One neighbourhood is poor and the other is rich. The two boys are real brothers, the reason that the dad treats the MC worse than the other brother is something to do with their mum, it's kind of complicated to explain here! Hope I helped a bit Okay, here to review, as promised... yes, I know it's a little late; long story.
Well, it seems that Writewhatiwant and Dementer have gotten to all of the nit-picks, so I'll just do an overall review, pointing out some helpful hints.
1) Dialogue.
Okay, if you take a look at your first few paragraphs, you'll see that the first 10, may I repeat, 10 [excluding the first] are dialogue. now, you may not think that there's anything bad about that, and believe me, there isn't, but it's what you have after the dialogue that counts. There is one sentence after each of them, nothing to show the MC's emotions, his fear at telling Jade, how she looks, how she talks, her stance, his hesitation - knowing that he will get in trouble for it, what he feels as she walks away - dishonour, anger, satisfaction... now, I'm not saying that you should add all of this in, Heck, maybe not even half of it, but you have to say something at the end, and sometimes the beginning of each speech, otherwise it gets really boring for the reader; unless you want a fast paced action-filled dialogue, in which case you can forget everything I've said, and just have the words that they say.
2) Your first main paragraph.
Now, this is what gets me; you have ten lines of dialogue, and then you launch into a fully-fledged paragraph - explaining things that we don;t need to know [your friends' nicknames, the fact that you don't have a nickname... we don't really care, to be blunt] Now, this is a classic example of telling, and not showing. I noticed that you did a lot of this later in the story too; you tell us what you want us to know, giving no regaurd on what the reader hears. You shoud take a look around in the 'resources' area of this site. It's beeen created just to help you learn. in another way than someone reviewing your work. It has some good thing there, like good grammar, how to be descriptive, showing and not telling, apostrophes and commas, semi-colons, all you need to know. And what's best, they're all written by YWS citizens, which means that it's aimed at you and will most likely be easy to undestand. Enough rambling on, trying to sell you the resouces section, what I really son't like about your 'first main paragraph' is that it's a big chunk of writing after the smaller sentences that you open with. Break it up, keep to the TiP ToP, Time, Place, Topic, Person rule. That means that f you chage your focus on any of these things, you have to start a new paragraph.
3) Showing, not telling.
Okay, I mainly did this in the last part, but it deserves it's own section, with examples, like this;
"Cool, thanks," I answered casually although I felt absolutely amazing.
Yes, that's right. You say; 'even though i feel absolutely amazing', when you want to show the reader what is going on. This si when you put yourself in your characters shoes, and show the reader what is really happening. What do you feel? this is what i would put:
A surge of excitement erupted in my veins, and I fought hard to keep the heart pumping at a reseonable pace. This was it; I could finally break free of the roots that had tied me down for so long. I could rise up through the ranks, exceed my brother and make my fater proud of me. I thought all of this in a few seconds, all the while trying to keep cool. He couldn;t see how much of a dork i was. I needed this. "Cool," I paused, trying to sound non-chalant, and then i remmebered my manners; "Thanks!" I smiled gleefully, trying to look like I was a natural.
See that? You feel that characters thoughts, descisions. Do you feel like you know the character a lot more? I'm not saying that that's aperfect example, however, and it could still be improved much more.
4) My dad.
Welll this is a short one, an the last in my review. Every time your dad says something you follow it with "My dad" this, or "My dad" that. we know who's speaking, because it's already out there, in the situation. We know that it's going to be him who yells at you, so why not spare this space for something important, like the bulging veins on his forhead, or the rasping breath, or the wheezing sound that the MC makes when he can't think of anything.
Well, that's it. i hope you enjoyed it, and please, do check out the resources section.
Anyway, on with the review!
), how they smell (does he smell sweat on his dad?), even how they taste (blood in his mouth?). Also, the emotional aspect of that scene. He just lists the scene off like a robot; doesn't he feel something? Does he feel sorry for himself, like he deserves it, what? Make this apparent to the reader.
Points: 9593
Reviews: 216
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