z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Moonlight Saga: Lost Throne ~ Chapter 1.5 (Final) - First Meetings

by XxXTheSwordsmanXxX


To her embarrassment she found that no one was there. Only the gentle glow of coals of the fire that had burned beneath a black pot and the cooking counter that filled the center of the kitchen. A large table on the far side of the room would be used for the servants eat at. She let out a huff as she waited for a moment to see if anyone would come. With an irritated scowl she grabbed a nearby bell and began to ring it incessantly.

Leena quickly came in through the servant's entrance trying to rub the sleep from her eyes and her brunette hair in disarray. “Yes, Princess? How can I be of service?” she said softly. Re'ana could hear the remnants of sleep in her voice.

“I want something to drink, and while you’re at it, make me something to eat as well,” Re'ana commanded before she brushed off a stool and sat down on it, avoiding having to return to her room. Leena quickly got to work pouring a drink and getting a fire going for the cook. Hurrying through the door that she had entered from she hurriedly woke the cook.

A man dressed in a hastily tied smock and a hat that sat crocked on his mussed up hair arrived a little later with Leena right behind him. He grabbed random ingredients and threw them into the black pot to cook as the fire began to burn in the hearth. Only the crackling of the fire and the bubbling of the food made any noise between the three of them.

In her boredom, Re'ana began to think back on how long she had known Leena. The woman had been made her lady in waiting several years ago, but she knew almost nothing about her. What does it matter? she thought to herself. She is just a servant afterall. She dismissed the thought as quickly as it arrived to play with a rolling pin, pushing it back and forth on the counter.

“Mmmmm! Something smells good,” Fang said as he stepped through the door into the kitchen. He held a thick leather bound book under one arm as he bit into an apple in his other hand. His gaze fell on Re'ana sitting in the corner wearing her night robe. “Evening, Princess. Still having trouble sleeping, I see.” Re'ana released an irritated sigh and rolled her eyes to look as far away from him as possible. “Still mad at me for disappearing on you the other night, huh?”

“For your information, you have such little bearing in my life that I hardly remember the incident,” Re'ana said nonchalantly.

“Apparently, I had some barring. You're still upset,” Fang said with a wolfish grin.

Re'ana ground her teeth at Fang's disregard for her authority but she was too hungry to fight with him. Sitting at the table and setting the large leather bound book down, he opened it to one of the center pages.

“Didn't think a commoner like you would have the ability to read,” Re'ana snapped.

“And I'm sure you already know every word written in this book just by looking at its cover.” Fang retorted back as he flipped through the pages.

She caught a glimpse of a drawing depicting a shrouded figure on one of the pages. “Wait!” she cried, jumping up from the stool. Fang and Leena both looked to her, a little startled by her sudden unladylike outburst. She immediately regretted saying anything in such a loud voice. “That book...What is it?” she asked.

“It's a tome of different creatures that one might see outside the wall. Sometimes they get inside and knowing how to deal with them is the difference between life and death.”

“And the drawing on that page?”

Fang looked at the page and then back to Re'ana. “That's an image of the T'vi. One of the few people that actually saw one and lived managed to draw that before his mind completely snapped.”

Re'ana swallowed a little at the description of the creature. “Does anyone know anything about them?”

“Why the sudden interest? You act like you've seen one of these things.”

“I had a dream about something that looked like that.” Re’ana’s voice was laced with fear as she spoke. Leena looked to her with concern as it was not something in Re'ana's character to reveal her fear.

Fang's normally grin bearing face was suddenly serious. Flipping to the page with the most information on the T'vi, he pushed the book toward Re'ana. Only half of the page was filled with the scrawling of information about the wraith-like creature. Fang took another bite out of the apple as Re'ana sat down. “Not much is known about the T'vi. They aren't seen much. Well, at least few have seen them and lived to tell the tale or kept their sanity. The small information that is known is that they supposedly have some magical ability and will abduct people at night. What happens to those that they take isn't known, but few are ever seen again. Those that are seen are either insane or complete servants to the T’vi.”

Re'ana flipped through the pages idly. “How come you know so much about them?”

“I knew a man who survived an attack from a T'vi. Before his mind was completely lost he told me about them in broken sentences.”

Re'ana nodded as she closed the book. “Well, I guess I'm glad that you're so knowledgeable about them. Should they come then you'll know how to drive them away.”

Fang huffed a little. “There is no driving them away. You see one; you start running and don't look back.” He tossed the apple core into a basket of food scraps before grabbing the book and taking it out of the kitchen. “Just remember. If you really do see one, don't let it in. For some reason they can't enter a house without being invited in.”

She let out a frustrated growl as Fang disappeared into the hall. “God I hate him.”

“He didn't seem all bad,” Leena idly remarked as she placed the glass and steaming bowl in front of Re'ana.

“Such disregard for social standings. He has little more manners than a pig.” Re'ana held the eating utensil between her index finger and thumb, as she had been taught to do for years. She would champ down on the food in a most inelegant manner in her frustration with the night clad guard. After a few moments, the food in the bowl was reduced to crumbs and the glass sat empty. Re'ana reluctantly returned to her room, leaving Leena and the cook to clean up the mess.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
524 Reviews


Points: 7146
Reviews: 524

Donate
Sun Nov 27, 2016 12:24 am
View Likes
felistia wrote a review...



Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day. :D

Nit-picks

Hurrying through the door that she had entered from she hurriedly woke the cook.
This sentence really needs some work. I know what you're trying to say, but it's a bit clumsy. Read the sentence aloud and see what you want to say instead of what's there.

“Apparently, I had some barring. You're still upset,” Fang said with a wolfish grin.
Oo he is so asking for it. Anyway, this was a great way to show off some more of Fang's character. He kind of reminds me of my dad.

“Not much is known about the T'vi. They aren't seen much. Well, at least few have seen them and lived to tell the tale or kept their sanity. The small information that is known is that they supposedly have some magical ability and will abduct people at night. What happens to those that they take isn't known, but few are ever seen again. Those that are seen are either insane or complete servants to the T’vi.”
So that's what that thing was. Ooo and you just made it even more creepy. I hope I'll find more out about the T'vi soon. :D


Overall thoughts

The biggest thing that I noticed in this chapter was the different side of Fang. He seems to have a more joking side to him as well as his creepy side.

Another question I have now, is if Fang didn't scare the T'vi away, then who did?

I love the way you keep a reader interested in the story. I can't believe that you haven't got more reviews. Well don't worry. You've got me hooked and I plan to read as much as I can today. :D

Overall this was a great chapter and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. :D

Your friend, Felistia. :D

p.s sorry about the short review. It's because I just want to carry on reading. :D

This review courtesy of Image




User avatar
377 Reviews


Points: 22732
Reviews: 377

Donate
Sun Apr 03, 2016 11:52 pm
seeminglymeaningless wrote a review...



Swordsman,

We meet again! :)

Well, it looks like some other things happened in prior chapters, so once again I'm entering blind.

That said, critique sandwich time.

1. What did I like about this piece?
> It was interesting to see that Re'ana has some thought for her maidservant. Perhaps her upbringing did cause her to think little of her servants and if so, thinking about Leena now should unsettle her a little more than it does.

> Fang's character is a little more developed and I sort of like his characterisation.

> There's more interaction between the characters in this chapter, instead of being lopsided with characters taking turns in the spotlight.

2. What specific points need improvement?
> Again you have the issue with periods and spaces in some parts.

> Leena should not have appeared tired. Instead, Re'ana should notice it somehow. A proper servant would not want wrath by not serving with all their will. She then goes on to grab random things to cook. I don't know where the characters are, but from the sounds of it they are somewhere that has access to ingredients, a bell and a solid table. This makes me wonder where they could possibly be and why Re'ana didn't just get dinner/lunch from somewhere sensible. It would be easier, you'd think, to demand a servant to fetch what she desired, as opposed to accepting what would probably be less than delicious from what a maid would cook.

> Fang's familiarity with the princess is definitely not appropriate. I find that a little annoying as he must have something really really special about him if he can treat the princess this way ;)

> "wolfish grinned" - grin

> T'vi - don't tell me, Re'ana's one of them because of the apostrophe in her name :3 Seriously though, the T'vi sound a little overpowered. They can just snatch people away and drive them insane? And "shrouded figure" is all the description you give of this species. Does that automatically mean they should be wary of anyone in a robe?>

3. What are my concluding thoughts?
> This is definitely a better chapter than the one I read before. You do seem to write a lot of info-dumping scenes where Re'ana has to be told all sorts of information instead of finding them out herself. Perhaps this is something that changes as Re'ana matures?

I hope this review helped in some way!

All the best,
Jai






I really appreciate your reviews and I hope that you continue to real the rest of this story. Your input has been most helpful in working a few things out. Now to address your review.

The periods and spaces seem to be an issue with the conversion of my documents to this. I will make sure to do a once over to make sure that everything is where it is supposed to be.

In regards to where they are, I sort of imagined it as the kitchen of the area. However, you are right. I need something that forces her to go to the kitchen in the middle of the night. Perhaps not being able to get anyone's attention that late at night. I will look into it.

Fang is not really being familiar. It is more like what her father said before. She has not earned his respect. He will be courteous and follow some etiquette. But until she earns his respect, she will have to put up with his attitude

No Re'ana is not one of the T'vi. They are something mysterious that no one really knows anything about. They only have one sketch of it and they are only seen at night. The T'vi are a little, overpowered, but with what they are (Not to be revealed for some time) actually makes sense when they are revealed. The description is a little lacking for an idea to the reader and I will address that.

The info-dumping is something that I couldn't really avoid. I spent months on this chapter trying to avoid the info-dumps, but I couldn't do it. In the next chapter there is nothing to really address the information. However, I realize that this may be an info dump, there is a lot more information that I have yet to reveal that will be discovered.

Thank you again for the review.





Swords,
I think I will read the other chapters as it'll give me a better idea of the origins of your characters. You're in for it now :P

I sort of feel as if Fang can still be a respectless older man without being cheery about it and rubbing the lack of etiquette in. Again, how much is lost if Fang doesn't completely break the realms of believability, only touches the improper?

If not much is known about the T'vi, why is the cover of a published book sporting their likeliness? Wouldn't the T'vi have but a small, vague page of the book dedicated to their sightings? I'm nit-picking here.

If the T'vi are integral to the plot why does Re'ana need to find out this information about them now? And could she not hear about it from someone else? Could she demand Leena to tell her a children's tale to fall asleep? Just suggestions. Let me know if I'm annoying you!

Cheers,
Jai




Writing is like love: the real thing is a lot less romantic
— dragonfphoenix