The morning light dawned in the library of books that reached to the ceiling. Re'ana stretched with a loud yawn and looked about the massive room with a content smile on her face. She could practically see the words of the printed pages trying to escape and tell her their story so that they might be remembered as more than just words. She tried to imagine what each of the books would look like if they were, in fact, a person telling her their story. The old tomes she could see as an old man with a great many wrinkles and bushy eyebrows that covered his eyes. Often discarded and left in the corner to collect dust from lack of use in silence until someone stumbles across them by accident. The books that had been read so many times that they were starting to come apart reminded her of an adviser that people would keep coming to for words of wisdom.
“When you were a little girl,” a deep voice said, “I would find you bundled up on the couch over there with a book left open on the page that you had fallen asleep at.” Re'ana smiled as she looked over the chair to the middle-age man that was smiling at the fond memory. His thick beard curved up with the arch of his lips. “Good morning, Sweety,” the man said.
“Good morning, Father,” Re'ana responded, standing up and hugging him. “I couldn't sleep last night so I went to the garden.” The smile that had once been on her fair face vanished and she pulled away from her father with an aggravated expression. “And I met the most appalling guard I have ever had the displeasure of meeting. I expect him to be punished appropriately.”
“Well, what was his name?” King Heron asked, his brow furrowing gently.
“He said it was Fang, but I'm sure that it was a lie.”
“I know who you're talking about, and no he wasn't lying. He doesn't believe in lying. What did he do that was so appalling to you?”
“He treated me like some...commoner,” she said working herself into a frenzy. “He turned his back on me. Didn't address me by my title.”
The king sighed and motioned for Re'ana to sit down again. “The man you're talking about is a man that saved my life a few years ago.”
“That mongrel saved you?” Re'ana asked in disbelief.
“Do you remember that boar hunt I went on? The one where we didn't get back until well after sunset?”
“Oh yeah. Mother and I stayed at that little tavern by the east gate. I didn't know you had returned until the next morning”
“Well,” Heron looked over his shoulder to make sure that they were alone. “Don’t tell your mother about this.” He gave Re'ana a stern look to make sure that she knew that he was serious. “The day that we went out, I was the only one of the hunting party to return.” He clasped his hands together to keep them from shaking as he began to relive that day.
“We began the hunt in the morning and our guide made sure to tell us that there was a limit to how far we could go. When we finally found the boar and chased it down, we had traveled well beyond where we should have. The creatures outside the wall came for us and killed most of the party. Two of the guards and I managed to escape the slaughter. Of course, that wasn't for long. We took shelter inside of a cave and the last two of the guards were dragged off into the darkness. I managed to escape out of sheer luck. When night fell, I had become completely lost.”
Re'ana stared at her Father with an expression of horror. “How did you get back?”
“ When I was out there, roaming around in the darkness of the forest, I was nearly crushed by an ogre. Fang arrived and saved my life. He led me back to the wall and I offered him a place as one of the guard, as long as he continued to protect you, your mother, and myself.”
“Wow. I didn't realize that you were nearly killed. So he's from outside the wall? That explains why he’s so repulsive.”
The king chuckled. “He just doesn't see the point in being extravagant. He has a job to do and that is what is expected of him. Nothing more. He also believes that respect is earned, not entitled to anyone.”
“Well, regardless of what he did for you, that doesn't give him the right to behave in such a fashion.”
“I will talk to him and address his attitude, but he is a night guard. They don't really see royalty all that often. Alright, I think that is enough dilly-dally. Go up to your room and get dressed. We're going to Northshire for your birthday. We will be getting you your first horse today.”
“We’re going to Northshire! They raise the best horses there!” Re'ana said with excitement.
“Only the best for my little princess.” Re'ana jumped to her feet and gave her father a quick hug before rushing up the stairs to her room to get dressed.
Re’ana came bursting through the doors to her room and startled Leena who had been waiting there for her. “Good morning, Princess,” she said with a hurried bow. “I hope that you slept well.” Re'ana didn't acknowledge the girl as she quickly chose a dress and began pulling it on and having it laced up, with Leena’s help.
It took the company til midday to get all the preparations ready for travel. Half a day's journey by carriage would bring them to the wall and the Northern gate. The carriages, one for Re’ana and one for Heron and Mirana, left in an organized procession out of the city toward the northern gate of the wall.
