Moonlight Saga: Lost Throne - Chapter 1

by XxXTheSwordsmanXxX

Published January 6, 2016

E - Everyone

In Moonlight Saga: Lost Throne

Chapter 1

First Meetings

“I don't see why I have to learn about this,” Princess Re'ana said. “The wall was made centuries ago and it's still standing. It keeps the bad things out and keeps us safe. Why do I need to know any more than that?”

“Because if you want to be a wise ruler, you must learn from the mistakes of those that came before you,” the old tutor said with an exasperated tone. “It's important that you know this. With a lack dependable commerce, due to the dangers outside the wall and the continuous war with the Heagan Empire, Tel’mara is forced to fend for itself. You need to understand why your ancestors made the decisions they did so that you can continue to make decisions that will strengthen your people.”

“It's boring is what it is. Let's go on to something else.” Re'ana said looking at her reflection in the mirror that covered the entire wall to her left. She returned one of her rebellious locks of her raven black hair back to its proper place behind her ear before turning her irritated gaze back on the tutor.

“Very well, Princess. What topic would you like to study?”

“Truth be told, I find them all to be horribly dull. Let's end this lecture so that I can get back to much more important matters.”

“Their majesties have ordered me to tutor you until you are ready to begin studies of your own with them. In a few short years you will be in your prime, married, and leading this country. The people outside the wall expect you to make good, well-informed decisions that will benefit the entire kingdom.” The old tutor sighed as he noted that Re’ana had not listened to a single word he had said. “As the other subjects seem to be even duller to you, we will continue with history.” The tutor continued with his lesson about why the fifty foot high wall was built to protect the first settlers of the country from the creatures that populated the world and the armies of the Heagan Empire nearly a millennium passed.

Re'ana rested her chin in her hand as she quickly grew bored with the lecture and began to daydream about a gallant knight, like the ones from her story books, coming and whisking her away on a life of adventure and romance. When the elegant arms of the grandfather clock struck two, releasing the resounding toll of the bell, Re'ana was quickly on her feet and heading out the doors as the tutor was still trying to tell her about the lesson. “How were your lessons, princess?” a young servant quietly asked attempting to catch up to Re'ana's quick pace.

“A complete waste of my time, Leena,” Re'ana snapped as she hurried to her room within the luxurious castle. Halls of ornate tapestries and paintings lined the halls with marbles floors and high ceilings that were kept lit by the large windows that let in the sunlight. “Learning about things that happened ages ago and don't affect me in the present. It's completely ridiculous.” Throwing open the doors of her room, she strode across the polished stone to the soft carpet that lay in front of the currently lit fireplace and two ornate chairs faced at an angle toward the hearth. A large bed with flowing drapes sat across from the small sitting area and a large wardrobe, filled with elegant dresses, rested against the wall. “I just want some gallant knight to come riding in and take me on a wonderful adventure. He'd adore me and slay horrible beasts, and I would live in the riches of his exploits.”

“And no doubt make him penniless with all the spending that you would do,” a woman said standing at the door, dressed in an elegant sapphire gown that skirted the floor. Leena bowed quickly as the queen entered the room. She almost seemed to hover with the graceful and even steps that she took to cross the room. An older servant behind the queen hurried to keep pace with her should the need for her arise. “I hear from William that you are being difficult with your studies.”

“I just fail to see what learning about a wall has to do with being queen,” Re'ana responded.

The queen let out a frustrated sigh and looked to the servants, who understood the silent command and quickly left, before returning her gaze onto the princess. “You are my daughter, and as such you must conduct yourself with elegance and humility. Learning about 'a wall' is just as important as learning how to lead a country. One day your father and I will not be here and you will be responsible for making decisions that best benefit the country, not just yourself.” Her irritation evident from, once again, repeating the importance of Re’ana’s studies. “The Heagan Empire is at our door waiting for a chance to take this land back from us and if you continue to ignore your responsibilities they will take it.”

“That still doesn't explain the boring lectures.”

“Knowing the reasons for why our ancestors built the wall gives you insight as to what kind of queen you want to be. One that does what is best for her people and not necessarily for her own desires. One day, you may have to make a decision that affects the entire nation, or to forgo your duty for your own desires.”

“When I am queen, I will make sure to let my advisers make the important decisions. That's what they’re there for.” Re'ana perched herself on the window seat that overlooked the city below with her book.

