Young Writers Society

As some of you guys are already aware, I am offensively terrible at edits. This is one of my attempts. I am fully aware that I have serious dialogue punctuation issues, I'm also way to wordy, and I'm aware of a few other things. I would just like to know if this is any better than my first draft. Thank you.

I remember it as though it were yesterday. I was in my bedroom, playing with one of my train sets. She was sitting on my bed. Her long dark hair was tied into a pair of perfect plaits. She was humming to a tune, Yellow Submarine by The Beatles.

Her pretty face was almost glowing. Her deep brown eyes were like the colour of melted chocolate. Her lips were so perfectly red, they looked as though they had been painted onto her face. She didn’t have bumps and dents in her skin, like most people either.

I didn’t know who she was, I didn’t even know where she’d come from. I could tell she was nice though and she made me feel happy, comfortable. After she’d been sitting there for ten minutes, I looked up and smiled at her.

“What’s your name?” I said, trying to fit an Action Man into one of my trains.

“Annabel.” She grinned back.

“My sister was called Annabel,” I said. “I think it’s a funny name.”

"I think that it's a nice name." She said simply.

“Why are you here?” I was feeling a bit confused now.

Annabel didn’t answer for a while after that. Instead, she continued to hum that Beatles song, and I stared at her as she did so.

After another five minutes had passed, I was beginning to wonder if I’d somehow made her feel upset. Maybe she was angry at me because I said that I thought her name was funny? I didn’t think it was an ugly name, I just thought that it was a bit long and fancy. I tried speaking again.

“Do you want to come and play trains with me?” I asked hopefully, “You can be Thomas The Tank if you want, I don’t mind.”

I didn’t like it when people were angry at me, especially if it was because I had said something nasty to them.

“No thank you.” Her voice was so sweet, it sounded as if she was still singing.

“Okay. Why are you here then?” I tried asking again.

Annabel once again smiled, as she opened her plump lips. Before she could say a word, my door suddenly opened, and in walked my mum.

She had been crying. Her deep brown eyes were horribly bloodshot, and her bottom lip was shaking a bit. She always cried around this time of the year, and she still finds it hard to think about, to remember, even now.

“Maxxie?” She said quietly. “Who are you speaking to darling?”

Slowly, my mum walked towards me, eventually kneeling down beside me. As she headed towards me, I looked at the bed again. Annabel had gone, disappeared. That was odd. I hadn’t see her leave.

My mum tried to force a smile, and she did eventually get one. It just wasn't a very happy one. Even at seven years old, I could tell which smiles of hers were fake, and which ones were real.

“Annabel,” I answered happily, “She’s very pretty mummy. She looks like you.”

The second I’d finished speaking, my mum’s entire face dropped. I could see pools of water gathering in her tired eyes. She was completely silent.

I tried my best to stop my mum from crying. I didn’t like it when she cried.

“She’s got black hair,” I said, “And she was wearing a nice white dress, and some white sandals. She was singing as well. She’s gone now though.”

Still silent, my mum continued staring into space. A few seconds later, she looked at me.

“Don’t be silly!” She snapped.

Her pale face suddenly came back to life, but not in the way I would have liked. Her lip began shaking again, and her eyes looked wild. My mum was angry with me now. Why was I making everyone upset with me that day?

Grabbing my arm, she lifted me up off the floor. She pulled me out of the room, and took me down the stairs. She was gritting her teeth together and her eyes were blazing like fire. I wanted to say something to her, but then I decided not to. She was angry with me as it was, I didn’t want to make it any worse. It wasn’t fair. What had I done wrong? Did I upset her? I felt so confused.

Around ten minutes later, my mum, my nan, my sister Lisa, and I were sitting in the living room together. I was bored stiff. They were talking about grown up stuff. I didn’t care about grown up stuff. I just wanted to get back to my trains and my Action Man. I was fiddling with the button on my mum’s jeans when I noticed Annabel.

She was sitting down, the same way as she was earlier. But this time, she was sitting on the end of my sofa. She smiled at me, and I then smiled back. Glancing up at my mum, then turning back to Annabel, I opened my mouth.

"Why are you here?" I mouthed at her.

Again, Annabel didn’t answer me. Although, this time, she did giggle to herself.

I glanced up at my mum again, to check that she wasn’t looking. Relieved, I looked back to the end of the sofa. Annabel had gone. Completely vanished. I pulled an annoyed face, before putting my head into my mum’s chest. I’d almost fallen asleep when I heard a familiar, gentle voice.

“To look after you.” Annabel whispered.

I didn’t know it at the time, but those four words would soon mean a lot. An awful lot.

Thanks,

xoxo Skins