Leena sat beside Re'ana and two more servant girls sat in the seat across from them. The lush country-side stretched out across the vast plain before the massive wall could be seen in the distance as it rose toward the sky. The shallow and uneven path cut through the grasslands from years of travel like a scar upon the land. The carriage would jostle back and forth on occasion from the stone that jutted up from the earth as a minor obstacle. “I hate travelling,” Re'ana muttered before she began to read from her book with only the rare glance out the window of the carriage to see the farmstead or plantation that a noble or someone with great wealth owned. A few hours into their journey, the small company entered into a shaded wood. The bows of the trees arched over the road creating a corridor that the carriage and guards could travel through.
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
I'm not so sure about this sentence. It feels a little clumsy. Maybe Just a suggestion.Nit-picks
I feel like you could go a bit more into the detail of the story. I don't really feel scared or anxious when I read this and I think that I should feel that way. Maybe describe the creatures just a bit. Maybe they have glowing red eyes or a terrible howl. Just a bit of something like that would bring a bit more spice to the tale.
I don't think this was the best place for you to end as it doesn't really make the reader want to continue reading. It also feel a bit random. There isn't really that much reason to end here.
Grammar and Punctuation
Okay so I don't really want to spend the whole review pointing out grammar since it's easily fixed with a bit of editing. But you do need to go through and have a look. A lot of your sentences need punctuation and some of you grammar isn't right.
Overall thoughts
Chapter plot: I'm not quite sure what the main plot is yet, but I can definitely see that you're planting side plots. Fang seems to have a bit more about him than meets the eye and I'm a bit suspicious of him. In the last chapter you mentioned in the closing sentence that there was a creature watching the Re'ana. I can't wait to find out about that. You're also constantly mentioning creatures outside the wall and keeping them in the dark for the moment. While I like this whole mystery about them, I just wish that you'd give just a bit of information on them.
Characters: Your character have also been written out pretty well. Each of them has a distinct personality and a past. Ren'ana seems like a bit of a brat at the moment, but I'm sure that later on in the story she'll get a taste of real life and stop being to high and might.
Her dad also has a rather interesting back story with Fang. He also seems to love his daughter very much and spoils her a bit too much. Other than that though I don't know much else about him.
I don't know much about Fang either, other than he's creepy. I'm sure that he has a secret agenda behind rescuing Re'ana's father.
Description: Your description was also very good, though at times you over did it just a bit and made your sentence a bit clumsy. I got a good feel for your world and the people in it. I had a picture in my head constantly which is very important for a story. Keep it up.
Overall this was a great chapter and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
Hi Swordsman 6X,
I'd like to say that I haven't read any of the previous chapters and I'm entering in blind. This is somewhat desirable, actually, as many people will turn to a random chapter in a story in a bookstore to see if the book is to their liking. Assume I've done that.
That said, critique sandwich time.
1. What did I like about this piece?
> It's clear that you have the plot points and backstory of the novel set out, which is a great. Many people (myself included) struggle with writing due to the issues of not preparing for the future or accounting for the past.
> You seem to have a good grasp of punctuation in speech and you vary the way your characters talk so that the reader is kept interested.
> Your use descriptive language in places adds a fair bit of substance to your story. I especially liked the idea of books represented as people.
2. What specific points need improvement?
> First and foremost, I noticed that you tend to fail in adding a space after your periods. This may just be a copy/paste issue with whatever word editing program you use. If not, be aware that after using punctuation there is most commonly a space. For instance, there was a space just after that comma and at the end of this sentence I'll add another space after the period. This is a standard writing convention.
> Re'ana's character is very one-dimensional at the moment. Yes, okay, I get that she's a spoiled brat who always gets her way. She also likes reading. And I bet she's fantastic at horse riding too. Basically she has no redeeming qualities that make me want to invest in knowing her. This chapter only reveals that her father loves her to bits and that she has a childish notion that the world revolves around her - which it does if the King of all people has the time to lounge around waiting for her to take her sweet time waking up. So how can this issue be fixed? One would be making her relatable. What can she say or do in this chapter that a normal person can feel connected to? For instance, a child so excited to visit Northshire should actually be excited to visit Northshire. Let us experience the countryside through her eyes. Let us feel what she feels. Instead you've got her reading a book?
> The whole "mom" and "daddy" thing. Obviously I don't know what sort of fantasy world this is set in, but formalities do occur with nobility and royals. She should be calling him father, really. It tears the believability down when it sounds like a teenage girl from America talking to the King.
> "The king" is your most common way of referring to Re'ana's father. It makes it difficult for me to connect to Re'ana at all. Of course she'd think of her father as the king quite often. But not 100% of the time. If this story is told from Re'ana's point of view, he should be called father. Maybe even by his own name (which I don't know).
