the sudden interest? You act like you've seen one of these things.”
“I had a dream about something that looked like that.”
Fang's normally grin bearing face was suddenly serious. Flipping to the page with the most information on the T'vi and pushed the book toward Re'ana, Fang took another bite out of the apple as Re'ana sat down. “Not much is known about the T'vi. They aren't seen much. Well, at least few have seen them and lived to tell the tale or kept their sanity. The small information that is known is that they supposedly have some magical ability and will abduct people at night. What happens to those that they take isn't known, but they're never heard from again.”
Re'ana flipped through the pages idly. “How come you know so much about them?”
“I knew a man who survived at attack from a T'vi. Before his mind was completely lost he told me about them in broken sentences.”
Re'ana nodded as she closed the book. “Well, I guess I'm glad that you're so knowledgeable about them. Should they come then you'll know how to drive them away.”
Fang huffed a little. “There is no driving them away. You just start running and don't look back.” He tossed the apple core into a basket of food scraps before grabbing the book and taking it out of the kitchen. “Just remember. If you really do see one, don't let it in. For some reason they can't enter a house without being invited in.”
She let out a frustrated growl as Fang disappeared into the hall. “God I hate him.”
“He didn't seem all bad,” Leena idly remarked as she placed the glass and steaming plate in front of Re'ana.
“Such disregard for social standings. He has little more manners than a pig.” Re'ana held the eating utensil between her index finger and thumb, as she had been taught to do for years. She would champ down on the food in a most inelegant manner in her frustration with the night clad guard. After a few moments, the food on the plate was reduced to crumbs and the glass sat empty. Re'ana returned to her room, leaving Leena to clean up the mess.
When the morning dawned on the peaceful town, the villagers began their preparations for Re'ana's coming celebration. Ribbon was draped between the closely packed buildings and wreaths of flowers of every color were hung from the windows of the buildings lining the street. The guards lined the road as the royal family paraded down the main road. Re'ana plastered on a fake smile and waved to the common folk who, she knew, would rather be in the homes and tending their shops than standing in the hot sun to celebrate her birthday. Of course, all of this show was just to get them to the stables, where her future steed was waiting to be chosen by her.
The large pasture was divided by a wooden fence that kept the mares from the stallions. “My lovely Princess,” a large man said rushing up to her. “Welcome to Northshire Fields. I hope that you have been having a pleasant stay.”
“Quite,” Re'ana said. Putting aside her interactions with Fang, her stay had been perfect. “I am here to select a horse.”
“Of course, my lady. Did you have something in mind? Or would you like to look about first?”
“I would like a mare. Not too temperamental, but with a strong spirit, and she must be well trained.”
“I have the perfect horse for you, my lady.” The man led the small group to a horse that would be considered the perfection of equestrian form. A bright white coat, like freshly fallen snow, covered her powerful form and listening intently to the verbal commands of her trainer. “This is Winter. The finest mare I have ever trained and more than a match for your royal request, Princess.”
Re'ana marveled as the mare would trot, stop, and walk backwards with just a simple command from the trainer; but another horse caught her eye. She stood just in Re'ana's peripheral and watched her with a strange intensity. Re'ana turned her gaze to the chestnut mare and saw that it was a little smaller than Winter and probably a little younger. The mare was currently ignoring her trainer's commands as she matched Re'ana gaze. A sudden crack of a whip across her shoulder drew a whinny from the equestrian and, for some strange reason, a dull pain in Re'ana's shoulder. The chestnut mare turned back to her trainer and started listening to his commands once again. “What about that horse?”
“Oh, I don't think that one would be a good choice, Princess,” the man said waving his hands frantically back and forth. “Aria is still being broken in. She won't even take a rider yet.”
Re'ana heard the mare let out another pained whinny and a feeling of pain ached in her shoulder once again. “Maybe it's because she doesn't appreciate being whipped,” she said as she walked toward Aria. She ran her hand along Aria's jaw as she made her way to the saddle strapped to the mare's back.
“Princess, please come away from her. She's dangerous. She'll kill you.” Re'ana hesitated before she pulled herself up into the saddle. She grabbed the riding horn tightly, expecting to be bucked. Aria remained perfectly still, waiting patiently for Re'ana's commands, much to the shock of the trainers around her. With a gentle nudge to her sides from Re'ana's heels, Aria started off into a gentle canter. “I...I don't believe it,” the man said.
Re'ana let out a nervous giggle as she rode around the training field. “I believe that she's made her decision,” the king said with a wide grin on his bearded face.
Re'ana looked over to the white horse that was currently trotting around the field. She looked back to Aria and a gentle smile spread over her thin lips. “Yes, I would like to take Aria. She seems to have taken a liking to me,” she said as she patted her neck. Climbing from her back, Re'ana walked back toward her parents. Aria began to follow her before the crack of a whip stopped her in her tracks. “Strike my horse again and I will see to it that you feel her pain ten times over!” Re'ana cried, staring down the trainer. He quickly regretted his action and backed away from the guards that were moving towards him should Re'ana give the command.
“Princess, he is just inexperienced. He didn't know what he was doing,” the man said nervously.
