z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Moonlight Saga: Lost Throne ~ Chapter 2.1 - Look Who Crashed the Party

by XxXTheSwordsmanXxX


When the morning dawned on the peaceful town, the villagers began their preparations for Re'ana's coming celebration. Ribbon was draped between the closely packed buildings and wreaths of flowers of every color were hung from the windows of the buildings lining the street. The guards lined the road as the royal family paraded down the main road. Re'ana plastered on a fake smile and waved to the common folk who, she knew, would rather be in their homes and tending their shops than standing in the hot sun to celebrate her birthday. Of course, all of this show was just to get them to the stables, where her future steed was waiting to be chosen by her.

The large pasture was divided by a wooden fence that kept the mares from the stallions. “My lovely Princess,” a large man said rushing up to her. “Welcome to Northshire Fields. I hope that you have been having a pleasant stay.”

“Quite,” Re'ana said. Putting aside her interactions with Fang, her stay had been perfect. “I am here to select a horse.”

“Of course, my lady. Did you have something in mind? Or would you like to look about first?”

“I would like a mare. Not too temperamental, but with a strong spirit, and she must be well trained.”

“I have the perfect horse for you, my lady.” The man led the small group to a horse that would be considered the perfection of equestrian form. A bright white coat, like freshly fallen snow, covered her powerful form and listening intently to the verbal commands of her trainer. “This is Winter. The finest mare I have ever trained and more than a match for your royal request, Princess.”

Re'ana marveled as the mare would trot, stop, and walk backwards with just a simple command from the trainer; but another horse caught her eye. She stood just in Re'ana's peripheral and watched her with a strange intensity. Re'ana turned her gaze to the chestnut mare and saw that it was a little smaller than Winter and probably a little younger. The mare was currently ignoring her trainer's commands as she matched Re'ana gaze. A sudden crack of a whip across her shoulder drew a sharp whinny from the equestrian and, for some strange reason, a dull ache in Re'ana's shoulder. The chestnut mare turned back to her trainer and started listening to his commands once again. “What about that horse?”

“Oh, I don't think that one would be a good choice, Princess,” the man said waving his hands frantically back and forth. “Aria is still being broken in. She won't even take a rider yet.”

Re'ana heard the mare let out another pained whinny and a feeling of pain ache in her shoulder once again. “Maybe it's because she doesn't appreciate being whipped,” she said as she walked toward Aria. She ran her hand along Aria's jaw as she made her way to the saddle strapped to the mare's back.

“Princess, please come away from her. She's dangerous. She'll kill you.” Re'ana hesitated before she pulled herself up into the saddle. She grabbed the riding horn tightly, expecting to be bucked.

But, Aria remained perfectly still. Waiting patiently for Re'ana's commands, much to the shock of the trainers around her. With a gentle nudge to her sides from Re'ana's heels, Aria started off into a gentle canter. “I...I don't believe it,” the man said.

Re'ana let out a nervous giggle as she rode around the training field. “I believe that she's made her decision,” the king said with a wide grin on his bearded face.

Re'ana looked over to the white horse that was currently trotting around the field. She looked back to Aria and a gentle smile spread over her thin lips. “Yes, I would like to take Aria. She seems to have taken a liking to me,” she said as she patted her neck. Climbing from her back, Re'ana walked back toward her parents.

Aria began to follow her before the crack of a whip stopped her in her tracks. Re'ana turned on her heel and glared at the trainer holding the whip. “Strike my horse again and I will see to it that you feel her pain ten times over!” Re'ana cried, staring down the trainer. He quickly regretted his action and backed away from the guards that were moving towards him should Re'ana give the command.

“Princess, he is just inexperienced. He didn't know what he was doing,” the man said nervously.

Re'ana huffed and turned her back on the trainer and left him trembling as she left the fields. Returning to the carriage, she was pleasantly surprised to see Aria being tied up to the back of the carriage. “Well, I have to say that you put the fear of god in him,” Mirana said with a gentle smile playing on her lips. “Perhaps a little loud, but you handled that very well.” Re'ana smiled back at her mother from the compliment that she was being given.

