Spoiler! :
I was seven years old when I first met my older sister; my deceased older sister. I was in my bedroom, playing with one of my train sets. She was sitting on my bed, her long dark hair tied into a pair of perfect plaits. From her small mouth came soft a tune, some kind of nursery rhyme.
Her pretty face was almost glowing. Set just below her straight fringe were a pair of deep brown eyes like the colour of melted chocolate. My sister's lips were so perfectly red, they looked as though they had been painted onto her face. She didn’t have bumps and dents in her skin like most people either.
I didn’t know who she was at first, I didn’t even know where she’d come from. I could tell she was nice though and she made me feel happy, comfortable. After she’d been sitting there for ten minutes, I looked up and smiled at her.
“What’s your name?” I said, trying to fit an Action Man into one of my trains.
“Annabel,” she grinned back.
“My sister was called Annabel,” I said. “I think it’s a funny name.”
"I think that it's a nice name," she said simply.
“Why are you here?” I was feeling a bit confused now.
Annabel didn’t answer for a while after that. Instead, she continued to hum that nursery rhyme, and I stared at her as she did so.
After she didn't reply, I began to wonder if I’d somehow made her feel upset. Maybe she was angry at me because I said that I thought her name was funny? I didn’t think it was an ugly name, I just thought that it was a bit long and fancy. I tried speaking again.
“Do you want to come and play trains with me?” I asked hopefully, “you can be Thomas The Tank if you want, I don’t mind. I know you're a girl, but you can still be Thomas.”
I didn’t like it when people were angry at me, especially if it was because I had said something nasty to them.
“No thank you.” Her voice was so sweet, it sounded as if she was still singing.
“Oh, okay... Why are you here then?” I tried asking again.
Annabel once again smiled as she opened her plump lips. Before she could say a word, my door suddenly opened, and in walked my mum.
She had been crying. Her deep brown eyes were horribly bloodshot and her bottom lip was shaking a bit. She always cried around this time of the year and she still found it hard to think about, even now.
“Maxxie?” she said quietly. “Who are you speaking to, darling?”
Slowly, my mum walked in my direction, eventually kneeling down beside me. I looked at the bed again. Annabel had vanished. That was odd. I hadn’t see her leave.
My mum tried to force a smile and she did eventually get one. It just wasn't a very happy one. Even at seven years old, I could tell which smiles of hers were fake and which ones were real.
“Annabel,” I answered happily. “She’s very pretty, mummy. She looks like you.”
The second I’d finished speaking, my mum’s entire face dropped. I could see pools of water gathering in her tired eyes. She was completely silent.
I tried my best to stop my mum from crying. I didn’t like it when she cried.
“She’s got black hair,” I said, “and she was wearing a nice white dress, and some white sandals. She was singing as well. She’s gone now though.”
Still silent, my mum continued staring into space. A few seconds later, she looked at me.
“Don’t be silly!” she snapped.
Her pale face suddenly came back to life, but not in the way I would have liked. Her lip began shaking again and her eyes looked wild. My mum was angry with me now. Why was I making everyone upset with me that day?
Grabbing my arm, she lifted me up off the floor. Pulling me out of the room, she took me down the stairs. She was gritting her teeth together and her eyes were blazing like fire. I wanted to say something to her, but then I decided not to. She was angry with me as it was, I didn’t want to make it any worse. It wasn’t fair. What had I done wrong? Did I upset her? I didn't mean to...
*****
I'd been downstairs for quite a while now. My mum, my nan, my sister Lisa, and I were sitting in the living room together. I was bored stiff. They were talking about grown up stuff. I didn’t care about grown up stuff. I just wanted to get back to my trains and my Action Man. I was fiddling with the button on my mum’s jeans when I noticed Annabel.
She was sitting down, the same way as she was earlier. But this time, she was sitting on the end of my sofa. She smiled at me and I then smiled back. Glancing up at my mum, then turning back to Annabel, I opened my mouth.
"Why are you here?" I mouthed at her.
Again, Annabel didn’t answer me. This time, she did giggle to herself.
I glanced up at my mum again to check that she wasn’t looking. Relieved, I looked back to the end of the sofa. Annabel had gone. Completely vanished. I pulled an annoyed face before delving my head into my mum’s chest. She began gently running her hand through my hair. I’d almost fallen asleep when I heard a familiar, gentle voice.
“To look after you,” Annabel whispered.
I didn’t know it at the time, but those four words would soon mean a lot. An awful lot.
Thanks in advance for any reviews!
xoxo Skins
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140,788 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
I loved this! Oh my God, I almost cried...