Re'ana huffed and turned her back on the trainer and left him trembling as she left the fields. Returning to the carriage, she was pleasantly surprised to see Aria being tied up to the back of the carriage. “Well, I have to say that you put the fear of god in him,” Mirana said with a gentle smile playing on her lips.
A day of going from shop to shop followed, choosing a cake that would be presented at her birthday celebration that evening as well as the decorations that would fill the mansion by the time the sun set. Re'ana sighed as she continued to wave to the people lining the street, her cheeks starting to feel sore from the fake smile on her face. She paused a moment when she heard the sound of music and laughter. “Oh,” she said idly. “It appears there is a carnival.” She leaned out of the carriage a little to try to get a better view. She could see a crowd of people working their way back between the spectators at the side of the road and the ordered line of horses and carriages. Men and women danced about to a lively tune, played on violins, drums, and flutes. Re'ana watched them with a quiet smile on her face, until one of the ladies in waiting across from her scoffed.
“Elves,” she said with disdain.
“Gypsies,” said the other. “Supposedly, they'll use their magic to put you in a trance so they can rob you blind or curse you so that all of your hair falls out.” Re'ana looked to the dancing people, dressed in vibrant colors. Their faces were narrower than most people and the peak of their ears had a definitive point.
One of the Elven women danced up to the side of the carriage and held out a lily. “A present for the princess' birthday,” she said. Her auburn hair was decorated with a lily and her eyes emanated mischief. Re'ana, gingerly, took the flower and gave a nod of thanks, prompting the elf to twirl out of sight. Re'ana brought the lily up to her nose to smell it's sweet perfume and was startled when the petals of the lily suddenly turned into doves that flapped about the carriage before making their escape out of the window.
Re'ana tossed the empty stem out of the carriage window. “The things they say about Elves is true. Why do they even let them into the wall?” Re'ana inquired.
“They entertain the peasants,” Leena said. “And the tax placed on them goes straight to the treasury. So they're tolerated because they more than pay for their stay.” The reasons, though reasonable, didn't make Re'ana like them anymore. Gypsies were nothing more than con-artists seeking wealth from the easily amused in her eyes. They'll quickly sell you a bottle of snake oil as a miracle cure, just to earn a few more coins.
“The only thing I like about Elves is their music,” Re'ana commented as she continued to hear the flutter of the flute, the beating of the drum, and the flourish of the violin cascading together in a mesmeric harmony.
“It's definitely something to dance to,” Leena said quietly. The Elves disappeared around the bend of the road, the sound of their music continuing just beyond the buildings.
Re’ana watched the spot where they had disappeared. “Let’s see how well they entertain,” Re’ana said getting the attention of the driver. The carriage was led to the open square which had been filled with stands displaying jewelry and clothes. Performance from acrobats to fire breathers were intermingled by the commoners who watched the performances. Stepping from the cart she was greeted by the commoners with a day bow and acknowledgment of “Princess.” Re’ana began to wander about, without much direction, and watch the performers do their specific art before looking at the stalls of jewelry and extravagant clothing folded in a neat row on the makeshift counter.
Pausing at a jewelry stall that was predominantly blue, Re’ana looked at a necklace of blue gems. “That there is a lovely necklace for a princess such as yourself, your highness,” an elderly woman said gently. Very few wrinkles accented her face and a pair of points marked where her ears were in the full bun of her white hair. “It’s crafted with azure stones from the Ice Mountain and silver spun from the spiders of the Everdark Abyss.”
“It’s lovely,” Re’ana said quietly.
“Take it,” the old woman said holding it out to her. “A birthday present on the princess’ big day.”
Re’ana looked to the woman, studying her for deceit. “Will it suddenly turn into birds or a snake or some other kind of animal?”
“No, princess,” she said with a quiet chuckle. “It’s just a necklace. No magic. No tricks.” Re’ana took the necklace carefully. Just in case it should suddenly disappear in a flash of light. She placed it around her neck and turned a little in the mirror on the table. “It suits you perfectly, Princess.” Re’ana nodded in approval before turning on her heel and walking off into the square.
A man stood on a stage and began shouting. “Come one. Come all. Witness the magnificent power of Lex’fend, the Magician.” He waved his hands about and threw skittering balls of light into the crowd, much to their amusement. “I need a volunteer, anyone will do.” People’s hands shot up, trying to catch the attention of magician. “My lady!” he cried, spying the princess. “My lady would you grace us with your presence.” Being placed on the spot, Re’ana reluctantly agreed and walked up onto the stage. “Would you hold this, Princess?” he asked holding out a vase to her. With Re’ana holding it with both hands, Lex’fend rolled up his sleeves and waved his hands about in a theatrical manner. The vase in Re’ana’s hands suddenly changed into flowers. Re’ana watched in amazement as Lex’fend grabbed one flower and pulled out a string of flowers until there was none in her hand. “Do you like flowers, my lady?” Re’ana nodded and he flung the string of flowers into the air, where they gently drifted down in a ring to land around her neck. “Of course, these serpent daisies don’t always behave as they should.” Re’ana lifted her hands to the flower necklace and felt a smooth texture. Looking down, she saw the flowers around her neck had become a snake with bright green scales, gently squeezing at her skin.