> Re'ana's name is annoying. Is there a reason why she has an apostrophe there? It could easily be Reana without any loss. When I add an apostrophe to a name it's because the culture requires it. Khalak'tisht, for instance, is my orc character, where "Khalak" is the family name. Quil'jian obtained his full name after killing a quillboar during his naming quest. If the name has an apostrophe in it just to make her stand out, it's not a good enough reason. Apologies if you did explain this in another chapter.
> The info dump of the king's boar hunt. There are a few things wrong with it. Mainly it is a block of text. You don't explain how he is animated as he tells the story. Re'ana's reactions aren't important as she must be sitting still and lifeless as he recounts his near death and the loss of many loyal guards. In addition to that, how is this a secret? It's bemusing to think that an attempt on the king's life and that resulted in the loss of many lives is something easily swept under the rug - and easily revealed to a little girl just because she's having a tanty. Finally, sheer luck is author's convenience. A king would be wise enough to know that sheer luck doesn't factor into the real world.
> Fang. Again, you've probably explained this elsewhere or intend to, but the name Fang is just setting this character up. Does he lose potency if his name is Raquel? Or Savarth? Or Heron? Odd enough names without being a tooth. So my suggestion is that Fang should be one of the men flushing out the boars - he can ever come from outside the wall and makes a living leading hunts as he has a knowledge of the land. In fact, it makes him an even more valuable character if Fang actually existed before the ogre.
> The ogre. First we have creatures outside the wall that are never explained. Then ogres. When one monster will do, do with one monster.
> Leena's name is very similar to Re'ana's.
3. What are my concluding thoughts?
> I did like reading this chapter and I think that you have a good deal of potential to spin an epic saga. But you do need to reconsider some of your plot points and how your characters are portrayed. The only time I got to see into Re'ana's head was in the very first paragraph. After that it was pretty much all flat and without characterisation.
I hope this review helped in some way!
All the best,
Jai
Thank you for your review. I always appreciate them. To address some of your statements I will go through them one at a time.
Re'ana's character is very flat. I realize this. She is flat because she is immature. Like you said. She thinks the world revolves around her and everyone is subject to her whims. Her sort of lack of excitement for going to Northshire is more pointed toward she is excited to "go" to Northshire, but not really about "Traveling" to Northshire and when she doesn't like something she disappears into a book.
This story is not from Re'ana's point of view, it is actually more of a narrative. I did this because there are specific things I have planned that will require that flexibility.
With the Boar Hunt, I can imagine a king, who has given his daughter anything that she asked for, not wanting to worry his daughter and so command that no one tells her anything about the boar hunt or be severely punished.
Fang's name is an anomaly for a specific reason. I should probably make a mention as to the fact that it is strange. He is not part of the original guard because of something very specific that happens at the end of the third chapter. When coupled with this, it makes a lot more sense.
I hope that addressed a few of the issues that you felt was wrong with this and there are a few things that I will be addressing within this portion of the chapter from your review.
Thank you once again.
I'm glad my review helped a little and it's nice to see my suggestions taken up. Do you feel as if the story has improved a little due to those changes?
I'm keen to reply to your points above, as I disagree a little. As always, this is your story so feel free to disregard my opinion.
Re'ana does not need to be flat just because she is immature. I'm not referring to being immature as a bad character flaw. I'm saying that she is genuinely flat as a character because she's not fleshed out. She's used to people bowing and scraping after her, fine. How can you show us this, instead of telling it through flat dialogue? At one point she calls Fang repulsive. Could instead "a look of repulsion slid across her face"? At one point she works herself into a frenzy. What does that entail? Does her skin get flushed with an angry glow? Do her thoughts return back to the night before and how dare that man look at her eye to eye? (or whatever happened) As you know, what we read we envision in our minds, and while gaps and silences in a text allow us to fill them with our own ideas, sometimes the images within are enhanced with pokes in the right direction.
Point of view is tricky. I can understand wanting to write an omnipresent story. I think that it's a trap. No doubt you have many characters who you will write chapters about and obviously Re'ana can't have knowledge of those characters and what they're doing. But is that such a bad thing? I've found that hopskipping from character to character can detract from a story. How much of the story is lost if it's only told from Re'ana's point of view? Does it help the story along if the reader learns about the villain's plans before Re'ana? Or is it more interesting if the reader finds out about things as Re'ana learns about them? Just food for thought.
Kings would be suspicious about random "over the wall" people who appear right when they need the help. They would also care more about national safety than what a child or wife may think.
Cheers,
Jai