“Not all advisers base their advice in the best interest of royalty. Some will take the opportunity of the power you would give them to line their pockets with coin, all the while blaming you for the current state of the kingdom as it crumbles into ruin.”

“Then I'll marry a man that can take care of all that himself and doesn't need me for menial decisions.”

The queen - Mirana - sighed and ran her hand along the back of the chair near her. Her fingers exploring the intricate designs cut into the wood by the carpenter who crafted it. “Those books that you read are only fairy tales. They have no truth to how the world really is. They are written to be fanciful and give you a world seen through rose-colored glasses. There are no such things as gallant knights that come galloping across the plains to rescue fair maidens from witches and dragons.” Re'ana rolled her eyes and stared out of the large window at the grounds below. She watched as loaves of bread were distributed to a large crowd of waiting peasants. Each of them covered in dirt and grime from head to foot. She witnessed an older man steal a loaf from a young child before running down the cobblestone street. “Do those peasants have a place in those stories that you read? Do they tell how they scrounge for food from one day to the next in a desperate attempt to eat something that month? How the decisions that we have made as the rulers of this kingdom have put them in that situation? Or are they just passed over as unimportant?” Re’ana just shrugged. “What those stories don’t tell you is that ignoring your responsibilities to the people of this country will turn them against you and you will have no one to blame but yourself.” Mirana gazed at her daughter with a weary look. A look that only a mother could give to their child. She had tried so hard to prepare Re’ana for the future; and yet, it all seemed lost on her. Deciding that she had berated her daughter enough, she chose to move on to something a little less of an argument. “Your birthday is in a few days. Have you decided what you would like as a gift?”

“Oh...whatever you find will be fine. I probably won't bother with opening it anyways.” She opened the red cover of the book in her hands to continue on her imaginative journey through the world of fantasy.

Mirana strode over, with an irritated gait, and snatched the book from Re’ana’s hand. She had had quite enough of her daughter’s complete disrespect for those that were trying to help her. “Perhaps I should make it a little clearer for you. Your attitude of superiority is well out of place and not fitting of someone of royalty. Do you know that without the people you would not have anything to rule? If you can't see that, then you will lose everything that you have enjoyed from the moment of your birth. No servants. No books. No days spent lounging about the castle without care. You have to learn what it means to be a leader and do what is in the best interest of your people.”

Re'ana sighed with the same irritated look on her face that was on her mother's. “Alright! I will be nicer to William in the future. Can I have my book now?” Re'ana held out her hand expectantly. Mirana sighed and reluctantly handed over the collection of written passages having half a mind to throw the book into the fire; but that would only send this argument into new heights of harsh words and foul tempers.

“I just want to know that you will be ready for the future, Re'ana. If you aren't, then I have failed as a mother.”

Re'ana ignored her mother's heartfelt concern and buried herself in the words of her book. Mirana left the room giving a loving gaze over her shoulder to her daughter, whom she feared would never grow out of her immature ways. Re'ana was spirited away into the fairy tales of her book. Leaving the uneventful world behind her as she rode across the plains of the wild savanna and explored mysterious jungles for the ruins of some ancient being.

When the sun disappeared behind the hills on the horizon, Re'ana got ready for bed; but, as the night wore on she found that she couldn't fall asleep. Of course, tonight had to be the first night of the full moon and the curtains that once hung in her room had been removed and new ones sewn, as she demanded every year, only aided in fate's plan to keep her from sleeping. With an annoyed sigh, Re'ana grabbed the heavy robe that was draped beside her bed and covered the silk nightgown that she was wearing. With it being too dark to read, she headed out of her room on a quest to the castle gardens. Holding a meager candle in a candlestick of polished brass, she wandered the darkened corridors toward her destination. She idly thought that this would be similar to the caverns that her book's hero was lost in.

Opening the doors to the garden she breathed in the midnight air that rushed in from the outside, the midsummer sky sparkling with stars. The heavenly moon illuminating the flowers that filled the open court with an eerie glow. Walking along the stone paths the led through the maze of the hedges, she paused to sit on the stone bench that overlooked the massive fountain that dominated the center of the garden. It depicted lovely women holding a large vessel that would pour endless amounts of water into the calm pool beneath it. She stared up at the sky, trying to remember where the constellations that she had been taught were found. Her favorite constellation was hidden by the castle itself, but she smiled thinking back to the romantic story that went with it.