With a shrill scream she tore the snake away and threw it on the ground. On the stage lay the broken flower necklace, a few of its petals gliding down to the wooden floor. “You are a horrid man!” she screamed in anger. “No, not even a man, an Elf! A gypsy Elf! I swear that I will see your horrid tricks and underhanded ways run out of this kingdom!” Re’ana stormed off the stage, her hands attempting to wipe away the feeling of crawling from beneath of her skin.
Getting back into the carriage, she planted herself into the seat with a furious posture. She glared out of the window having been put into a foul mood. “They’re tricky,” the woman across from her said. “We tried to warn you.”
“Nothing but charlatans and thieves. The whole lot of them,” Re’ana agreed. “Using their magic to distract you as they slip their hands into your coin purse.” She folded her arms in her irritated state, huffing as it would be unladylike to spit out curses. “I’m ready to go back to the mansion!” she said to the carriage driver. He quickly spurred the horses toward the extravagant manner, still being decorated for the party that evening. Re’ana stormed out of the carriage and up to her room. Not to be seen until the celebration later that night.
As evening brought its orange hued dusk, the mansion was illuminated by thousands of candles that fluttered about with the wind. Ribbons and flowers decorated the fence and halls and guests began funneling into the massive double doors placing their gifts for the princess on a table near the back. The pillars were wrapped in fine silk and bright gems that twinkled in the last rays of sunlight. The festivities began with the stringed instruments playing tunes that invited people to come dance. As always, Re’ana was at the focus of attention in the massive ballroom. Her dazzling gown sparkled in the candlelight. She unwrapped her gifts as the world outside became dark, and though she thanked those around her profusely for their gifts in feigned gratitude. She found most of them to be dull and unfitting of a princess coming into womanhood. Not like Aria. No gift even came close to her father’s present.
Re’ana would dance with a few of the young men that were there to court her, now that she was of marrying age. Most of them were nice and gentlemanly, while others were regal and handsome. In truth, all of them were good candidates as husbands; but, none of them fit the image of her perfect knight. Her prince that she had been dreaming of since she was a young girl, when her father would read her fairy tales, would have the body of a god and his only wish would be to see her pleased. As the song came to a close and she gave a dainty bow to her seat and released a disappointed sigh. “Is something the matter, Princess?” Leena inquired.
“Oh, nothing,” Re’ana responded. “I’m just a little sad. Here I am at the pinnacle of youth and my prince charming hasn’t arrived to whisk me away to his kingdom. It’s not something you would understand Leena.”
“No, Princess. I wouldn’t understand that at all,” Leena’s eyes rolled as she sang to Re’ana’s tune.
“This celebration is nice and all and Aria is a magnificent horse; but, sometimes I wish I was married and had a castle of my own with servants and cooks.” Re’ana rested her chin in her hand as she slipped into a daydream, imagining what it would be like to be her own queen. She didn’t even notice when her mother came up and started speaking with her. She blinked a few times and turned her attention to her mother, who was giving her a stern look. “I’m sorry. What were you saying?”
“You really need to stop disappearing into your little fantasies,” her mother said. Re’ana gave her a sheepish grin, which prompted an eye roll from her mother. “I asked if you had seen Sarce, the prince of Taqui. He has definitely come into manhood. Nothing like when you saw him three years ago.” Re’ana began looking about the room for him. Mirana nodded her head toward a young man with a chiseled jaw and curly brown hair. “What do you think about him?”
“He doesn’t fit the prince of my dreams perfectly,” Re’ana said, “but he is really close.”
“Shall I have him sent over?” Re’ana nodded eagerly and sat up a little straighter. Mirana got Sarce’s attention and sent him toward Re’ana. She could vaguely remember a young man with curly brown hair that was overweight of the same name. But he was nothing like the well-built spectacle that was now walking up the steps to her.
“Would you care to dance?” Sarce asked offering his arm.
“I would love to,” Re’ana said taking his offered arm. She secretly squeezed his arm through his crimson jacket and happy to find that there was a firm muscle beneath it. Arriving, once again, at the center of the dance floor, the two of them began to slowly turn in place as a gentle waltz was played. “What took you so long to come as for a dance?”
“I sort of got the feeling that you didn’t like me from out last encounter,” Sarce responded.
“What would make you think that?”
“You dropped a bowl of chowder on my head and said you wanted nothing to do with me.”
“Oh,” Re’ana actually felt herself blushing from embarrassment. “Well, that was three years ago. I assure you that those are not my feelings now.” Sarce nodded, almost like he found her statement hard to believe. As the song ended, Sarce released Re’ana from his strong arms and they clapped for the musicians. The doors opened and a servant announced the arrival of the cake.
The towering cake was brought out for the final event of the evening. Re’ana stepped forward, a dainty smile playing on her lips, and took a deep breath to blow out the candles. A sudden feeling of unease filled her chest as the full moon peeked out from behind the clouds. A sudden crash from a window shattering, cast the room in darkness. Several of the guests let out screams of terror upon seeing the shrouded creatures that flew about the room from the broken window. The soft light of the moon glinted off of their metallic hands. The wraith-like entities dove down on the frightened guests and would carry one out of the large window.