Keep Writing!
Nike:)
I really liked this a lot, everyone else has already pretty much summed up the little mistakes so I'm just here to say i liked this a lot(: keep it up, i see great potential in this.
Hey Skins
Time to review your novel.
To start, I think this is amazing as a first chapter. The hook is instant, you've created a good sense of character and a sturdy starting point.
Try to avoid those one word clauses, like 'she was gone, disappeared' or 'made me feel happy, comfortable.' It's like throwing in an extra word that doesn't need to be there, and extra words tend to take away from the point. In cases like the latter, you can say 'happy and comfortable,' but with the former you're using two words to mean the same thing, which is best avoided all together. You could always work your way around it by saying '..she was gone. It was as if she just disappeared.'
The same principle applies with phrases like 'Around ten minutes later.' Even if it wasn't exactly 'ten minutes later' it sounds better, and makes you seem more certain as a writer.
It seems the thing you need to work on most is grammar; mainly the use of punctuation. Your sentences tend to be quite fragmented, so here's a very quick guide to sentence structure.
Every sentence needs a verb (that's doing or being, like run and shout, 'is' counts as a verb,) and a noun (that's the subject, like book, table, Fred, him, that, he.) Of course there are exceptions which we use for effect, but those two things form the main backbone of every grammatically correct sentence.
Commas are used to turn two sentences into one, or to make things easier to understand by adding a break in longer sentences. You overuse commas waay too much. Until you learn to use them sparingly, he best way to decide whether the comma should be there or not is to take it out. If the sentence still makes sense, you don't need it.
I'll probably explain more of that in later reviews.
On to chapter 2
This is WritingWords with the super-fast review you requested!:D
Okay, I think this beginning really has potential for a novel. The voice was haunting to me. Just a few things you should make clear.
Did Maxxie ever see his sister? I was wondering about that throughout the chapter. I think it would be even creepier if he never saw her and now he sees her.
When did Annabeth die? And why would a seven year old play with Thomas the Tank? I mean, in reality, kindergarteners play with that. It made the story seem less real with the mention of those toys.
Again, as someone said, wouldn't a little boy be scared?
What happened between those ten minutes? It wouldn't take ten minutes to go down the stairs!
Overall, I really liked the original idea of this. I will go read your other chapters soon.
Hello there, Skins!
I saw a chapter of this novel as a featured work at YWS homepage and thought it would be a lot better if I read it from the beginning not in the middle part. As for the mistakes, a lot of reviewers here have covered up all those things already.
One thing, I was really confused at the beginning part. Your MC's still a kid, if I'm correct and your plot seems to show that the boy's kind of in a "relaxed mode" and doesn't get scared at all even if his "deceased sister" would appear to him again then vanished and appear again. Doesn't he feel a little tensed to it? And surely, the MC could clearly define that the ghost "Annabel" is really his sister, maybe just by looking at her physical features.
Anyways, I love the whole plot even if that was just the start of your novel. It was kind of mysterious, you know. I'll try to read the other chapters.
Keep up the good work!
Peace out!
Hey. I saw this on the new posts and decided to check it out. So far, really good. I wouldn't say that if I didn't mean it. I like the MC being 7. I like the freaky ghost aspect and I definitely like the Beatles song!
I see everyone's has gotten the grammar stuff done so I'll talk about the story itself.
I'm not sure if this is going to be one of those "creepy dead ghost sister stalks me everywhere and tries to protect me from some freaky monster thing" sort of story but I really hope it's not. The ending was the most epic cliffhanger ever so kudos on that!
I don't understand why the mother would bring the MC downstairs just to begin talking about "grown-up stuff". Well. That's about all I have to say. That was probably theworst review ever....sorryfor my bad reviewing =_( Lol. This was amazing. Keep writing!
~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing and Music
Okkkkkkkkkkay now. Hi Skins! Just read your first chapter and all the comments and there's one thing I just don't get.
You begin by saying that he just met his older sister. So, he's never met her? She says her name is Annabel, the same name as his sister. Ok, so we get that he's never met her. Why? How come? She seems to be 14, which is the age she died? Then she is really his MUCH older sister if he's never met her, right? Then, why was his mom crying? I was under the impression at first that she was mourning the death of her daughter, but apparently not if he didn't know her. Am I making any sense here?
Also, I don't know why she dragged Maxxie all the way downstairs for an 'adult's conversation'. Was it because she was worried that he was imagining things and she wanted to keep an eye on him? Was it because they were discussing his lying/imagining as a family? This should be mentioned because it's confusing.