Re'ana jumped and let out a yelp when a voice behind her said, “Strange for you to be up.” She quickly turned and looked to the man that had snuck up behind her. The man in front of her had a somewhat rugged face and was dressed in a black sleeveless tunic and pants. His gloved hands, which were missing the fingers, rested on the hilt of an ivory-handled, curved sword at his hip. “Not normal for a member of the royal family to have troubles with sleeping.”

Quickly regaining her composure she gave him a sour look. “It's rude to sneak up on someone in the dark. Have you no manners? Besides, if you know who I am then you should address me in the proper manner,” Re'ana snapped.

The man chuckled as he bowed slightly to her. “As you wish, Princess,” he said, before turning around and walking away.

“How dare you turn your back on royalty, Guard! What is your name so that I may have you punished properly?!”

The man paused and turned to Re'ana. “Now why would I give you my name if I know that you plan on punishing me? It would make more sense for me to just leave and not give you anything.”

Re'ana ground her teeth in frustration at the nonchalant manner that the guard was speaking to her. How dare he speak to me in that tone! she thought. “I, your Princess, am ordering you to tell me your name!”

The guard let out an audible huff that hinted at a small laugh. “I'm called Fang.” He turned about again and disappeared behind a hedge. Re'ana rushed to the point where she lost sight of Fang to scold him more, only to find that he had vanished into the shadows of the night. Furious, Re'ana stomped through the garden and headed back into the castle. Going to the library, her only other sanctuary, and dropped down into one of the many chairs set in front of the enormous fireplace that had a roaring bonfire inside it. She sat there for a while before falling asleep in the soft cushion of the chair. Unaware of the eyes from the creature that watched her from the window, dragging skeletal fingertips down that glass.

The morning light dawned in the library of books that reached to the ceiling. Re'ana stretched with a loud yawn and looked about the massive room with a content smile on her face. She could practically see the words of the printed pages trying to escape and tell her their story so that they might be remembered as more than just words. She tried to imagine what each of the books would look like if they were, in fact, a person telling her their story. The old tomes she could see as an old man with a great many wrinkles and bushy eyebrows that covered his eyes. Often discarded and left in the corner to collect dust from lack of use in silence until someone stumbles across them by accident. The books that had been read so many times that they were starting to come apart reminded her of an adviser that people would keep coming to for words of wisdom.

“When you were a little girl,” a deep voice said, “I would find you bundled up on the couch over there with a book left open on the page that you had fallen asleep at.” Re'ana smiled as she looked over the chair to the middle-age man that was smiling at the fond memory. His thick beard curved up with the arch of his lips. “Good morning, Sweety,” the man said.

“Good morning, Father,” Re'ana responded, standing up and hugging him. “I couldn't sleep last night so I went to the garden.” The smile that had once been on her fair face vanished and she pulled away from her father with an aggravated expression. “And I met the most appalling guard I have ever had the displeasure of meeting. I expect him to be punished appropriately.”

“Well, what was his name?” King Heron asked, his brow furrowing gently.

“He said it was Fang, but I'm sure that it was a lie.”

“I know who you're talking about, and no he wasn't lying. He doesn't believe in lying. What did he do that was so appalling to you?”

“He treated me like some...commoner,” she said working herself into a frenzy. “He turned his back on me. Didn't address me by my title.”

The king sighed and motioned for Re'ana to sit down again. “The man you're talking about is a man that saved my life a few years ago.”

“That mongrel saved you?” Re'ana asked in disbelief.

“Do you remember that boar hunt I went on? The one where we didn't get back until well after sunset?”

“Oh yeah. Mother and I stayed at that little tavern by the east gate. I didn't know you had returned until the next morning”

“Well,” Heron looked over his shoulder to make sure that they were alone. “Don’t tell your mother about this.” He gave Re'ana a stern look to make sure that she knew that he was serious. “The day that we went out, I was the only one of the hunting party to return.” He clasped his hands together to keep them from shaking as he began to relive that day.

“We began the hunt in the morning and our guide made sure to tell us that there was a limit to how far we could go. When we finally found the boar and chased it down, we had traveled well beyond where we should have. The creatures outside the wall came for us and killed most of the party. Two of the guards and I managed to escape the slaughter. Of course, that wasn't for long. We took shelter inside of a cave and the last two of the guards were dragged off into the darkness. I managed to escape out of sheer luck. When night fell, I had become completely lost.”