Between the blood-curdling screams, Re’ana could only think of Fang’s words, much to her annoyance. Keep running and don’t look back. She ran for the back of the ballroom where she had been sitting for the duration of the now ruined ball. Crouched beside the ornate armrest, she continued to frantically search about for an exit while the terrified screams of those that were carrying guests out through the open windows. When something suddenly grabbed her arm and started pulling her away, she let out a terrified shriek and beat her small fist against the arm. Opening her eyes she recognized the platinum blonde hair and black gloved hand, which currently hold her wrist in a tight grip.
Dragging Re’ana to a nearby wall, Fang tore aside the ornate tapestry that hung from the iron rod mounted to the wall above him. Bracing his body against the stone, the wall slowly began to move and revealed a hidden passage. Grabbing the princess’ arm once more he pulled her into the tunnel. The near pitch black darkness of the corridor caused Re’ana to trip and stumble only held up by Fang’s demanding pull. “Where are my parents?” Re’ana cried.
“The rest of the guard is taking them out another escape passage,” Fang replied. “We’ll meet up with them at the safe house.” As relieved as Re’ana was to hear that her family would be alright; she was annoyed by the fact that Fang was not addressing her in the proper fashion.
Fang came to a sudden halt, causing Re’ana to run into his back. He quickly gave her a silent sign to remain quiet before she could speak. Peeking his head out beyond the foliage, Fang scanned the skies for any sign of the T’vi. The safety of the forest lay beyond the open stretch of land that spanned nearly a hundred yards. A piercing shriek signaled the T’vi coming down the corridor that had been Fang and Re’ana’s escape. “Run for it!” Fang ordered as he began dragging the princess after him.
Another sound caused Fang to draw his ivoryhilt sword from its sheath. The sound, that had seemed so close to the cry of the shrouded figures that pursued them, came from a horse that was thundering across the plane. “Aria?” Re’ana said in confusion. The chestnut mare gave out a whinny and a snort before stopping beside the fleeing pair. Fang sheathed his curved sword and pulled himself onto the mare’s unsaddled back, holding out his hand for Re’ana. She gave him a dejected look. “You must be joking. How am I supposed to ride without a saddle?”
“The same way your ancestors did before they invented the saddle,” Fang replied. “Now come on!” He grabbed her arm rather forcefully and drug her up into the place behind him. Giving Aria a swift kick to her flanks with his heels they took off across the plane just as the wraith-like creatures came rushing out of the hidden opening in the wall to pursue them. “Come on, girl! Faster!” Fang glanced over his shoulder, sensing the T’vi closing in on them. Their shrieks sent chills down Re’ana’s spine, like their skeletal hands where trailing their fingertips along her back. Aria’s thundering hooves kept them moving toward the approaching tree line as Fang continued to coax more speed from the mare that carried them.
The T’vi suddenly soared skyward as the trees encompassed them. Re’ana released a breath she didn’t know she had been holding. Aria began to slow as the present danger had seemed to pass them by. Sliding down from his place on Aria’s back he patted the mare’s shoulder in thanks. Taking the reins, Fang led Aria through the silent woods. Not even the crickets chirped in the darkness around them. “Are those creatures gone?” Re’ana asked. As if to answer, another shriek came from overhead and passed them by.
“No,” Fang replied. “But the trees will give us cover to slip away.” Now that the T’vi were out of sight, but not quite out of mind, Re’ana’s familiar attitude returned. She cleared her throat to show her irritation with Fang. “What?” he asked looking to her.
“Just because we’re no longer within the wall does not mean that you can ignore the proper way to address me.”
Fang’s eyes called so hard that he thought he might have strained something. “Forgive me, Princess. I will make sure to remember that from now on.” The sarcasm in his voice was unmistakable.
“Watch your tone or I’ll have you flogged.”
“You know, Princess, there are many creatures in this forest that would love to dine on royalty. The louder you talk the more likely they are to find us.” Re’ana wasn’t sure if he was being serious or if he was just trying to make her be quiet, but didn’t want to meet anything that lived in these woods.
Half-an-hour passed, but to Re’ana it felt more like half the night, and they came to a small cottage. The stone and mortar buried in a thick blanket of ivy. A lake sat at rest several yards from the small, overgrown building, the small ripples lapping gently at the store. “Looks like we’re the first ones here. Unless they went to one of the other safe houses.”
“Well, did they or didn’t they? You said before that we would meet them here.”
“That was the plan, Princess; but, plans change. They might of gotten cut off with those T’vi that came after us.” Re’ana held in a groan from the thought of spending the evening in Fang’s company. He led Aria to the trough near the cottage and helped Re’ana to the ground. The inside of the cottage could barely be considered a place to rest. A few thin mattresses on wooden frames served as beds and a small table to eat at. “I’ll let you get some rest, Princess. I’m going to make a fire.” Fang closed the door behind him, leaving Re’ana alone in the dark cottage. She tested the mattresses and chose the on that provided the most padding on the wooden supports. She lay down on the creaking bed and shifted about trying to get more comfortable.
After tossing and turning for an hour, she stood up with a huff. Opening the door, she was greeted by the comforting warmth of the fire. Fang sat on a stone by the small fire pit facing the door, the orange glow basking his face in its hue. “Guard,” Re’ana said getting Fang’s attention. “Draw up some water for a bath. I want to clean up before turning in.”
