E - Everyone Violence

Moonlight Saga: Lost Throne ~ Chapter 3.3 - Transformation

A deep growl rumbled overhead causing all three to look up at the dark clouds that were sweeping across the sky. The wolf and Aria started off into a quickened pace that lead them deeper into the forest. Re’ana’s eyes were locked on the wolf that currently led them. She would occasionally pull the reins to try to get Aria to turn away from the wolf. Aria refused to listen to the pulling of the reins and continued in line with the wolf.

Re’ana crossed her arms and let out an irritated huff. “I hope you know what you’re doing. I knew I should have chosen that other horse,” Re’ana stated. When she felt the first drops of rain fall on her scalp she let out a grumbling groan. “I’m gonna get soaked because you won’t listen to me. Where is that guard?” The wolf stopped suddenly and turned to the horse and girl. Aria leaned her head down as if the wolf and horse were having a secret conversation. Without a sound the wolf bounded off into the woods, leaving Aria and Re’ana. “Where is he going?!” Re’ana muttered as Aria continued in the direction she had been walking.

The sun was starting to set, though that was difficult to see with the heavy rain clouds that blanketed the sky. Since the wolf left, Re’ana hadn’t stopped complaining. How it was starting to rain and Fang was still missing. Aria had given out several snorts as if to display her annoyance at the ceaseless stream of words. The gentle glow of a fire caught Re’ana’s attention. A small fire burned defiantly in the mouth of a gloomy cave. As the rain began to come down harder, pelting the horse and princess with droplets of water, Aria stopped outside ominous opening in the stone. “You must be joking,” Re’ana remarked. “What kind of princess sleeps in a dark cave? We are heading back to the clearing so that guard can build me a proper shelter.” She gave Aria’s flanks a nudge with her heels and the equestrian remained still. Re’ana began to drive her bare heels into Aria’s sides harder and harder as her frustration grew. She gave out a frustrated scream and dropped down to the dampening earth. She stormed into the cover of the cave and sat by the fire, brooding on her lack of control of the situation.

The heavens released their bounty of life giving rain onto the land. Lightning cracked across the sky and thunder boomed through the air. Despite the indignity of it, Re’ana was glad to be out of the rain. She pulled the book she had found from the thin waist band of her under-gown that held the middle of her clothing to her waist, and ran her fingers over the slightly singed cover. She didn’t hear the voices approaching over the rain until it was too late. “Well, well, well. Looky here, boys,” a gruff man said, making Re’ana jump. The man stood at the cave mouth, dressed in a tattered tunic and pants. A grin was spread over his unshaved features. The men behind him, still standing in the rain, quieted down when they saw her. “We go out for a few hours and a nice, young woman appears in our camp dressed in only her under garments. Must be our lucky day.”

“Hello, gentlemen,” Re’ana said sitting up a little straighter, as she was taught to do all her life in the presence of other people. “I am Princess Re’ana, and I will be resting here for the night. Thank you for you hospitality.”

“Princess, huh?” the man said stepping into the cave. “Well, ‘princess’, where is your escort?”

“The loathsome cur ran off sometime this morning.”

“Really? Well, maybe we can keep you company tonight. Or perhaps you can keep us company in exchange for your accommodations.”

Re’ana quickly caught on to the man’s suggestion and the way he gaze over her body in hunger. “I am not some harlot for you to take pleasure in. I am a princess. I should have you whipped for speaking to me in such a way.”

“Oh, you’re scary when you’re mad,” the man mocked. “You obviously don’t understand how the world really works. Inside your wall, you have everyone wait on you hand and foot. Out here, you will be repaying that service.” He lunged at her, grabbing her roughly by the arm. Re’ana screamed and started beating the book against his arm. “Looks like we got some fire in this one, boys! Let’s show her a good time!” he flung her toward the small group of men that were waiting anxiously outside in the pouring rain. Re’ana screamed and tried desperately to pull away from the grasping hands that were molesting and groping her body and tearing her clothes.

All around her she heard the excited calls and jeering laughter. Re’ana’s mind flew into a panic, unable to tell one man’s voice from another. Her only thought was the horrors that she was about to experience at the hands of the bandits that currently entrapped her. Suddenly, a man’s agonized scream joined Re’ana’s. One of the men near the back of the group stumbled away holding the bloody stump where his arm used to be. Everyone stared in shock as the man fell and bled out onto the saturated earth. Another cry went up, followed by a third, and the group quickly realized they were under attack. They fumbled for their weapons as three more fell down missing an arm, leg, or their head. Re’ana was released, and she quickly crawled away from the carnage and hid beneath Aria.

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
Featherstone
Review

Hey Swordsman, Feather here to review!

Firstly: I liked it overall. It was easy to follow, with a good story and characters. I didn't see many grammatical/spelling/punctuation errors, so that is always a plus.

The only one I did see was "She gave Aria’s flanks a nudge with her heels and the equestrian remained still." I believe that it should say equine instead of equestrian. I'm not a horse person, but if I'm not mistaken a person who works with horses is called an equestrian and a horse or similar species is an equine.

Also, check your tenses. When writing in past tense, I am sure all of us our guilty one time or another of accidentally switching to present tense.

I would also suggest the use of more pronouns or synonyms, particularly in the first paragraph. For instance, instead of repeated 'wolf' you could say canid, cur, creature, carnivore, mongrel, predator, or even dog. You could also say 'it' or 'she' or 'he.' If it has a name, you can use that.

I liked the story, but I think it could use some touch-ups and more pronouns/synonyms instead of the repeated use of a single word.

Keep on writing!

Featherstone9086

User avatar
felistia
Review

Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day. :D

Nit-picks

“I hope you know what you’re doing. I knew I should have chosen that other horse,” Re’ana stated.
now she'd even having a go at Aria. It's a wonder if this girl has any friends.

Grammar and Punctuation

You had a few places where you missed a word or miss spelled a word. If I where you I'd have a read through and see if you can fix the mistakes.

Overall thoughts

This chapter was a bit more adult than I was expecting and although not blatantly stated, there were a few things in here that made me uncomfortable. If I where you I'd rate this at least 16 or just put a note at the beginning of the chapter.

Anyway, It's good to see either this wolf or Fang has come back, but then I could be wrong and there's something more sinister to this.

It seems as we progress through the story, Re'ana's getting more and more harsh tastes of what the outside world is like. I'd have though that her personality would have changed a bit by now. I think it would be best if you started changing her attitude as she's really starting to become a character I don't want to support. I can understand the beginning of the story and why she was like that. Now though she should have changed at least a little. :D

Overall this was a great chapter and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. :D

Your friend, Felistia. :D

This review courtesy of Image



Inspiration usually comes during work, rather than before it.
— Madeleine L'Engle, Author