Re'ana stared at her Father with an expression of horror. “How did you get back?”

“ When I was out there, roaming around in the darkness of the forest, I was nearly crushed by an ogre. Fang arrived and saved my life. He led me back to the wall and I offered him a place as one of the guard, as long as he continued to protect you, your mother, and myself.”

“Wow. I didn't realize that you were nearly killed. So he's from outside the wall? That explains why he’s so repulsive.”

The king chuckled. “He just doesn't see the point in being extravagant. He has a job to do and that is what is expected of him. Nothing more. He also believes that respect is earned, not entitled to anyone.”

“Well, regardless of what he did for you, that doesn't give him the right to behave in such a fashion.”

“I will talk to him and address his attitude, but he is a night guard. They don't really see royalty all that often. Alright, I think that is enough dilly-dally. Go up to your room and get dressed. We're going to Northshire for your birthday. We will be getting you your first horse today.”

“We’re going to Northshire! They raise the best horses there!” Re'ana said with excitement.

“Only the best for my little princess.” Re'ana jumped to her feet and gave her father a quick hug before rushing up the stairs to her room to get dressed.

Re’ana came bursting through the doors to her room and startled Leena who had been waiting there for her. “Good morning, Princess,” she said with a hurried bow. “I hope that you slept well.” Re'ana didn't acknowledge the girl as she quickly chose a dress and began pulling it on and having it laced up, with Leena’s help.

It took the company til midday to get all the preparations ready for travel. Half a day's journey by carriage would bring them to the wall and the Northern gate. The carriages, one for Re’ana and one for Heron and Mirana, left in an organized procession out of the city toward the northern gate of the wall.

Leena sat beside Re'ana and two more servant girls sat in the seat across from them. The lush country-side stretched out across the vast plain before the massive wall could be seen in the distance as it rose toward the sky. The shallow and uneven path cut through the grasslands from years of travel like a scar upon the land. The carriage would jostle back and forth on occasion from the stone that jutted up from the earth as a minor obstacle. “I hate travelling,” Re'ana muttered before she began to read from her book with only the rare glance out the window of the carriage to see the farmstead or plantation that a noble or someone with great wealth owned. A few hours into their journey, the small company entered into a shaded wood. The bows of the trees arched over the road creating a corridor that the carriage and guards could travel through.

Having finished her book, Re'ana sat contently staring out the window. She imagined the horse that would be waiting for her at Northshire when she arrived. She would want a mare with white hair so that she could wear colors that would accent any dress Re’ana chose for herself. It couldn't have a temper or attitude with her. It wouldn't sweat or get dirty like the animals that the guards rode. It would be perfect.

She saw movement in the trees that snapped her from her daydream. A large black figure darted between the trees in the distance. “Is that a bear?” Re'ana asked leaning toward the window.

“We don't have any bears within the wall, Princess,” Leena said.

“There are stories about a pack of wolves that have refused to leave the wood,” one of the women across from her said. “Some say that they protect the castle from any dangerous creatures that might make their way in.”

“Some say that their alpha is a dire wolf the size of the largest man,” said the other.

Re'ana sat back, a small amount of fear replacing her curiosity. “Why don't they hunt them down and get rid of them?” she questioned.

“They can't find them. Whenever they send a hunting party out to remove them, it's like they just vanish,” Leena says quietly. “The estates that skirt the forest have all come to the realization that if there are any wolves, they stay in the forest and don't bother anyone. Not even the livestock, which would be an easy meal for the pack.”

“That's strange,” Re'ana said. “Even animals have to eat.” When she looked out into the woods again she didn't see anything moving anymore, but she felt that there was something following them. When they finally left the woods behind, Re'ana felt like she could breathe again. As the sun began to set, giving the sky a pale orange hue, the carriages arrived at the town of Northshire.

A grand welcome was waiting for them. Flowers and lights were decorated all across the cobblestone street, and fireworks were shot off, exploding in a brilliant display of color and light. Re'ana smiled and waved, as was expected of her, even though she detested fireworks for the noise that they made. A large crowd had gathered outside the gates of their mansion in the city to imply their happiness of them being there. The sun had set and the stars were coming out to twinkle in the fabric of night as the carriages passed through the gate.