Fang shook his head with a sigh. “I don’t know if you noticed, Princess; but, there isn’t a tub for you to bathe in or soaps for you to wash with. If you really want to wash then go for a dip.” Fang jutted his thumb over his shoulder to point at the lake.
“You expect me to wash in that filthy water?”
“You’re asking the only capable guard to ignore his duty to protect you so that he can boil water clean for you when there are things like wolves and goblins lurking in these woods. All due respect, Princess; but, my suggestion doesn’t sound like the unreasonable one.” He poked at the fire with a long stick, attempting to coax more fire from the charred logs. Re’ana let out a frustrated sigh and crossed her arms over her chest. When she realized that Fang wasn’t going to get the water for her, she shook her head and stormed off toward the edge of the lake, stepping behind a row of tall bushes that provided a barrier between her and Fang. Watching his figure, still sitting at the fire, she undressed and dipped her foot into the calm water. She bit her lip trying to hold in the yelp that threatened to announce itself when her skin touched the freezing cold water. She slowly began to wade into the pool, causing ripples to spread out toward the far shore. Her foot slipped in the muck that coated the bottom of the lake, plunging her whole body into the frigid water and released a scream of shock as she was chilled to the bone. Fang chuckled a little, just loud enough for Re’ana to hear, and threw another log onto the fire.
With shaking hands, Re’ana rubbed the frigid water over her goose-bump covered skin. The thought, This must be how commoners bathe, flittered through her mind. Having rinsed every inch of her trembling body, she stood up from the water and was greeted by the midnight air. Wrapping her thin arms around her body, she cursed under her breath at the realization that she didn’t bring a towel or blanket with her to dry off. She sat nude, yet dignified on a large boulder that sat between the lake and wall of bushes. She refused to ask Fang for anymore help. In fact, she didn’t plan on talking to him for the remainder of their stay at the safe house. Suddenly, a soft blanket collided with the back of her head. She turned, ready to chastise Fang for coming close enough to see a lady naked; but, as she peered through the leaves of the bushes, she saw that Fang had only taken one or two steps from the fire so that the blanket would reach. Wrapping the thin blanket around her trembling form and wiped away the droplets that still clung to her skin. Pulling on her under gown she sighed at her current situation. Stuck in the forest with a guard she detests with no servants to fetch whatever she may need.
Lost in thought about how terrible things were for her, Re’ana failed to notice the lumbering creature that approached her. She grasped, blindly, for her dress and pressed her hand against the creature’s oily skin. Drawing her hand back quickly, she spun around and came face-to-face with a creature that stood eight feet high. Wart covered skin gave off a greasy sheen in the firelight, and stringy hair hung from its nearly bare head. Re’ana’s month opened as if to scream; but, only a soft squeak came from her throat. Completely paralyzed with fear, she stood as ridged as a statue. Even as the creature came in close to sniff her several times, like a dog inspecting a new toy, she didn’t budge an inch. It reached out to grab Re’ana with a hand big enough to grip her torso. Re’ana’s mind screamed at her to run but her body refused to obey.
Re’ana could vaguely perceive Fang leaping onto the creature’s back, driving a dagger into the top of its shoulder. The beast bellowed in pain and began to thrash about. Fang held on tight as he was whipped about like a ragdoll attached to a bucking bronco. “Get a log from the fire!” Fang cried over the beast’s roars. Re’ana suddenly found her legs again and ran to the small fire Fang had been sitting at. She picked up one of the logs, the end still on burning with a small flame, and ran back to where Fang was holding on desperately to the creature’s back as it grabbed at him with its grubby hands. She waved it back and forth in front of the creature, which gave out a fearful roar, striking its arm by accident. The fire that licked off the log spread quickly over the creature’s oil covered arm. Fang jumped off of the creature’s back and charged at Re’ana, tackling her into the water. The fire spread across the creature’s flesh, completely engulfing the beast. Re’ana fought to break free of the water that was so cold that it hurt. Fang continued to keep her below the surface until they felt the shock of an explosion ripple through the water and fire stretching out over the lake before it dissipated into nothing.
Fang and Re’ana breached the water’s surface, gasping for air. The small cottage had been burned to the ground from the violent explosion that had left a crater at the edge of the lake. “What in all things holy was that?” Re’ana asked.
“A troll,” Fang replied as they drug themselves from the water. “They’re incredibly hard to kill in normal combat. That oil they secrete is like a fast healing salve to them, but it’s extremely flammable. Just a spark can set it off. After that they’re a bomb that will incinerate anything nearby.”
“Aria!” Re’ana cried in alarm.
“She’s fine. She ran off as soon as she smelled that brute. She’ll return once she knows it’s safe.” Fang dropped down next to the fire, which was ironically still burning, and rubbed his arms to get warm.
“Well, n…now what am I s…supposed to wear?” Re’ana said through her chattering teeth, her voice shaking from the cold. “That d…dumb troll b…burned my dress.”
“What you’re wearing now is fine, Princess. Besides that explosion burned up any clothes that might have been in the cottage.” Aria quietly came trotting back from the forest, sensing that the troll was no longer there. “There you go, Princess. Your mare has returned.” Re’ana ran to the chestnut mare, more relieved that she wouldn’t be alone with Fang than for Aria’s safety.
