E - Everyone

Moonlight Saga: Lost Throne ~ Chapter 3.1 - Transformation

//* Author's note:  Please forgive the poem.  I am absolutely horrid at poetry.  Any help on that bit would be doubly appreciated.*//

When morning finally dawned over the tree line, Re’ana only felt like she had slept for an hour. The bright sun and a light blanket of dew was a horrible reminder to her that she was still out in the wilderness with Fang. Rolling over to ask what he had made her for breakfast. She was rendered silent when she saw that Fang was no longer in the place where he slept. In fact, Fang wasn’t anywhere in sight.

“Good for nothing guard,” Re’ana grumbled. “Guard!” Re’ana cupped her hands around her mouth as she screamed for Fang at the top of her lungs. She ground her teeth in frustration until Aria trotted up behind her. She quickly noticed the note pinned to the sack lain across Aria’s back:

I’m searching to see if it’s safe to return to the wall. I have friends watching over you while I’m gone. Do NOT leave the clearing. If you get hungry there is food in the sack. I will return by nightfall.

Fang

“Huh,” Re’ana said in surprise. “The barbarian can write too.” Re’ana opened the bag at the behest of her grumbling stomach. Pulling out the loaf of bread inside and the apple, she began to mumble to herself about how she shouldn’t be expected to make her own food and wished Leena was there at her every beck and call. She sat down in the shade of the trees and folded her arms across her chest. Even though she detested Fang, she hated being alone even more. “I know Fang sent you to watch over me.” Re’ana cried to the hidden vigils. “You can come out. I’m sure that you’re a lot better than that appalling Fang.” She waited a moment watching the forest in case anyone came to join her. After several minutes she screamed, “Fine! I’ll just sit here in silence!” She leaned herself against a tree in a dejected manner.

She began to daydream about a brave and gallant knight suddenly riding into the clearing and whisking her away to a castle. Where the servants treated her like the princess she was. Soft beds to sleep in and hot meals brought to her at her behest. Her day dream was a wonderful reprieve from the harsh reality; but, even this, would not last. Her day dream suddenly conjured up Fang as her guard, demanding that she sleep on the cold stone of the lowest dungeon and go without food. “Stupid guard!” she screamed. “Now he even invades my fantasies!? He could have at least left me with a book to read while I waited for him in return!” She picked up a nearby rock and flung it into the water, causing a small splash.

The day drug on and there was still no sign of Fang. Re’ana bit into the apple to appease her demanding stomach. In her boredom, she began rummaging through the debris of the cottage and gave out a joyful shriek when she saw the cover of a book beneath the beam that once held up the roof. She didn’t even care that her underdress was being smudged with soot and charcoal. She reached desperately for the book that her fingers just barely brushed. Pulling it little by little, she managed to retrieve the treasure from its burned prison. She hurried back to her tree and slowly opened the slightly charred cover. Reading the title she was less than enthused. “Legends and Lore. I guess it’s better than nothing.” She settled into the small crevasse of the tree and began to read about fair maidens outsmarting ugly ogres and witches pretending to be queens. The most curious story came in the form of a short poem right in the middle of the book:

Moon child, moon child, take care in where you rest your head,

Lest the creatures of the shadows fill you full of dread.

Moon child, moon child, take care in whom you trust,

A caring heart that is misplaced can lead you to the dust.

Moon child, moon child, take care in where you go,

For the places that the road takes you, may consume your soul.

Moon child, moon child, be fearful of the phantoms,

For when the sun and moon are one, the end of days has come.

Moon child, moon child, don’t let your spirit break,

Your life will be saved when the guardian awakes.

“That’s an odd poem,” Re’ana commented to herself. “It doesn’t even make sense.” She sighed as she closed the book and stared up at the sky. The sparse clouds streaked across the light blue sky as they lethargically made their way from one side of the clearing to the other. She wondered about her parents and if they were safe. If they were worrying about her like she was worrying about them. She closed her eyes once more as the gentle breeze swept through the clearing. Its soft caress calmed her fearful thoughts.

When the sun reached its peak in the sky, Re’ana had finished reading the last page of her book. She released an annoyed sigh as she rested her chin in her hand. “Where is that guard?” she asked herself. Her gaze fell onto Aria, who was currently grazing on the grass of the clearing. An idea began to corm in her mind. “I shouldn’t have to live like a commoner. I’m royalty and I deserve to be treated as such.” She promptly stood up and walked to Aria. Climbing up onto the equestrian’s back, Re’ana quietly gave a gentle nudge to Aria’s flanks with her heels making her start forward. Re’ana didn’t know which direction she was going, blaming that on Fang as well; but, she trusted that Aria knew where to go. The idea of returning to her castle dressed in only her under-gown didn’t thrill Re’ana. “I guess I don’t have much of a choice,” she sighed, looking down at her dirt and soot covered garment.

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
Casanova
Review

Heya, Swordsman! Casanova here to do a short review for you!

The first thing is the poem, which I won't be reviewing individually. I had this same idea to put a song I wrote into a story I wrote, and I felt like this was a really good additive to the . I really appreciate that, so thank you.
The next thing is paragraph breaking. I think we've been over this before, but as a reminder I would like to say you break at a different thought, idea, and/or when there's dialogue.
Now, about the dialogue. Don't use tasteless regular statements that have no meaning and/or no emotion. I could see this getting better if you would watch the plot, which becomes increasingly dull towards the end of the story. Anyway, I think that's all for this one. I hope this has helped, even a bit!

Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.

Sincerely, Casanova!

User avatar
felistia
Review

Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day. :D

Nit-picks

When morning finally dawned
You tend to say this a lot in your story. This like the third or forth time I've seen it since I started reading. Maybe have something like
When the crimson sun finally peeked over the tree line
Just something different. :D

“Guard!” Re’ana cupped her hands around her mouth as she screamed for Fang at the top of her lungs.
sshhhhhhh!!!! She really just isn't getting it is she? Hello you'd think that she'd be more quiet now that there's no one to protect her.

An idea began to corm in her mind. “I shouldn’t have to live like a commoner. I’m royalty and I deserve to be treated as such.” She promptly stood up and walked to Aria. Climbing up onto the equestrian’s back, Re’ana quietly gave a gentle nudge to Aria’s flanks with her heels making her start forward.
Don't do it. Man this girl is so stupid. Fang has shown her so many times that she can trust him and yet she chooses to do this. Eish.

Overall thoughts

Right! Time to help you with that poem. Just a note before I start. I'm not the best at poetry, but I'll try my best.

Moon child, moon child, take care in where you rest your head,

Lest the creatures of the shadows fill you full of dread.

Moon child, moon child, take care in whom you trust,

A caring heart that is misplaced can lead you to the dust.

Moon child, moon child, take care in where you go,

For the places that the road takes you, may consume your soul.

Moon child, moon child, be fearful of the phantoms,

For when the sun and moon are one, the end of days has come.

Moon child, moon child, don’t let your spirit break,

Your life will be saved when the guardian awakes.
Okay so the first thing I'd recommend is to take out the rhymes. I know that it does help with the rhythm, but at the same time it's clumsy. Some of the words aren't even pure rhymes and it's just not worth keeping them. Either that or you could make a different rhyme pattern so that you have less rhymes. I just think that you can really say what you want to say when the rhymes are holding you back. Other than that though I really liked it. ;D

Overall this was a great chapter and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. :D

Your friend, Felistia. :D

This review courtesy of Image



The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity.
— Amelia Earhart