When the carriages pulled up to the mansion, Re'ana was angered to see the black clothed form of Fang standing at the top of the stairs against one side of the large doors. He bowed to the king and queen as they passed him and remained that way until after Re'ana had entered the mansion. Following them inside, he stood in the large entrance hall waiting for his orders. “I see that everything is in order,” the king said. “I take it that you oversaw that, Fang?”

“I'm afraid not, sire. I only arrived shortly before you did,” Fang said bowing his head respectfully.

“So you do have manners,” Re'ana muttered loud enough for everyone to hear.

“That I do, Princess. Despite your misgivings about me, I'm not a complete barbarian,” Fang said turning his gaze to Re'ana. His bright green eyes seeming to watch her like a hunter would watch his prey. “I'm going to do my rounds. Excuse me.” Fang abruptly turned and left the room.

Re'ana growled under her breath as she watched him leave. “He is absolutely infuriating!” she spat.

“He just takes some time to get used to,” the king replied with a chuckle. “Come, we've all had a long day and tomorrow is going to be busy. We should all get some rest.” Gratefully, everyone went to the respective rooms and settled in for the night. Re’ana only complained that the bed provided to her wasn’t as comfortable as her own.

Re'ana awoke in the middle of the night, with a start, to something scratching as her window. Rubbing her eyes she attempted to peer through the sleepy haze that clouded her vision and saw a shrouded creature floating at the large window. The shroud it wore was nothing more than wisps of sheer black cloth that only hinted at the form beneath it. The creature raised its metallic skeletal hand and beckoned her toward it with a single finger. She felt her body rise, seeming to move on its own accord, and walked toward the window. The shrouded figure continued to summon her closer with a single finger and a dread slowly filled her chest. She felt like she couldn’t breathe, as if this beckoning creature was sucking the air from her lungs. She screamed at herself to wake up over and over, but nothing happened. She watched her hand slowly rise to unhook the latch holding the window closed. She screamed at her body to stop as her fingers touched the smooth metal of the latch. A bright flash of light in the shadows beside the creature drove it into the darkness of the night with a terrifying shriek.

The next thing Re'ana knew, she was back in her bed like nothing had happened. Only the faint memory of a distant dream reminded her of the creature that had been at the window. The sun hadn't even begun to rise. Only the faint glow of dawn signaled the coming sunrise

Feeling thirsty, she pulled on a nearby rope that would signal the cooks to bring her something to drink. Sitting in silence as she waited for someone to answer.

No one arrived.

In her impatience she pulled it twice more with the same answer. “Is there no one here to serve me?” she chided. The silence of the room began to get to her. There wasn't even the crackling of a fire to distract her from it.

Pulling on a robe, in irritation, she quickly headed out of the room to the kitchen and to get out of the room that was still giving her a feeling of dread. “Will someone get me a drink,” she ordered as she opened the door.

To her embarrassment she found that no one was there. Only the gentle glow of coals of the fire that had burned beneath a black pot and the cooking counter that filled the center of the kitchen. A large table on the far side of the room would be used for the servants eat at. She let out a huff as she waited for a moment to see if anyone would come. With an irritated scowl she grabbed a nearby bell and began to ring it incessantly.

Leena quickly came in through the servant's entrance trying to rub the sleep from her eyes and her brunette hair in disarray. “Yes, Princess? How can I be of service?” she said softly. Re'ana could hear the remnants of sleep in her voice.

“I want something to drink, and while you’re at it, make me something to eat as well,” Re'ana commanded before she brushed off a stool and sat down on it, avoiding having to return to her room. Leena quickly got to work pouring a drink and getting a fire going for the cook. Hurrying through the door that she had entered from she hurriedly woke the cook.

A man dressed in a hastily tied smock and a hat that sat crocked on his mussed up hair arrived a little later with Leena right behind him. He grabbed random ingredients and threw them into the black pot to cook as the fire began to burn in the hearth. Only the crackling of the fire and the bubbling of the food made any noise between the three of them.

In her boredom, Re'ana began to think back on how long she had known Leena. The woman had been made her lady in waiting several years ago, but she knew almost nothing about her. What does it matter? she thought to herself. She is just a servant afterall. She dismissed the thought as quickly as it arrived to play with a rolling pin, pushing it back and forth on the counter.