I really enjoyed the last sentence and you really have me hooked on your story. I'll go check out the second chapter now...
Tanya
I really like it! It's really good, I didn't even notice the grammatical mistakes. It's really intriguing and interesting, like at the beginning of a movie right before they show the title and stuff. I liked the main character, he seemed sweet and cute. I can't wait to read more!
Hi there.
I would make this more dramatic, something like "I was seven years old when I first met my older sister...my deceased older sister." It just, I don't know, adds something.
All I could think was, "Oh, no, sounds like the beginning of one of my dad's "back when I was a kid" stories! This just doesn't work for me.
The next part's nice. I like the description of the older sister, but what's her first impression of her personality judging by appearance? Do her eyes show friendliness or light? Fear or regret? Also, how old does Annabel look? Then you introduce the other sister, Lisa. The middle child? Or older than Annabel was?
Aww, that's a sweet way to end it.
Overall, this is a good start. Just give us some more depth. I can't wait 'til I have time to read the next chapters.
I haven't rooted through the reviews above; I'll just post what I found.
Comma splice. That comma should be, preferably, a semi-colon, or a dash if you want.
You should change this to "asked", "enquired", or "questioned". The word "Said" doesn't really describe what you're meaning here.
The bold "She grinned back" is a statement, and not a description of how she says "Annabel"; therefore, the comma after "Annabel" should be a period.
That period in parenthesis should be a comma, for the sentence after the quotation mark isn't a statement. It's a descriptive phrase of how the word is being said.
"The" shouldn't be capitalized. This should read "Thomas the Tank".
In parenthesis, that comma should be a period. The sentence after, "Her voice was so sweet", is a separate sentence.
The second comma is a comma splice. Again, a semi-colon would be great here.
It would be better to say "Annabal smiled once again". The way you flipped the phrase makes it sound a bit awkward.
Comma splice again. A semi-colon would be great here, too.
Another comma splice. Use a semi-colon or reconstruct the phrase like so:
"I tried easing the atmosphere, for I didn’t like feeling awkward."
I suggest adding more description to how that was being said. Since he's remembering her features, why not write:
“She’s got long black hair,” I said, remembering her features clearly, “and she was wearing a nice white summer dress, and some white sandals. She’s gone now though.”
I fixed that "and", too, in the modified sentence. Note the comma before the quotation mark at that first "and".
That "S" in "She" should be lower-case.
That period in parenthesis should be a comma.
Overview
All-in-all, pretty good! I do enjoy this kind of book. You made it flow very well; there are just some small things, like comma splices, that you need to watch for.
Great work.
Hi Skins. I am here as requested. I really loed this story of yours. It's so refreshing. I had planned to read ti before but just forget about it. But now I am finally here.
First the grammatical errors:
Annabel? Really this is an unique name. Okay is the narrator a boy because Maxie sounds like a boy's name. I don;t have more to say so just going ahead with you next part.
KEEP WRITING!!
When you say: "My sister was called Annabel?"
i dont understand why you would use a question mark in this. It seems like more of a statment!
A little late, but I'm here as requested!
She doesn't look different from our viewpoint - from what you've described. She's pretty hot, apparently, but that's about it; it's much better if you let the reader decide for themselves.
As kids, we're told never to use the word "said". Apparently, it's boring. In actual fact, when it comes to writing, it's one of the best words you have. It's invisible, and it just hints at who said what. If you ask me, if the reader cannot tell how something should be said in how it's phrased, it needs to be reworded (generally, at least). So use "said", unless it's vital.
Oh, and your dialogue punctuation is a little off. Have a read up on the rules from Snoink's handy guide: topic19430.html
Anyway - I dislike nitpicks. So here we go.
I agree that the start of the story is far too wordy. You're not saying a whole lot, and use far too many adjectives and adverbs to get the message across. It also makes Annabel seem too real for the ambiguity that would make her seem more believable as the kind of guardian or ghost thingy that she is.
I'd recommend your didn't write this in hindsight. That is, instead of saying "I was seven when..." just go right in and describe what was going on. Then try and use a more childlike voice, as right now things like Thomas just seem completely out of place. This is one of those things that makes the characters seem so unbelievable. A similar thing goes for the mother:
I would have thought she would be frightened or surprised more than anything else. The scene would have been so much effective if you'd just taken away her dialogue from after she asks who the girl was talking to - right now, the reader knows what is wrong with her seeing a girl on the bed, whereas the narrator does not.
Generally, make the characters, apart from the speaker, more mysterious; we should only know and understand what the narrator does. Otherwise, we can't really relate to the characters. You want to know whether this has potential? Of course it does. From the first few paragraphs it's impossible to say where it's heading; so long as this isn't just an annoying "guardian saves girl" stories, it's all good, could go anywhere.