“I guess I should thank you.”
“Only doing my duty, Princess.” Fang stretched out on the ground close to the fire to keep warm.
“What are you doing?”
“Sleeping.”
“You’re the guard! You’re supposed to stay away and protect me!”
“The explosion from the troll would have driven any nearby dangers far away from here.”
“Where am I supposed to sleep?”
“There’s lots of ground. Pick a spot.”
“I don’t think so. I am royalty. I will not lie on the ground like some commoner. I demand you find me a suitable sleeping arrangement.” Fang turned his gaze toward Re’ana and gave her a steady glare.
“And just where do you propose I look? This forest goes on for miles and the open country is too dangerous to travel at night.”
“Well I expect you to do something. I will not sleep on the ground.”
Fang sighed as he stood up and inspected the destroyed cottage for anything that might satisfy Re’ana. Dragging the mostly charred mattresses back to the fire and stacked them up so that they might give enough comfort to satisfy the Princess. “There you go, your highness.” Fang returned to his place by the fire and covered his eyes with his arm. A soft snore signaled Fang’s descent into slumber. Re’ana lay down on the small stack of mattresses with an irritated sigh. Even the stack of mattresses was uncomfortable, but at least it wasn’t the ground. Sleep came in brief spats that lingered only for a moment before fluttering away.
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Top of the morning, NympheaLily here!
As you most likely know, I've read the newest chapter on review day and given a review and now, I shall read the rest of the story. I like how it set in the time period of kings and queens and peasants and such. And the dignity in which each character talks is certainly satisfying in context to time period. Did you read that in a hoity toity manner? I did. Anyway, enough about the time, let's move on to characters.
The princess' character was especially intriguing for me to read because most writers would make a new stereotype for princesses, making them tough or kind to the poor or a psychopathic murderer from the future that uses laser dragons to wipe out the population. You haven't heard of that one? Well maybe I'm getting a bit off topic. Sorry for rambling on about lasers.
Your princess seemed to fit the original mood, shall I say, for princesses. Re'ana has a whole lot of pride and when it gets the slightest bit wounded, she acts like it's the end of the world. She wants a price to come for her and serve her. I can tell she's not very fair, due to the way I imagine Leena talking to her. Re'ana seems like the classic prissy spoiled brat and I love that. It's definitely time to shake things up a bit with a spoiled heroine that does not know a life of struggle.
The one thing that I would fix, not saying that you have to of course, is that at Re'ana's party, the scene escalated a bit too quickly. Again, you don't have to change it if you don't want to, it was just a suggestion.
Well that's all I have for this chapter. I will definitely read the others and give reviews as well. And as always, KEEP THOSE FINGERS TYPING!
Ciao!
~NympheaLily
Hey there! Let's kick this out of the Green Room for you, shall we?
I was so excited that I had a first chapter to review! It's a nice change from jumping in on works. And if I let myself I think I could probably happily fall into munching this novel right up! You've got a pretty easy to read style which I love.
Some of your dialogue in the beginning feels a bit info-dumpy. I love it when people use dialogue to give information that would be boring given in other ways, but it's too soon here I think, and you can tell it's addressed at the reader; everyone else knows what the wall is for.
I feel a bit cheated... this is every Disney princess ever- not trying to be mean, but I could recite by memory what a typical princess in stories is like, what she says, etc. Make her memorable.
I love the whole paragraph where the Queen gives her a what-for about being thankful because it's awesome that she's actually trying to teach her daughter not to be a little brat. It felt really new, too, not just the usual "It's your duty!" speech.
I believe it's called a book.
I feel like his first response would be a bit more surprised and concerned, not just indifferent and ready to deal out a punishment which he doesn't even know what it's for. I think my dad would be like "What did he do? Did he hurt you? WHO IS THIS SON OF A--" etc. I mean, I guess if they know the princess - which I'm sure he does - than he's probably used to her being overly dramatic.
I feel like for the longest time there I wasn't reading anything new, and I kept wondering when the story would kick-off! I don't think it's really all that needed that you start off the novel basically painting that your MC is a spoiled brat (no offence intended). I think you could have probably done that in one paragraph and then gotten into the juicy stuff- where Fang shows up and one the action starts happening.
I also just feel like I don't have any sort of feeling for the MC other than I'm not too fond of her. You might want to give her a FEW likeable traits in the beginning, because if we don't like the character, or find her very interesting, chances are we won't keep reading- which is lame because I think you have a more interesting character in mind. Remember, the beginning needs to hook us- start out in the thick of things, and give us intriguing characters- if we don't like your characters a little bit, we won't care what happens to them, no matter how terrible it is.
Other than that I think you're off to a good start! I do agree with the reviewer below though: this is very very long- you'd get far more reviews/comments/likes/followers if you broke it up a bit, trust me. Something this long is hard to read and review all in one go. Nice work though! Keep it up!!!
-Socks
Believe it or not, this is actually a first draft. I have actually done a little more with this chapter, even split it into two of them.