“Mmmmm! Something smells good,” Fang said as he stepped through the door into the kitchen. He held a thick leather bound book under one arm as he bit into an apple in his other hand. His gaze fell on Re'ana sitting in the corner wearing her night robe. “Evening, Princess. Still having trouble sleeping, I see.” Re'ana released an irritated sigh and rolled her eyes to look as far away from him as possible. “Still mad at me for disappearing on you the other night, huh?”

“For your information, you have such little bearing in my life that I hardly remember the incident,” Re'ana said nonchalantly.

“Apparently, I had some barring. You're still upset,” Fang said with a wolfish grin.

Re'ana ground her teeth at Fang's disregard for her authority but she was too hungry to fight with him. Sitting at the table and setting the large leather bound book down, he opened it to one of the center pages.

“Didn't think a commoner like you would have the ability to read,” Re'ana snapped.

“And I'm sure you already know every word written in this book just by looking at its cover.” Fang retorted back as he flipped through the pages.

She caught a glimpse of a drawing depicting a shrouded figure on one of the pages. “Wait!” she cried, jumping up from the stool. Fang and Leena both looked to her, a little startled by her sudden unladylike outburst. She immediately regretted saying anything in such a loud voice. “That book...What is it?” she asked.

“It's a tome of different creatures that one might see outside the wall. Sometimes they get inside and knowing how to deal with them is the difference between life and death.”

“And the drawing on that page?”

Fang looked at the page and then back to Re'ana. “That's an image of the T'vi. One of the few people that actually saw one and lived managed to draw that before his mind completely snapped.”

Re'ana swallowed a little at the description of the creature. “Does anyone know anything about them?”

“Why the sudden interest? You act like you've seen one of these things.”

“I had a dream about something that looked like that.” Re’ana’s voice was laced with fear as she spoke. Leena looked to her with concern as it was not something in Re'ana's character to reveal her fear.

Fang's normally grin bearing face was suddenly serious. Flipping to the page with the most information on the T'vi, he pushed the book toward Re'ana. Only half of the page was filled with the scrawling of information about the wraith-like creature. Fang took another bite out of the apple as Re'ana sat down. “Not much is known about the T'vi. They aren't seen much. Well, at least few have seen them and lived to tell the tale or kept their sanity. The small information that is known is that they supposedly have some magical ability and will abduct people at night. What happens to those that they take isn't known, but few are ever seen again. Those that are seen are either insane or complete servants to the T’vi.”

Re'ana flipped through the pages idly. “How come you know so much about them?”

“I knew a man who survived an attack from a T'vi. Before his mind was completely lost he told me about them in broken sentences.”

Re'ana nodded as she closed the book. “Well, I guess I'm glad that you're so knowledgeable about them. Should they come then you'll know how to drive them away.”

Fang huffed a little. “There is no driving them away. You see one; you start running and don't look back.” He tossed the apple core into a basket of food scraps before grabbing the book and taking it out of the kitchen. “Just remember. If you really do see one, don't let it in. For some reason they can't enter a house without being invited in.”

She let out a frustrated growl as Fang disappeared into the hall. “God I hate him.”

“He didn't seem all bad,” Leena idly remarked as she placed the glass and steaming bowl in front of Re'ana.

“Such disregard for social standings. He has little more manners than a pig.” Re'ana held the eating utensil between her index finger and thumb, as she had been taught to do for years. She would champ down on the food in a most inelegant manner in her frustration with the night clad guard. After a few moments, the food in the bowl was reduced to crumbs and the glass sat empty. Re'ana reluctantly returned to her room, leaving Leena and the cook to clean up the mess.

Comments & reviews · 3
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Pompadour
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Pompadour wrote a review Review · Jan 9, 2016

Hey there.

I liked reading this. It was mostly well-written, but I'd suggest that you break the chapter down and post it in one or more pieces--5000+ words is a whopping length to read on-screen. Also, you'll probably receive more in-depth, quality criticism if you post sub-chapters at a time.