Hope I helped! PM me if you've any questions.
Best,
Blinky
I know you already got a lot of reviews, but I couldn't help myself. This was really good. I liked it a lot. Well, anyways, as long as you fix that, I thought it was very good:
].So maybe more hints.
Maxxie really did sound like a child. I liked how you wrote 'I was confused' instead of trying to describe it otherwise. I think that was very childlike, not to have many outright thoughts, more like emotions. Very nice. What I found confusing though, was that I didn't realize that the one speaking was a boy. I was sure it was a little girl until the Mother said Maxxie, and even then, some parents would choose that name for a girl. And some little girls like to play with trains [I suppose
I liked the sister's character [what we get to see of it anyways. The song thing was brilliant], though her description reminded me of Twilight [meaning it was just too perfect, even for a supernatural creature.] I think you could tone it down a bit.
I liked the Mother too. She sounds believable and I think that her role was written well. Every Mother would snap like that, even just remembering.
Oh, another thing I didn't like was that you add Maxxie's voice in present tense in the flashback. You said something along the lines of 'it was hard for her... around this time of year. Still is now, just remembering...." Something like that, right? [I know it's not perfect, but I hope you understand.] I really don't like the Still is now line because we're [the readers] in a flashback. It draws us back to reality, thinking, oh, so what's changed, when we actually need to focus on the story.
Other than that, I like this so much. I know you have a lot of reviews, but I just really had to add it because it was really really good. Very talented.
Ofir
Hello,
My main problem with this piece is that it's wordy, terribly wordy in terms of tails in the beginning. There are so many of them in sentences that at one point I'd rather hang myself on that tail than trip over another one!
Paragraph one/two tails: "that is", "I believe", "after all". Sometimes tails balance sentences, othertimes rhey give it rhythm. Sometimes they just look nice. In sufficient quantities, not in sprees. For a distant tone, of someone looking back at events and life it works too, but again not so many!
The first few paragraphs - they were confusing. The MCknowit'ssister/not at first/older sister called Annabel? Last piece of dialogue threw me off most. Did she tell him on slash two, between not knowing at first and continuing?
Wordy is also the whole part with the sister - or rather, her description (apart from me not getting the first dialogue batch). Consider little doses (sprinkles throughout part instead of bulky)? Me, I skimmed over it to tell you the truth. I didn't care enough for the character at that beginning point to care for how she looked. Later I got interested yes, but not at that point. And I had already skimmed!
Ten minutes is terribly precise. Go vague.
Seven-year old "somehow offending" - from perspective, yes, maybe emphasise that perspectibe thing again. Kind of stood out to me.
Plot is terrific and attention grabbing, A's exit marvelous. Ghost sister/angry mother work well as characters. Dialogue punctuation's a pity, though.
Esme
Thanks for the reviews guys
I've noticed that I have an issue with commas. I always have, it's really annoying! Practice makes perfect I suppose!
The MC's a boy by the way Knightley!
xoxo Skins
Hi Skins! I'm here to review like you asked me to. Let's get started!
First off, I agree with Dreamy that you need to work on your comma usage. I think you use them too often and in the wrong places, sometimes. Here is an example:
You have several ways to fix this; use whichever one you think continues the flow of the story the best and the smoothest.
That one is a little bland, and it sounds like a list of words just being read off. Maybe...
This one reads a little better, but doesn't really change the punctuation much. Either one works, but the point I was making was this: you tend to use the comma where there should really be a period. If there are two separate ideas on either side of the punctuation mark (example: Her hair was blowing in the breeze/It fell flat as the wind died out), then use a period or a semi-colon ( ; ) to separate them. Just never the comma.
Other than that, though, I really enjoyed this! You put a great mystery about the main character's sister (is the MC a boy or a girl?), and I was surprised to know that she was actually dead. At least that's what I think is going on.
If you have any questions or would like another review, please feel free to PM me.
-Knightley
Here I am as requested!Corrections/comments in red, an asterisk means I took something out.
So! I liked this. It definitely has potential. However, you need to work on you comma usage, you tend to overuse them. Also, you wanted advice for your title? I don't like either. I'd think of something different. It sometimes helps to finish the story first, and then choose. Up to you. This does have potential, and I can't wait to read the next part.
Cheers,
Dreamy
Hello I am here to help
Just a few nit picks
Right overall I think this is really good and has great potential. I like the cliff hanger makes me want to know why she has to look after the child, why only the child could see her =)