On Re'ana, I have purposefully left her rather bland and created a feeling of dislike with her. In the near future, she will have a huge attitude adjustment. My suggestion would be to looking my more completed chapters, that I do have separated by about two thousand words sections. I really hope you will look into my other chapters and give my your opinion on the story.
Don't worry, I realize it's a first draft! I post first drafts on here all the time and mine are DREADFUL- but that's why I post them, so I have people's advice on how to make it work better.

It's okay if you're trying to make her a brat, and it's awesome that's she's going to have an attitude adjustment, but what I'm saying is generally even horrible horrible people have some likeable traits, and I'm sure Re'ana does too... but we don't really see those traits... which makes it hard to keep reading about her, because there's little hope. These are just suggestions though! Do whatever you want!
Weeee, that was a fun read! Thanks for sharing your story! I've absolutely fallen in love with your cast of characters. Fang is very memorable, and it's nice to have someone in the story who is voicing our opinions as a reader. I like that he's the only one not taking Re'ana's crap. There's also such a good feeling around the queen and king. You really have to be good when you can get a kind of aura around a fictional character! She's so regal and he's so gentle. It's just great.
My main thing I would say is the pacing. I felt very breathless reading it. Sometimes we as writers fall into moving so fast because writing takes longer than reading. It messes with our sense of time. It might be healthy sometimes to forbid yourself from reading one of your chapters for a week or two (keep writing the other chapters, of course!) and then come back to it when the details have gotten a little blurry. That gives you a chance to read it as if you're the audience.
There needs to be more ebb and flow. I love that you have such a clear sense of direction, and not a word is wasted in getting where you need to be (that's something I struggle with...I ramble in my writing, as I'm sure you can tell from this review :p), but a good story is like good music. You need long notes, quick notes, loud parts, quiet parts, rests and fermatas. This felt like a good pianist playing "Chopsticks": Da da da da da da--good technique, but delivered very evenly and quickly. You have a lot of good chances for Ambience here. I would print this off and mark down what scenes you want to spend more time on, such as the queen's entrance or Re'ana's scary "dream" with the T'vi. Focus on thinking in questions; stories are a form of communication. How do you want your reader to feel? Amused, scared, eager to see how Re'ana will change?
Also, there are at least four or five chapters in here. Chapters are a thing because we naturally have a mental reaction to punctuation and paragraph breaks. Even if you're so hooked on a book that you read the whole thing in five or six hours, those chapter breaks give you time to rest and collect their thoughts. And you definitely want your readers collecting their thoughts. Because that's where they're interacting with and reacting to your world: in their heads. Also, breaking it up into smaller chapters will help to get more people reading and reviewing your work. And that's always a plus!
I would say characters are a big strength of yours. It's hard to write a brat in a way that your readers will be okay with it. But you've communicated to me really well that she's not a horrible person, she's just emotionally an infant, and you've promised me as a reader that she's going to go through that growth. And I am interested to see that growth. Maybe one way to get me more invested is to emphasize how badly this kingdom needs her to grow. You had a scene where food was being given to peasants, and another when the princess was among the people. You have a party/ballroom scene, where Re'ana is with the lords and ladies who have their own families and livelihoods (and concerns about the current heir apparent). You have guards who might have lost limb or loved one defending the wall. Any of these would be a great place to give a name and a face to the dire consequences of a brat taking the throne. It adds a few more characters, but an extra here and there with their own secret story can make the world more real; after all, everyone you pass on the street has a face, a name, and a story. Also, having "real" people around makes everything more vulnerable to the dangers outside the wall. It will raise the stakes. So much rests on whether or not this bratty princess will grow up! We want to see everything work out!
Another thing I would be aware of is your PoV. Sometimes it feels like third person omniscient, other times third person limited. If you want to do a mix of the two, that's perfectly fine, you just have to do it very consciously. It's kind of like mixing your own color with paints: you have to make sure you get it all evenly and perfectly mixed. No clumps or streaks of either separate color.
For specific stuff:
Concerning the trainer whipping the horse: you have your own world you've built, but I'm going off the assumption that it's medieval-based. Horses were soooo expensive. If this trader sells horses of the quality that the king would buy, there's no way he'd allow someone to put marks on his wares, regardless of how inexperienced he is. Perhaps there's some other sort of cruelty the horse can undergo without the whip? Maybe there's a rock in her foot that's hurting bad enough to split her hoof, and no one notices? Or, since they're trying to break her and she's struggling, the bit in her mouth hurts really bad, but she's too stubborn to obey to avoid the pain? And, this one's a nitpick so do with it what you will, but because horses are so social, personalities within a herd are contagious. If there's a horse that wild, they would want her separated far enough that she couldn't influence the rest of their stock.
Another thing concerning the horse:
Here you've set up a rule that the princess is the only one who can handle Aria, or you could say, Aria will refuse to be ridden by anyone other than Re'ana.
When she was such a trouble for the horse traders, why would she be okay with Fang? If there's a reason, find a way to promise your reader you'll explain later. Or acknowledge that it's odd--"Re'ana was annoyed that he could ride Aria, too. That traitorous horse! She thought they had something special!" Otherwise, you broke the rule the same chapter you wrote it.
