Heya, Swordsman! Casanova here for a review! Now, I usually do romance since that's my favourite genre, but fantasy is my second so I'm going to like this! I mean, I do like it, but I have a few nitpicks that I think I could say. Anyway, to the review!
Okay, so. The first thing is about the large, blocks of texts you have for your paragraphs. They're daunting to read, and hard on the eyes. There's several ways to fix this, but I find the easiest way is paragraph breaking. This is where you break a paragraph into smaller chunks. You do this when there's a different thought, idea, or you place dialogue. So, in other words, it's pretty easy to spot but also easy to look over if you're the one writing the work. Here, let me give you an example from your work-
The queen - Mirana - sighed and ran her hand along the back of the chair near her. Her fingers exploring the intricate designs cut into the wood by the carpenter who crafted it. “Those books that you read are only fairy tales. They have no truth to how the world really is. They are written to be fanciful and give you a world seen through rose-colored glasses. There are no such things as gallant knights that come galloping across the plains to rescue fair maidens from witches and dragons.” Re'ana rolled her eyes and stared out of the large window at the grounds below. She watched as loaves of bread were distributed to a large crowd of waiting peasants. Each of them covered in dirt and grime from head to foot. She witnessed an older man steal a loaf from a young child before running down the down the cobblestone street. “Do those peasants have a place in those stories that you read? Do they tell how they scrounge for food from one day to the next in a desperate attempt to eat something that month? How the decisions that we have made as the rulers of this kingdom have put them in that situation? Or are they just passed over as unimportant?” Re’ana just shrugged. “What those stories don’t tell you is that ignoring your responsibilities to the people of this country will turn them against you and you will have no one to blame but yourself.” Mirana gazed at her daughter with a weary look. A look that only a mother could give to their child. She had tried so hard to prepare Re’ana for the future; and yet, it all seemed lost on her. Deciding that she had berated her daughter enough, she chose to move on to something a little less of an argument. “Your birthday is in a few days. Have you decided what you would like as a gift?”
Whoa, that's a big block of text. Anyway, you see where the dialogue is? Break the paragraph there. Here, this is how I would do it-
"The queen - Mirana - sighed and ran her hand along the back of the chair near her. Her fingers exploring the intricate designs cut into the wood by the carpenter who crafted it.
“Those books that you read are only fairy tales. They have no truth to how the world really is. They are written to be fanciful and give you a world seen through rose-colored glasses. There are no such things as gallant knights that come galloping across the plains to rescue fair maidens from witches and dragons.”
Re'ana rolled her eyes and stared out of the large window at the grounds below. She watched as loaves of bread were distributed to a large crowd of waiting peasants. Each of them covered in dirt and grime from head to foot. She witnessed an older man steal a loaf from a young child before running down the down the cobblestone street.
“Do those peasants have a place in those stories that you read? Do they tell how they scrounge for food from one day to the next in a desperate attempt to eat something that month? How the decisions that we have made as the rulers of this kingdom have put them in that situation? Or are they just passed over as unimportant?” Re’ana just shrugged. “What those stories don’t tell you is that ignoring your responsibilities to the people of this country will turn them against you and you will have no one to blame but yourself.”
Mirana gazed at her daughter with a weary look. A look that only a mother could give to their child. She had tried so hard to prepare Re’ana for the future; and yet, it all seemed lost on her. Deciding that she had berated her daughter enough, she chose to move on to something a little less of an argument.
“Your birthday is in a few days. Have you decided what you would like as a gift?”"
Something like that would make it a lot better. Do this to all of your paragraphs, and not only would it be less hard on the eyes- but it would also make it look neater and make your chapter seem longer.
Another thing is you're doing a good job putting emotion out in your thoughts and the characters actions, but overall your dialogue is a bit bland. Spice it up. Play around with it. Have fun with it.
Anyway, I think that's all I'll say on this one. I hope this helped, even a little!
Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron.
Your writing is awesome!
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