A day of going from shop to shop followed. She chose a cake that would be presented at her birthday celebration that evening as well as the decorations that would fill the mansion by the time the sun set. Re'ana sighed as she continued to wave to the people lining the street. Her cheeks starting to feel sore from the fake smile she had on her face.

Re'ana paused a moment when she heard the sound of music and laughter. “Oh,” she said idly. “It appears there is a carnival.” She leaned out of the carriage a little to try to get a better view. She could see a crowd of people working their way back between the spectators at the side of the road and the ordered line of horses and carriages. Men and women danced about to a lively tune, played on violins, drums, and flutes. Re'ana watched them with a quiet smile on her face, until one of the ladies in waiting across from her scoffed.

“Elves,” she said with disdain.

“Gypsies,” said the other. “Supposedly, they'll use their magic to put you in a trance so they can rob you blind or curse you so that all of your hair falls out.” Re'ana looked to the dancing people, dressed in vibrant colors. Their faces were narrower than most people and the peak of their ears had a definitive point.


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524 Reviews


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Sun Nov 27, 2016 12:40 am
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felistia wrote a review...



Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day. :D

Nit-picks

“Quite,” Re'ana said. Putting aside her interactions with Fang, her stay had been perfect.
Apparently she forgot about her little encounter with the T'vi.

Re'ana marveled as the mare would trot, stop, and walk backwards with just a simple command from the trainer; but another horse caught her eye. She stood just in Re'ana's peripheral and watched her with a strange intensity. Re'ana turned her gaze to the chestnut mare and saw that it was a little smaller than Winter and probably a little younger. The mare was currently ignoring her trainer's commands as she matched Re'ana gaze. A sudden crack of a whip across her shoulder drew a sharp whinny from the equestrian and, for some strange reason, a dull ache in Re'ana's shoulder. The chestnut mare turned back to her trainer and started listening to his commands once again. “What about that horse?”
This paragraph was a bit confusing to read. I think you should go back and check the grammar and punctuation. It also needs to be more than one paragraph.

“Elves,” she said with disdain.

“Gypsies,” said the other. “Supposedly, they'll use their magic to put you in a trance so they can rob you blind or curse you so that all of your hair falls out.” Re'ana looked to the dancing people, dressed in vibrant colors. Their faces were narrower than most people and the peak of their ears had a definitive point.
Ah so there are also Elves in this world. Hmm, didn't realize that this world was so diverse in creatures.

Overall thoughts

Once again I really like the way you are pacing the story. It isn't going to slow, but it isn't going to fast either.

You also keep implementing new story arcs. Aria seems to have an almost magical connection to Re'ana. I've seen this before and it can be a great way to strengthen the relationship between the horse and it's owner.

Re'ana also seems to have dropped her attitude a bit since getting Aria. We'll see how that goes as the story progresses.

Overall this was a great chapter and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. :D

Your friend, Felistia. :D

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Sun Apr 03, 2016 8:17 pm
Spartan118 wrote a review...



I am going to review all your work today so yea and I hope you like all my reviews cause I am a loyal follower of your works. I liked this one cause it's about Re'ana getting her very own horse. The story this time was really short compared to your other works for this story and I feel there is a lot missing to this part. I will always follow this story and the rest of your works cause I feel you have a lot of talent and you use it perfectly. Even though this was a short part of the story and I still love it cause it's a good series. I hope to make this long cause it's review day and I want to make everyone I review happy and excited cause I left a decent size review. I see that you have used a few words though you use them with so much passion that they seem miniscule. I really hope you like these reviews cause I know I like writing them on your works. As always you dint have any errors as far as I can tell and that's something you gotta look at yourself cause I passed English with ds so yea.





If you can't get out of your comfort zone, you'll never find what you're looking for. Don't make things quick and easy to feel better short term. Make a change and then you'll feel better longer term.
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