Moving on, I found that there were parts of the chapter--especially the beginning--that were very dialogue-heavy, with very less focus on the characters and their various interactions with themselves + their surroundings. I found it hard to connect with any of the characters in the beginning, mostly because of the aforementioned dialogue-dripping, but also because it gave off cliché fantasy vibes. I couldn't really get my head into the story until I'd dredged my way through the first few paragraphs, and I think you need to focus a tad on varying sentence length and playing with syntax. Right now, the narrative voice comes across as rigid, although you have some absolute gems with the description--the library being likened to a wrinkled face being one that particularly stood out to me.

My suggestion would be to split some of the larger paragraphs into two or more--generally, there's an unspoken rule that a new paragraph begins with the dialogue of a different speaker--and to put snips of worldbuilding in-between dialogue to liven it up. It's hard to get into the story the king tells because it's just a lump of text to us; there's very little characterisation, through expression or otherwise.

If you don't mind, I'm going to take a bit of dialogue and run through it once:

“The day that we went out, I was the only one of the hunting party to return. We began the hunt in the morning and our guide made sure to tell us that there was a limit to how far we could go. ...


Wordy. This could be condensed and it would sound more natural. People in fantasy talk like normal people--they stutter, they raise their voices and lower their pitch, they hesitate, and there is an implied ... inflection in their words. Don't just have them spit the dialogue out. Split it up and put slices of characterisation in between the loaves. An example of how you could make the dialogue more natural (for the section I have marked in bold): '...our guide told us that there was only so far that we could go.' It conveys the same idea, but it sounds more fluid when spoken out loud. (Try reading sections of your dialogue out loud and smoothing out the awkwardness thusly.)

When we finally found the boar and chased it down, we had traveled well beyond where we should have. The creatures outside the wall came for us and killed most of the party. Two of the guards and myself managed to escape the slaughter.


A bit vague. What creature? Why was it not mentioned before? I want to know what they looked like, and I'm sure Re'ana did, too--it's natural, that desire for the gritty details. There's so much that's shrouded in ambiguity, and this bothers me intensely.

You have a lot of talking heads littering this piece. This steals from a lot of atmosphere-building and makes the dialogue-delivery rather flat. I think the biggest thing you need to work on, at this point, is the dialogue. It's stiff and it seeks only to deliver, not to entrance while subtly getting its point across. Also, avoid info-dumps in dialogue! It doesn't matter if they're surrounded by quotation-marks or not--info-dumps drag a piece along, and it's better if that same information is taken apart and reinserted at intervals, whether through description or other means.

The fact that Re'ana had an 'old tutor' and was a feisty princess who didn't pay attention to her lessons echoes The Cry of the Icemark, except that she is content to live in her fantasies as opposed to finding her destiny herself. I like her. I like that she's unsympathetic, childish, and spoiled, because that's a realistic representation of--what I think--spoiled princesses would have been like. But, she still needs a lot of fleshing out. What we have of her right now is simply a cardboard cut-out--I understand that her being whiny and selfish is crucial to her character-development (and honestly, I'm good with her being all that; it's a refreshing change). What I do mind, though, is that I don't really /know/ her. How old is she? She comes across as much younger than a teenager, but I doubt she is all that young. I do hope for some more character-development as the story continues!

One of the major problems here is that the first chapter has been packed with entirelytoomuchinformation and that messes up with the pacing and, frankly, it's hard for the reader to find their feet when they're already tripping over the various happenings in a relentless sequence. Slow down. Try to balance dialogue and description and not have too much of one or the other crowding up the spaces. Otherwise, the premise is interesting, and I'll definitely take a look at chapter two when life is kind enough~

Thanks for the read! Hope this helped.

Keep writing!

~Pomp

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cpedro
Review
cpedro wrote a review Review · Jan 6, 2016

Helo XxXTheSwordsmanXxX, here for a review. So I'll go and say right ahead that you're flawless with your descriptions, the reader gets a clear picture of the surroundings and the way you wrote it was beautiful. The story is also intrigiung and I get curious to know about the world you created and what lies behond the wall.

I have just a few things to pick on and I hope this will help.
First, as bookwolf said, Re'ana's personality is a little too immature. As your principal character and as a first chapter you have to be able to grab the reader's attention and curiosity and one of the things to achieve that is to create a believable and interesting character. If she is too immature it may lead to the reader becoming annoyed with her and loose interest in the story. So I think you should have a little more cautious with that. You can, for example, in the part with her mother, have Re'ana at least consider her mother's words and not completely ignore her. Or,you can create a more sweet friendship between Leena and Re'ana and not having her completely ignoring the other servants. Either way these are just ideas.
The other thing is on the library part, when a creature is first introduced you could describe that event a little more or make the sentence a little longer. The way it is looks too sudden and might confuse the reader.
Ok, I promise this is the last thing and it's just grammar issues so nothing like a reread doesn't fix. You have a few repeat words right after each other here and there and appart from what was already mention, there is this little mistake: “You're birthday is in a few...", it should be "Your".