All in all, though, it's a really fun story. I think pacing would straighten it out beautifully. You have fun characters and you have a great sense of placing with your plot points. I don't know if you're doing it instinctively or consciously, but you're following good story structures. You've displayed your world and your cast, and you've created an imbalance that we naturally feel uncomfortable with and want righted (bratty ruler-to-be and dangers outside the wall), you've thrust our characters out into the adventure, and you've gotten them into a pinch. The whole sequence of that was really well done.
Well, this review was longer than I meant it, but it was a long piece. :p I look forward to seeing more. Good luck!
I would first like to say that I greatly appreciate your review. I see every critique as a chance to improve my ability to write. I would like to address each of your points and give you my own thoughts in an attempt to help work things out with you.
Addressing pacing, I agree with you that it is one of the many things that I struggle with as a writer. I have a hard time with long down periods. Parts of the story that seem to have no reason for being there. So I try to limit the amount I put in my stories, of course this also means that I end up with none at all. I am still working on this chapter and trying to see where I can add a few pieces that will help even it out.
Addressing the chapters, I see chapters within a story as small novels all their own. Each having their own build up, climax, and drop. This particular chapter not only sets up the foundation for the characters but also is themed around the celebration that Re'ana is having for her nineteenth birthday. As this was a continuous theme I felt that it would fit going together. However, if I embellish on a few scenes within the first chapter I could see breaking it up into two in order to keep the flow moving forward. As far as there being four or five, I could see where you see that, but it would make the chapters too short in my opinion. I have read too many books that I keep having these pauses just as I am really getting into the feeling of the story. Chapters are used to give breaks in a story, yes, but having too many is like adding a speed bump every five feet on a road, it starts to become more aggravating than helpful.
Your comment of adding just a few "real" people to the story actually has me intrigued. I would agree that my strength is in creating characters. (Hell, I have a document on each of my main protagonists and antagonists that places their backgrounds, strengths, and weaknesses together for every story I write.) But I sometimes forget to have a few not so important characters that are used to strengthen the reality of the story, not just move it forward. This is something I am going to work on.
nitpicks:
You are correct in your assumption that this is medieval based and you would also be correct that a trader would not have his wares marked with an sort of whip. However, in medieval times, much like today, there are special kinds of whips that are designed to create the pain without blemishing the horse. These whips are very common with horse trainers and the like during the medieval period. Me describing that it is this special sort of whip would drag down the story and put too much detail on something that is really unimportant. But thank you for putting thought toward this and looking for alternate ideas. I couldn't use the rock idea. One for the fact that it wouldn't be the idea that the training wasn't working, and two if it hurts that bad the horse will take their weight off of the foot, signaling the trainers that something is wrong. With a horses hooves having that great of importance, they would ensure that nothing would damage them in such a way. Addressing the idea of the horse's personality being contagious, you are absolutely correct, however, there are times when a horse that will conform to the methods of the herd will also ignore those it does not deem part of the herd, such as the trainers.
Your mentioning of my slip up with Aria letting Fang ride is completely on point. There is something specific that I have planned for the relationship between Aria and Re'ana and I broke the idea that I was beginning to set into place. I had thought that in the heat of the moment when their very lives are in danger, though Re'ana had no problem voice her complaints about a lack of a saddle, that she would be more interested in escaping then why her horse took another rider.
To address your not of my placement of plot points. I would have to say that I am doing it both instinctively and consciously. You see, I don't see my stories in a series of events, where I sit down trying to figure out what comes next. I envision these scenes that I would like to take place at some point in the story, they have a sort of order to them but nothing definitive. When I get to a point that they scene in my head fits I begin bridging my current placement and the scene I am trying to create.
Please continue to read my stories. I would love to have more feedback from you.
Thanks for your reply! I like a little back and forth. It feels like a real workshop. ^^
Concerning chapters, it's true that in their own right they're their own novels. Theme is a good connection, but I'd also look at passage of time and number of settings. In this one chapter you have tutor room, hallway, library, bedroom, garden, back to the libary, the road, Nortshire manor, her Nortshire bedroom, the kitchen, the horse pasture, the shops and carnival, the ball, The cottage, and finally the lake and ruined-cottage campsite. All that happening in three days and three nights. That's a toooon happening for one chapter. Each of those scenes have their own rise and fall, especially with the gypsy carnival, or those fun moments with Fang and Re'ana.
I've seen both long and short chapters done well, so ultimately it's a style choice that's completely up to you. If you choose to go long, though, I would at least have paragraph breaks where there's a big passage of time, like between falling asleep after meeting Fang and waking up to talk to her dad. I think that would help with the breathlessness. Since you're definitely not the kind to end chapters with a cheap cliffhanger (or at least that's not what I've felt, stylistically :p), I would think of chapter breaks as blackouts in a play. If your story were on stage, where would you turn off the lights and let the audience clap for a while?
("Mistborn" by Brandon Sanderson has chapters that are way longer than I'm usually comfortable with, but he does it really well. I don't know why exactly it worked that time; I'll have to read it again. It could make for a good study.)
When I originally wrote this, on my Microsoft Word, there were several paragraph breaks that marked the passage of time, sadly I wasn't able to get the program here to implement them. Maybe I should add a little mark to show the break. I hadn't thought of doing that till now. Thanks.