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139,556 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Hi there, Megan! Here (finally) as you requested.
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[One quick tip: You could somehow separate your A/N (author's note) by italicizing it or something, because now it looks a little bit like a part of the poem and confuses the reader at first.
So, let's start.
I'm a little out there with the first two lines. I think you meant it to be like "I know one day if I'm allowed", even though it sounds a bit awkward. Right now, you could polish that lining a little bit to make it more understandable. It's also slightly unclear what you mean with the 'allowed', but I like the last line. The rhyme is there, and the tone is somehow hopeful.
I think it would read better if you ditched that 'of', so it would be "All my life". It sounds better, too, especially on the third line where it becomes jumbley with the 'of' along. For some reason, to me the last line is a bit jumbley too, but if it fits your music, it's fine. =)
A little typo on the second line?
Is it just me, or are the lines having more syllables now? Hmm, of course this could be the C part of the song. The first line needs a little clearing out, but I like a lot what this stanza is saying. Just a little tiny correction: I think you should have an apostrophe in front of the "cause".
This is having the same problem as it did in the beginning. I still like it, I'd just like to understand it better.
I disagree with Kat on the though-with-comma-or-not matter. I think you shouldn't have a comma there, and it's what you originally had (or didn't have) too, I suppose. Actually, both options are somewhat right, I just think it becomes choppy if you keep the comma. You know best, so you decide which one you want.
***
So, those were the nit-picks. I agree with some people on that the topic of the poem is not very unique, but since this is actually a song, the music is what matters more. If this was only a poem, nothing else, I would probably preach you more about being innovative and original, but with a song I think you can get away with it better, hehe. You had some pretty good remarks there, and this was a nice read. Nice is a flat word, but I think it describes well enough the reading experience – I didn't get Wow!ed, but nice is still good, isn't it?
Thanks for the read!
Demeter
xxx
Well other people ahve told you the corrections you might want to make so i'll just tell you what i thik. so what im getting out of this is you want somebody to let them be you so you can prove you're strong enough to do whatever. Correct me if im wrong
I reall y liked this poem and with some more verses i can see it as a song.
My only nit-pick is that there are some lines that shouln't be capitalized but are. If you were to change that accordingly with you're sentences it would look better. Otherwise I love the message about following you're dreams you give through this.
well done.
Hey Meg =]
Sorry I'm a bit late...
So. I think all of the structual and grammatical stuff has been covered, so I'll just give you my overall opinion of it =]
I'm not the best at critiquing poetry - I can't write it to save my life so I tend to stay away from trying to tell those who can write it, what they should change. Plus I was never one to know how to set out poetry anyway
I liked the overall theme and I think you expressed the MC's desire to be there own person really well. The whole poem was well written in my eyes =]
Just say you love me as I am,
Say you want me as I am,
Say I’m someone in your eyes
That's all I wanted to be.
Just let me go I know
One day if I’m allowed,
If I’m allowed, one day I’ll make you proud - I like how you repeated this stanza too.
By the way, if I've got the theme of the poem wrong then I'm really sorry
I hope this helped a bit.
xDudettex
Hey, Megan. Well, I'm not really good at critiquing poetry so I probably won't be any help whatsoever. But, since you asked, I'll just tell you that I liked it and I agree with the above comments. I did like this, though. Good job.
Hi Megan! *waves at computer screen* I'm Kat, and I'm here for a review -- as requested!
Stanza by Stanza!
The comma at the end of the first line isn't needed. Commas are tricky but don't worry; you'll get the hand of it
The second line is good. I like how it sounds and the word choice.
Turn the comma at the end of the third line to a period and dis capitalize the 'but'. This last line doesn't fit the above. Don't just throw word sin it, just to rhyme, dear! Rhyming is good, but not necessary on a poem. Free verse can be nice too ^_^
Notice how you on the first line put 'taken' and on the second put 'broke'? It should be 'broken'. Don't capitalize the 'you've'. The last line, once more, doesn't fit, dear.
Don't start a line with 'and'. It sounds so choppy. The first line it's actually badly ordered. It should be something like: 'All I seem to do now, is trying to please you'.
The second line is good, but 'in two' sounds a bit not much personal.
Don't put 'cause'! Put because. Comma after knees. That line has a good flow. Also, if you do correct the mistake 'cause' the line will be too long and ruin your flow, so try to brake it down and add some syllables.
Now, this stanza is tricky. Not very creative, if I must say. To be loved by who you are is a very common theme, so it would be nice to read about it in a more original way.
One thing, you don't have to capitalize every first word at the beginning of a line! In general cases, when the line above ends with a comma, you shouldn't capitalize the other line. But there are exceptions.
Comma after 'go' and after 'day'. Don't do the repetition. It gives nothing to your poem and only makes the reading harder. It's a bit confusing, this stanza, and a bit common. This theme is so over used you have to write in a creative way, so that the reader won't get bored.
The first line is so emotional. Incredibly, I can actually feel your despair in begging for the person not to shoot you down. Good job
Comma after 'though'. Don't capitalize the 'some day'. I think the end wrapps up the poem nicely.
Overall: A good read, put a very common and forgetable poem. I'm sorry if it sounds harsh, but you really should try to bring in more imagery and creativity. Make your reader crave for more lines!
Feel free to PM me if you need anything!
*Kat*
I really liked your poem! But I have a few questions. Who is it you are supposedly talking to? That is a major thing I would like addressed. There are just a few things I would change. They are, as follows;
All of my life, I have watched you,
climbing mountains, chasing dreams.
All of my life, you gave me everything.
But you don't have to give the world to me.
All of your life, you've taken chances,
You[s]'ve[/s] broke the the rules, time after time.
All of your life, you've gone your own way.
So give me this chance, and I'll go mine.
And trying to please you now is all I seem to do,
I'm holding my dreams down, it's breaking me in two.
I've got to be me now 'cause there's already one of you,
I’m on my knees so help me please.
Just say you love me as I am,
Say you want me as I am,
Say I’m someone in your eyes
That's all I wanted to be.
Just let me go I know
One day if I’m allowed,
If I’m allowed, one day I’ll make you proud.
Please don’t shoot me down.
Though you can't see it now,
Some day I’ll make you prouduld have you change. Here goes!
Hey Megan, as asked, here I am.
First off, I want to say, that I’m not generally the best poetry critique but I’ll try my best.
The comma in here creates a rather unnecessary pause. I would just ditch it.
As far as rhythm goes, this whole section seems to have lost it, most especially in the last line which doesn’t seem to be a part of the poem at all.
Don’t you mean, “as I am,”. Maybe I’m the one who’s wrong. Again, this isn’t my strongest review form.
This repetition at the end seems far too redundant seeing as this same line has been said only three lines before.
Other then those few things, I did rather enjoy this. It was quick and short but had a good sense of emotion without being too over the top and melodramatic. I hope this could be a help in some way.
~lilymoore