Ah just another thing, in this sentence: “I know who you're talking about, and no he wasn't lying. He doesn't believe in it. What did he do that was so appalling to you?”. What do you mean with the he doesn't believe in it. Fang?

Anyways great start and hope to see more. :D

Thank you for the review. I appreciate all opinions and see them as a means to grow.

On Re'ana's immaturity, I am purposefully writing her like this. I realize that it is bordering on "too much." But there are several examples I have seen out there that are even worse than her. Believe me there is going to be a change with her.

The creature in the library scene is meant to be vague as well. It is to cause an air of intrigue which is partially explained in the dream near the end of the chapter.

I appreciate everything you have critiqued thus far and I hope that you continue to read on with this story.

cpedro replied · Jan 7, 2016

I figured as much that Re'ana's personality would change in the future, and suprisingly enough when I reread the chapter she didn't sound as 'annoying' as the first time.
Still, just like I said, this is a great story so far and no doubt I be following it! :D

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BookWolf
Review
BookWolf wrote a review Review · Jan 6, 2016

Oh . . . my . . . GODDDDDDD!!!!! Where has this been all my life?! Where have YOU, the brilliant one who wrote this, been all my life?! This is absolutely beautiful, I don't even know where to begin. Your words. . . your characters. . . EVERYTHING! I just can't. I can't. . . . Here are some mistakes I noticed. . . .


"That's what their there for.” 'their' should be 'they're'.

"Re'ana rolled her eyes and stared out of the large window at the grounds below. She watched as loaves of bread were distributed to a large crowd of waiting peasants. Each of them covered in dirt and grime from head to foot. At one point she witnessed an older man steal a loaf from a young child before running down the down the cobblestone street." This should whole section should be made it's own paragraph.


Okay I'll try again. *deep breath* First off, let me just state that I almost didn't read this. Want to know why? Because I thought it looked too "long". Yup. Too long. Well now, I think it's too short. WHERE IS THE NEXT CHAPTER THESWORDSMAN? WHERE???? *more deep breaths* Your descriptions are truly flawless and vivid. Your characters are beautiful and real. Your world is rich and intriguing. The only thing I have a slight problem with--and I repeat, the ONLY thing I have a problem with, is how Re'ana comes across as a little immature at times. That's it. I only ask is that you be aware of how Re'ana appears to your reader.

Also, did I mention that I loved this? Did I? I did? Okay, well, I think I should also mention that I love, love, love, love the names you chose. . . . Is that weird? Perhaps. Sorry if this review is a little all over the place, but now I'm going to mention that I really liked how Re'ana interacted with her parents. It felt real. The emotions were real. This just might be my most favorite chapter I've ever read on this site.

Please tell me when you publish the next chapter. Please do. You know what, I'll just give you a follow. That way, there's NO possible way that I could miss it.

Okay. Last thing I'm gonna say. You're awesome.

Kay.

Bye.

This was great.

See you around.

-BookWolf

I am glad that you love this story so much. (Was love the word you used? XD ) Anyways thank you for your review. I appreciate all feedback, good or bad, that I receive. Thank you for your corrects, for you to have gone through the entire story and only found two is great on my end. I tend to have more.

I am so glad that you noticed that Re'ana comes across as immature. As of right now that is her character. An immature, bratty princess. She is meant to portray a young woman who believes that knights in shining armor exist and that she will be whisked away on an adventure where there are king size beds in dragon dens and she is able to live a life of luxury.

In regard to the next chapter. It is actually on the way. I am currently editing it and the third chapter as well. The truth is that the second chapter was originally part of the first chapter (doubling the size of it.) However, I had a few people that read it say that it had too much in it. Not that it was too long but I actually had two build-ups, climaxes, and drop offs, which is one too many to have in a chapter. So I split it up. The next chapter will be up soon. Don't worry.



Even strength must bow to wisdom sometimes.
— Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief